4 Steps That Will Help You Get the Most Out of Your Marriage

Marriage can be one of the greatest sources of joy in life. Getting to spend it with your best friend and teammate is a privilege that not everyone has.

But, it can also be a place of quiet frustration. Many husbands find themselves taking care of everyone else, whether that’s making sure the kids are happy, the bills are paid, or that their partner has what they need. There might come a time when they realize that they’ve been silently pushing their own wants aside. Eventually, this can leave a man feeling unseen, disconnected, and resigned to just "going through the motions".

Balancing Generosity With Personal Fulfillment

The truth is, a healthy marriage doesn’t have to feel like constant sacrifice. It’s about balance: giving generously to your partner while also feeling fulfilled yourself. The key to creating that balance is identifying those inner needs and learning how to ask for them in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.

This article explores some essential strategies to help husbands get more of what they want in their marriage through honest communication, mutual respect, and skillful requests. Here are the steps you need to take in order to be successful in getting the best out of your most important partnership:

Step One: Understand Why Strong Marriages Require Effort

There is a popular myth that “good marriages should be easy.” Many people grow up believing love should be effortless because it’s an illusion we’re often sold throughout our lives. We’ve all had at least one instance of hearing that, if two people are truly compatible, they’ll automatically understand each other’s needs, there will be no conflict, and everyone happily rides off into the sunset. But in reality, thriving marriages don’t just happen by themselves. They’re built, strengthened, and maintained through consistent effort.

(In fact, avoiding conflict for the sake of comfort can actually erode intimacy, which you can read more about here.)

Think about the areas of life that bring pride: career achievements, fitness milestones, close friendships. Did any of these come easily? Of course not! And marriage is no different. The biggest added challenge is that relationships involve two people. Unlike career or fitness goals, a partner can’t know what is wanted without being told.

A strong marriage requires being clear, intentional, and willing to communicate openly. That communication doesn’t need to be complicated, but it definitely needs to be practiced.

Step Two: Acknowledge Your Wants and Needs

The first step to a more fulfilling marriage is simple but often overlooked: accepting that your wants matter. Many men avoid voicing needs because they don’t want to appear selfish or demanding. Others convince themselves that “going with the flow” makes things easier for everyone else involved.

But staying silent often has the opposite effect. When a man consistently answers with, “Whatever you want,” he may think he’s being helpful, but in reality he’s placing the burden of decision-making solely on his partner. Over time, this can lead to frustration and even resentment.

Instead, consider what actually creates happiness and connection for you. Ask yourself:

• What does quality time with my spouse look like?
  
• How do I want to feel in my marriage day to day?
  
• What are the small actions that make me feel loved, respected, and appreciated?
  

Acknowledging these wants doesn’t diminish your partner’s needs. It actually creates space for mutual exchange, where both people feel valued, and can thus grow together.

Step Three: Detach from the Outcome

One of the hardest truths in marriage (and frankly, in many other aspects of life, too) is that asking does not guarantee receiving. A spouse has the right to say no. That doesn’t mean requests should go unspoken! It means expectations must be balanced with generosity.

If your partner declines a request, the conversation should remain an opportunity for further communication and understanding, not conflict. It’s important to remember that “no” is not a rejection of you as a person. It’s simply a point of difference that can open dialogue. Sometimes it may even lead to creative compromises.

Approaching these moments with curiosity rather than defensiveness is critical because it builds trust. For example, instead of hearing “no” and shutting down, ask: “Can you tell me more about why this doesn’t work for you?” That conversation often leads to deeper understanding and sometimes to solutions that meet both needs.

Step Four: Ask with Skill and Intention

Something important to keep in mind that is often overlooked: How a request is made often matters more than the request itself.

Read that again; it's important.

Complaining about what hasn’t been received almost always leads to defensiveness. Focusing on the past in this negative way won’t help any situation. Instead, frame requests around the future and what it would create for the relationship.

For example, instead of saying:
“Why do you always leave the house a mess? I wish you’d pick up after yourself.”

Try:
“I feel calmer and more present when our home is organized. It would mean a lot to me if you could put your clothes in the hamper. That would help me show up better for you and our family.”

This approach accomplishes three important things:

1. It explains why the request matters.
   
   
2. It shows how meeting the need benefits the marriage, not just one person.
   
   
3. It includes a clear, specific action.
   

The tone of the request (respectful, future-focused, and appreciative) makes it easier for a partner to respond generously and with grace.

Practice with Small Changes

Marriage is built on daily habits, not grand gestures. Learning to ask for what you want can start small. One helpful exercise is to reflect on a recent moment when you asked for something you wanted, but didn’t get it:

1. Write down exactly how the request was expressed at the time. Don’t sugarcoat things. Just write what was said. Try to identify if you were simply complaining about something, or if you were actually asking for it in a constructive, thoughtful way.    
2. Now, rewrite it in a positive, future-focused way. Write it with the intention of helping your partner see the vision you have for your marriage’s future.

This practice helps shift communication patterns away from blame and toward collaboration. Even if the first attempts feel awkward, consistent practice makes it easier over time. And with each successful exchange, both partners grow more comfortable with honest, constructive dialogue.

Putting It All Together

The process of getting more of what you want in your marriage can be summarized in four steps:

1. Reject the myth that marriage should be effortless; effort is what makes it thrive.
   
   
2. Acknowledge your needs without guilt and share them openly.
   
   
3. Detach from the outcome, because not every request will be fulfilled. And that’s okay!
   
   
4. Ask with positive, future-focused language that fosters connection rather than criticism.
   

When you take responsibility for voicing needs clearly and respectfully, you not only improve your own satisfaction, but you also strengthen the foundation of the marriage. A partnership where both people feel heard and valued is more resilient, more joyful, and more loving.

Making Yourself Heard

Marriage isn’t about quietly enduring or hoping a partner will magically “just know.” It’s about building a relationship where both people thrive. When men step forward to ask for what they want with skill, generosity, and patience, they create space for deeper intimacy and mutual growth.

The reward is more than just getting needs met. It’s the experience of waking up next to someone and feeling gratitude not only for who they are, but for the marriage you’ve built together. And that is the kind of relationship worth putting in the effort for.

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If this article resonated with you, you’ll find even more practical tools and real conversations on the Better Husband podcast. Each episode is designed to help you communicate with confidence and build a marriage that truly works for both of you.