How to Build True Intimacy in Your Marriage

The Quest for Peace in Marriage

If most of us were honest with ourselves, we would probably say that one of the things we want most in our marriage is peace, right? A calm, easy life with fewer arguments and maximum comfort. But here’s the truth: choosing easy comfort like this over connection can quietly kill the intimacy in even the strongest of marriages.

If you're wondering how, you've come to the right place. Read on to find out how the complacency that makes so many people think they're getting it right is actually detracting from strengthening the bond with your wife.

An Illusion of Peace

“Peace” is generally perceived as a positive word. “Peace” means less war, more safety and security. However, in relationships, avoiding conflict is often mistaken for true peace. And for a time, this makes sense: avoiding conflict is much more comfortable than facing it head-on. On the surface, it might even look like the ideal marriage. Your friends and family may marvel at how you both have achieved such harmony.

But real peace isn’t about the absence of arguments. It’s actually about the presence of connection. And connection is impossible without some difficult discussions and clashes of opinions. Avoidance might feel safe, but over time, this comfort creates distance.

Hiding Behind Comfort in My Marriage

Let me share a little bit about how this “comfort” showed up in my own marriage. Ten years ago, I was convinced that avoiding conflict was protecting my marriage. Things looked calm from the outside, but behind closed doors, the intimacy between us was slipping away. I skipped tough conversations, downplayed emotions, and kept everything surface-level.

Of course, you can't hide these feelings forever, and pretty soon, my wife realized something was up. But even still, I just couldn't engage the way my marriage required. And so, over time, what seemed like peace was revealed to really be disconnection. 

The turning point came when I leaned into the discomfort, built emotional intelligence, and faced difficult conversations instead of avoiding them. That shift began rebuilding intimacy in my marriage.

The Evolution of Marriage & Avoiding the Comfort Trap

If you’re curious about how these changes are made, it’s important to understand the history of relationship dynamics and how not modifying this approach can contribute to a suffering marriage.

Marriage's Changing Definition

In the past, marriage was built on stability and companionship. That worked for many couples in previous generations. Today’s marriages, however, demand something deeper: cherishing behaviors, accountability, and repair work. These skills require learning vulnerability, repair, and communication.

Getting Stuck in the Relationship Cycle

Dr. John Gottman's book What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes states that half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. A major reason for this is that couples get caught in the “comfort trap.” Instead of facing conflict and doing the work of intimacy, they choose avoidance. This cycle feels easier in the short run. Let's face it: who doesn't like an easy ride? But this approach eventually erodes trust and closeness over time, making everything much harder.

Four Keys to Escaping the Comfort Trap

Now that we’ve named the issue, how do we go about avoiding settling into this so-called “comfort trap”? Well, we can start by integrating four key ideas:

1. Cherishing and Vulnerability

   Let's first take a look at two concepts that are nonnegotiable in any marriage. First up is "cherishing". This means consistently showing your spouse that she is valued. That could be through small gestures, kind words, or genuine curiosity about her inner world. The second is "vulnerability", which is the courage to express feelings and needs honestly, even if it’s not always the easiest thing to do. Without it, intimacy fades.

2. Harmony → Disharmony → Repair

   Every relationship cycles through these three phases. While the second term “disharmony” may sound scary at first, the goal isn’t to avoid it. Just learning how to handle it well. Once you teach your mind it isn't something to be feared, you will start to see real progress. "Repairing" conflict means rebuilding trust, not proving who’s right. Listening without defensiveness and acknowledging emotions are powerful repair tools that deescalate conflict quickly and get you back on track to restoring intimacy.

3. Discomfort Is Necessary

   Something that many people probably don’t want to hear, but is no less true: discomfort is a necessary part of any successful relationship. Growth doesn’t happen in comfort zones, and while discomfort during conflict can feel challenging, it’s the gateway to deeper intimacy. Facing tough moments together builds resilience, trust and—yes—intimacy.

4. Still Water vs. Flowing River

   Comfort may feel safe, but like stagnant water, it lacks life. Intimacy is much more like a flowing river. It’s dynamic, alive, and always moving forward. Navigating those currents requires vulnerability and repair, which may be challenging, but always rewards those who put in the effort.

Three Practical Steps for Building Intimacy

It’s one thing to know these realities about intimacy in relationships, but it’s another to make meaningful changes that will help achieve it. For that reason, here are some practical steps to help get the ball rolling. They may not always be easy, but they will pay off in the end if done consistently and earnestly.

• Daily Check-Ins

  Spend five minutes each day asking things like: “How are you feeling today? What do you need?” Then, listen carefully and reflect back what was heard. This simple practice builds emotional intimacy and shows genuine care. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but the more genuine your curiosity, the more reassured your partner will be. Something like, “Wow, I hear that you’ve got a big business meeting today and you feel like you have something big to contribute. And what you need is for me to check in with you later about how it went.”

• Repair Rituals

  Something else that's non-negotiable is taking accountability after disagreements for any part played in the conflict. And that means disagreements big or small. Step into your spouse’s shoes, acknowledge any hurt, and ask: “Is there anything I can do to make this better?” Listen closely and follow through, but be patient if she needs time to think about what to say.

• The Cherishing Challenge

  The last one is this: commit to three small gestures of love each week. Things like a thoughtful note, an unexpected hug, or a sincere compliment are a great start. Make it something that she wouldn’t necessarily expect from you. These consistent, intentional actions reinforce value and affection. And remember, these can be small. The most important thing is that you make it personal, make it loving, and make it real.

A Gentle Invitation to Reflect

One of the most important skills you will build through these practices is that of reflection. So, ask yourself: when was the last vulnerable conversation with your spouse? Was conflict avoided for comfort’s sake? What would leaning in have looked like instead? And why didn’t you? 

True intimacy in marriage requires effort, vulnerability, and the courage to engage in uncomfortable conversations. Commit to this, stay consistent, and I promise you’ll be rewarded with a deeper, lasting connection. Start small, stay consistent, and notice how even simple changes begin to transform your relationship.

--

For additional support, reach out and learn about how I can help you build a stronger marriage. If you'd like additional insights or prefer listening to this kind of thing, check out the accompanying podcast episode.