Why Men Struggle With Emotions—and Simple Steps to Break the Cycle

Have you ever found yourself at a loss when your wife is upset or emotional?

Maybe she’s crying, frustrated, or stressed, and instead of knowing how to respond, you freeze. Do you try to fix it right away, change the subject, or maybe just go quiet and hope it passes?

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many men feel totally lost when it comes to emotions in their relationships. But sometimes, the key to understanding your wife’s emotions actually starts with learning to understand your own.

In this article, we’re going to explore the powerful connection between self-awareness and emotional connection in marriage. You’ll learn about the seven core emotions every man needs to understand, why so many of us struggle with feelings in the first place, and some practical steps you can start taking today to feel more comfortable with emotions in your marriage.

This might feel like an uncomfortable subject, but if you truly want to be a better husband, there’s no avoiding it.

My Personal Struggles with Emotions

I can look back on my marriage and remember so many times when my wife would come to me upset, and I’d have no idea what to do. She’d be sad or overwhelmed, and my brain would just shut down. I’d either scramble for a solution, try to lighten the mood, or just go quiet.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care. Far from it, in fact! I simply didn’t know how to sit with those emotions.

Growing up, emotions weren’t something we talked about in my family. If you were upset, you just dealt with it on your own. And when my wife came to me with her feelings, I realized I had no framework, no experience, and no clue how to respond.

Like a lot of men, I pulled back. And over time, she felt that. She started coming to me less, and eventually we drifted apart.

The truth is, I wasn’t the only one.

 The Impact of Suppressing Emotions

This experience isn’t unique. Many men are raised to suppress their emotions because they were seen as problems to fix or avoid, and that conditioning carries into marriage.

From a young age, many of us were told things like:

• “Man up.”
• “Stop crying.”
• “Don’t be soft.”

We got the message loud and clear: showing emotions wasn’t okay. By the time we reached adulthood, we’d spent years pushing those feelings down. And that doesn’t magically change when we get married. Instead, it often leaves us disconnected not just from our wives, but sometimes even from ourselves.

Research backs this up. Studies show that parents treat emotions differently depending on whether they’re raising sons or daughters. One study in the Journal of Family Issues found that boys often receive less emotional support and coaching than girls. Over time, that leaves a lot of men less equipped to process feelings as adults, which shows up in marriage.

Think about that: if you were never taught how to identify or process emotions, it makes sense that when your wife brings her emotions to you, you’d feel stuck. It’s not that you don’t care, it’s that no one ever showed you how to do this.

The good news is that emotional presence and awareness can and should be learned. Just like any other skill, it’s something you can develop over time. And think about it: does your life partner deserve any less? Not only is learning to feel and express your emotions good for your marriage, but it can benefit almost every aspect of your life.

For me, everything changed when I started to understand my own emotions. I didn’t shut down anymore. I learned to ask questions, to listen, to simply be present. And it made all the difference in the way my wife and I were able to relate to each other.

The Seven Core Emotions

So, where do you start? These kinds of changes can feel very overwhelming, after all.

Relational life therapy focuses on seven core emotions: anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, and love.

These emotions are fundamental to the human experience. The problem is, many of us learn to suppress or ignore them. Maybe you shut down anger because you were told it was dangerous. Or you ignore pain because it makes you feel weak. But when we cut ourselves off from these emotions, we also cut ourselves off from deep connection, both with ourselves and our partners.

By simply learning to recognize and name these seven emotions, you’ll already start building a stronger foundation for connection.

Practical Steps to Build Emotional Awareness

Being able to name the emotions you’re feeling is a great start, but it’s certainly not where things end. If anything, it’s just the beginning. Here are a few simple, practical steps to begin building emotional awareness and connection in your marriage:

1. Acknowledge all emotions.

Understand that emotions aren’t good or bad. They simply exist. By accepting them without judgment, you give yourself permission to process and express them in a healthier way.

2. Do daily emotional check-ins.

Pause once or twice a day and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Use the seven core emotions as your guide (anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, love). Naming what you feel makes it easier to connect with yourself and, in turn, your partner.

3. Try journaling.

Spend just a couple of minutes each day writing down what you’re feeling and why. This step doesn’t have to take long, but you should give it the thoughtfulness it deserves. So make sure you go into it with an open heart and mind. Over time, this helps you see patterns and makes emotions less overwhelming.

4. Seek support.

You don’t have to do this alone. Joining a men’s group, talking to a therapist, or working with a coach can give you a safe place to practice and normalize emotions. Hearing other men share their experiences is powerful, and you’ll be helping those around you at the same time.

5. Talk to your wife. 

When you’re ready, begin sharing some of your emotions with your spouse. Tell her you’re working on this, that it’s new for you, and that you want to feel closer to her. Being vulnerable might feel uncomfortable, but it builds trust and intimacy.

The key is not to do all of these at once. Pick one or two, and commit to them. Growth comes step by step, not overnight.

Understanding Emotions in Marriage

We’ve covered a lot, so let’s bring it back to the essentials:

• Many men struggle with emotions not because they don’t care, but because they weren’t taught how to process them.
• Research shows boys often receive less emotional coaching than girls, which leaves many men unprepared for the emotional demands of marriage.
• The seven core emotions—anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, and love—are the foundation for better connection.
• You can begin practicing emotional awareness through simple daily habits: acknowledging feelings, checking in with yourself, journaling, seeking support, and talking with your wife.

It’s not about becoming a totally different person overnight. It’s about taking small, intentional steps. Maybe today you just pause and name one emotion you’re feeling. Maybe this week you practice listening to your wife without trying to fix things.

Whatever step you take, it matters.

–

Want to go deeper into this topic? Listen to the full podcast episode. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your growth, check out my workshop registration for coaching and resources to help you build a stronger marriage.