The Mindset Keeping You Stuck in Marriage—and How to Break Free

Here’s a thought exercise for you.

Imagine you’re walking along, and suddenly the ground gives out beneath you. You’re falling straight into a deep, dark pit. You land hard. It’s cold, disorienting, and you can barely see the light above you.

What happens now?

If you’re like most men, your instinct is to start climbing. You scan the walls, look for cracks, tell yourself, I got this. Because that’s what we’ve been taught: don’t ask for help, fix it yourself, figure it out.

Except that when you try to climb, the walls are too steep. So instead, you try to think your way out. You read, you listen to podcasts (this hypothetical pit has a library and free WiFi), you gather information, hoping that maybe one day, it’ll be enough to pull yourself up. And when it still doesn’t work, you settle in. You tell yourself, It’s not so bad down here. You decorate the pit, and you adjust.

For a lot of men, staying stuck feels safer than admitting we need help.

Waiting Too Long to Ask for Help

Again and again, good men and husbands who care deeply about their families, wait until their marriage is on the line before they reach out. They hold on until the damage is done and the distance has grown too wide.

That may be how you feel right now. You’ve tried the books, the podcasts, the strategies, but nothing seems to make it better. You’re still trying to fix it on your own.

What would you say if I told you that change doesn’t start with knowing more? It actually starts when you stop trying to climb alone. Support is one of those things that, for a lot of men, is a scary concept. But it isn’t weakness, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of when asking for it.

Support is the bridge between where you are and where you want to be.

How Asking For Help Can Save Your Marriage

For many men, marriage doesn’t fall apart all at once. Instead, it erodes quietly, beneath the surface. Things may start out well. There’s love, connection, shared purpose. But as life builds pressure, small fractures begin to appear. The stress of work, unresolved pain, or old habits of avoidance can slowly take over.

Many husbands cope by hiding—from their emotions, their marriage, and even themselves. They bury themselves in work, in distraction, in friendships that don’t call them higher. Inevitably, the more they hide, the worse things will become.

Eventually, the truth becomes unavoidable: nothing will change until he does. And once that happens, everything will begin to shift.

It’s important to open yourself up to support, whether that’s through mentors, therapy, men’s groups, coaching, or a combination of these. It should come not out of brokenness, but out of a desire to grow.

Over time, you’ll see your marriage begin to heal. Not through perfection or control, but through connection. Through learning how to come back to each other, again and again. The turning point isn’t a technique or a strategy. It is the willingness to stop hiding and ask for help.

What Studies Show About Men and Asking for Help

This isn’t just the story of a select few—it applies to so many men around the world.

Men are significantly less likely than women to seek counseling or support. According to the CDC, in 2019 “Nearly one in four women received any mental health treatment (24.7%) in the past 12 months, compared with 13.4% of men”. Men are also 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide, often because they suppress, avoid, and isolate.

Even in relationships, the majority of couples therapy is initiated by women. Men often wait until things are breaking—or broken—before reaching out.

It’s not arrogance. It’s conditioning.

From the time we’re boys, we’re told to be strong, capable, independent. You fall down, you get up. You struggle, you figure it out. You feel scared, you “man up.” That programming doesn’t disappear when we get married. Instead, it follows us right into our relationships, where asking for support feels like failure.

How Your Childhood Role May Be Holding You Back in Your Relationship

In Relational Life Therapy, we often talk about the hero child, which is a role many men unconsciously play long before adulthood.

The hero child is the one who holds it all together. He’s the achiever, the responsible one, the rock. Maybe you were the oldest, the dependable one, the kid who stepped up because someone had to.

And it worked! You got praise, trust, even admiration. But there was a cost.

The hero child is overtly empowered but covertly shamed. You’re trusted with adult-level responsibility, but punished (often subtly) for having needs of your own. You learn to perform, to provide, to solve, but not to receive.

When that child grows up, he becomes the man who’s great at handling life but terrible at letting himself be helped. He believes his worth is tied to being useful, and that if he stops performing, he loses value.

He becomes admired but not known. Capable but disconnected. Strong, but lonely.

You were trained to survive, but now it’s time to learn how to live and love differently.

The Power of Real Support (and Where to Find It)

The moment you accept support, you open the door to real change.

But support doesn’t always start with your wife. For most men, it starts with finding other men who are walking the same path. That can be difficult, because most of us don’t have spaces like that.

Too often, we’re surrounded by guys who say everything’s fine when it’s not. Or by men who joke about how miserable marriage is, who normalize disconnection. If that’s your circle, it’s time to change your environment. You can’t grow into a better husband while surrounded by people who don’t believe that’s possible.

You need a community that supports growth, accountability, and where men call each other forward.

That’s exactly why Better Husband Academy exists. It’s a space for men who want to grow, who want to be challenged, and who want to do it together. Inside the Academy, we work through real conversations, practical tools, and shared experiences.

Through this online support, you’ll find support from other men in similar situations. Over time, you’ll see your marriage begin to change. Your confidence will grow, and emotional clarity will strengthen. All of this is exactly what your relationship needs to start healing.

What Healthy Support Looks Like for Men in Marriage

Except these changes can’t be restricted to an online space. Your marriage is real, and likewise requires you do some work in the real world as well.

Seeking out support in your life looks like:

• Telling your wife when you’re struggling before it turns into distance or anger.
• Asking for space when you need it and closeness when you need that, too.
• Letting your mentors, brothers, or community in, instead of carrying everything alone.

When you do these things, you stop white-knuckling your way through your marriage. You start showing up grounded, not guarded. And for the first time in a long time, you let yourself be seen—not as the fixer, but as the man who’s willing to grow.

How Reaching Out Can Transform You and Your Marriage

Trying to prove you don’t need help is the very thing keeping you from getting better.

Being a better husband isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. It’s about being open, willing, and brave enough to say, “I can’t do this alone.”

So ask yourself:

• Where have I been trying to climb out of the pit alone?
• Where have I convinced myself I should already have it figured out?
• And what might change if I finally reached out?

Whatever your next step looks like—taking a class, calling a friend, or joining a group—take it. Start building your way out of the pit with support.

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Take the Next Step

If this message hit home, don’t stop here.

Join the Better Husband Academy—a community designed for men who are ready to grow, lead, and reconnect in their marriage with the support they’ve been missing.

And if you’re looking for practical tools you can start using right now, download the free Better Husband Toolkit.

Don’t forget to listen to the accompanying podcast episode, too.