What to Do When You Feel Like Your Marriage Is Over

There are moments in a difficult marriage when it doesn't just feel like things are bad. It feels like you've finally seen the truth.

This is it.

This is what my marriage is going to be like from now on.

Or, if things have gotten bad enough:

My marriage is over.

Once your mind goes there, it can start filling in the rest of the story. Where will you live? What will happen with your kids? What will you tell your family? What will your life look like six months from now?

Suddenly, you're grieving a future that hasn't actually happened.

In June 2021, my wife and I were sitting on the floor after months of serious problems in our marriage. She had told me she was unhappy and wasn't sure she wanted to stay married to me. I'd started getting support and taking a hard look at my own role in what had happened.

But while I was sitting there talking to her, my mind had already started imagining that painful future without her.

I was imagining where I'd live, what I'd tell my parents, and what it would mean for my son.

Not only was my marriage in trouble, my mind had also taken one painful moment and turned it into forever.

When Your Mind Turns Today Into Forever

When your marriage is hurting, your mind wants certainty.

It doesn't like I don't know what happens next, so it takes what you're experiencing right now and projects it into the future.

Sometimes it goes even further and starts writing the story of your divorce before anything has actually been decided.

But there's a difference between saying my marriage is hurting right now and saying my marriage is over. One describes the moment you're in, while the other assumes you already know how the story ends.

And when you believe the second one, you can start checking out. Why keep reaching for your wife if you've already decided the relationship is finished? Why keep listening, changing, or trying if you've convinced yourself nothing will make a difference?

Stop Trying to Solve Your Whole Marriage

If you’ve found yourself in a situation like this, then you know what it’s like inside your head. Your brain is throwing all of these questions at you, and you can’t answer a single one. Your perspective starts getting smaller and smaller. Eventually, you can’t see six months ahead, much less the rest of your life.

In these moments, you have to try to break this cycle. Instead, try asking yourself:

What does this moment need from me right now?

That is a much smaller question, and much easier for your brain to answer.

The next time you find yourself in conversation with your wife, stay in the conversation instead of shutting down.Tell your wife the truth instead of saying what you think she wants to hear. Let yourself be seen even if everything in you wants to protect yourself.

You’ll find that, over time, the answer changes from day to day. Sometimes it means giving your wife more space, or opening up some more, getting support or even being the support she needs.

You don't have to know how you're going to fix every problem in your marriage. You don't have to know what your relationship will look like five years from now. But you do need to be willing to figure out what this moment is asking of you.

Keep Your Head Where Your Feet Are

There's a phrase from recovery work that captures this idea:

Keep your head where your feet are.

Your feet are here.

Your head, however, can be anywhere. It can be ten years in the future, imagining a completely healed marriage. Or it can be six months in the future, imagining divorce, lawyers, two houses, and your kids going back and forth.

But neither of those places is where you actually are.

You're here.

And this is the only place where you can do anything.

You can't fix the next 40 years of your marriage today. You can't guarantee that everything will work out. You can't solve every problem at once.

You can take today's next right step.

Maybe that's apologizing for something you did, or listening without immediately defending yourself. It could be giving your wife the space she asked for, or admitting that you need help.

Focus on finding the right step for where you are.

Don't Turn Good Days Into Forever Either

There's another side to this that can be just as dangerous: Things start getting better. You reconnect, the tension lifts, and you have a few good conversations. You’ve started feeling hopeful again.

Then your mind makes the opposite prediction:

• We're fixed.

• We've finally made it.
• It'll always be like this now.

It's the same mistake in a different direction.

Before, you decided the bad was permanent. Now, you're deciding the good is permanent.

Once you believe you've reached the finish line, it's easy to stop doing the things that helped you get there.

I made that mistake myself. After months of progress, I started to coast. Then an issue we'd already worked through came back up, and my first thought was, Why is this still here? I thought we were past this.

Marriage doesn't always move in a straight line. Now, an old issue resurfacing doesn't automatically mean your progress was fake. But sometimes there's another layer to work through. Sometimes you need to respond differently than you did before.

A good stretch isn't a finish line, and a hard day isn't proof that everything has failed. Both are simply asking you the same question: What is this moment asking of you?

You Don't Need to Know How the Story Ends

There are no promises that your marriage will work out. Being present doesn't magically repair a relationship, and sometimes marriages do end.

But the opposite isn't a guarantee either. You can't know that your marriage is doomed simply because today is painful. That's the trap of turning today into forever.

You don't have to pretend everything is okay. In fact, no one should go into a marriage with this mindset. When you do, you ignore serious problems or force yourself to be optimistic.

Instead, simply stop asking today to tell you what the rest of your life will look like. Today has enough to deal with already.

Bring Yourself Back to the Moment

The next time you catch yourself thinking this is how it's always going to be, stop and notice it. Then, look for the opposite version when things are going well: We're finally fixed! We'll never have this problem again. 

It's the same mistake in both directions. You're taking the present and turning it into forever.

Instead:

1. Notice where your feet are. Literally stop and ground yourself in the place you're standing.
2. Check your head. Are you in the moment, or are you already living in some imagined future?
3. Ask the question. What does this moment need from me right now?
4. Take the next right step.

It might be small, and that's okay. Instead of focusing on the next ten steps you need to take, start with the one that's actually in front of you.

Your Marriage Is Built One Day at a Time

That night in June 2021, I was convinced my marriage was over. I couldn't see beyond that moment, and I couldn't imagine that I'd still be married years later.

When you're in the middle of a difficult season, you don't know what the future holds. Your mind will try to fill in the blanks, but today's pain isn't proof that things will always be painful.

While we’re at it, today's peace isn't proof that you've finished the work either.

Your marriage is built in the days you're actually living, not the future you're imagining. So when your head runs off into the future, bring it back to your feet. Neither the hard days or the good days will be forever.

So come back to the present and ask:

What does this moment need from me right now?

Then take the next right step. That's all you need to do today.

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Don't Write the Ending

If you saw similarities with where you are in your marriage in this article, check out the accompanying podcast episode for a deeper conversation about what it means to stay present when your mind is already trying to write the ending.

And if you’re ready to take a more intentional approach to becoming a better husband, check out the Better Husband Workshop for practical guidance to help you understand your patterns, strengthen your marriage, and take the next right step.