Why Your Marriage Gets Harder When You Finally Start Trying

[00:00:00] When You're Trying Harder and She's Pulling Away

Years ago, there was a moment in my marriage that I've talked about a lot of times on this podcast where everything felt like it came crashing down.

My wife finally worked up the courage to tell me all the ways that I wasn't being the husband, that she needed. All the ways I prioritized the wrong things. All the ways I shut down emotionally and left her feeling alone in our marriage. And unlike every other time she'd brought something to me where I'd push back or defend myself or try to prove her wrong or just shut down, this time, something in me cracked open.

I can't totally explain why our son had just turned one, and maybe becoming a father unlocked a part of me that had been closed off for a long time, but for the first time, I could see it. I could see through her eyes. I could hear what she'd been trying to tell me for years. And I could finally accept that she was right.

That was a turning point. And here's the part that might be tough to hear if you are going through this exact moment right now. The days, weeks, and months that followed didn't get easier. They actually got harder. I had to get honest with myself and with her. I had to take real ownership of what I'd done and who I'd been.

I had to take action. I had to keep going when things felt impossible and nothing seemed to be changing and start undoing years of damage. And as I did that work, as I learned more about myself, as I untangled the lies I'd woven, as I'd started showing up as a better husband, I started to feel like a new man.

I felt like a weight had been lifted, like things were finally headed in the right direction. But for my wife, the experience was the complete opposite. Things felt heavier for her. She was finally free to talk about how painful it had been, how long she'd been carrying it alone, and while I was feeling relief, she was processing years of hurt.

My experience and her experience as we move through this work of transforming our marriage, were completely different.

Today, i'm going to walk through the exact process I went through with my wife and break it down into three specific phases that are required to go from the moment where everything feels like it's falling apart to the moment where you can look around and be proud of the marriage you've both created.

By the end of this episode, you're going to know where you are in this process, why each step is critical, why rushing past any of them will cost you more than you realize, and most importantly, why your experience throughout this entire process is going to be drastically different than hers.

If you've recently come to the realization that you're ready to become a better husband. Or if you've been in this work for a while and you're trying to figure out why your wife seems to be struggling when you feel like you've made real changes, stick around. This episode might change the way you see everything you're doing right now and help you understand what she's going through.

[00:02:44] The Night I Stopped Defending and Started Listening

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

So when my wife told me how she'd been feeling, how alone she'd been, the truth landed in a way it never had before.

I didn't argue. I didn't explain. I just listened and I owned it every way. I'd fallen short every way. I'd caused her pain, every way I'd hidden from the things that were uncomfortable. And then I got to work. My heart was all in.

This wasn't me checking boxes, so she'd calm down or doing just enough to keep her from walking out the door. I knew, and I mean, I knew it in my gut that if I couldn't look at the patterns I brought into our marriage that drove us apart, if I couldn't change the ways I got defensive or shut down, if I couldn't understand what made her feel truly loved, our marriage was over.

That was the honest reality of where we were. I joined a men's group. I started therapy. I did recovery work, not just for the marriage, but for me. I started showing up as a father in a way I hadn't been. I also made the decision to leave my career as a firefighter. Now, I'm not saying everyone needs to quit their job, but for me that was an essential part of my own healing and our healing together.

And we started talking. Nearly every night after our son went to bed, my wife and I sat together and got honest. Some nights were heavy. She came in grieving or crying or angry. Some nights she went inward trying to make sense of everything she'd been holding on for so long. And other nights we're beautiful. There was joy, there was laughter, real gratitude for the fact that we were doing this together.

It wasn't a clean line upward. When things started to improve, and they did slowly, I didn't take that as my cue to ease up. I didn't tell myself, okay, we're past the worst of it. I can relax. I held onto every good day, and when things got painful again, I kept showing up.

And here's what I need to be honest about. Even as things got better, there were still moments, little things I'd say, old habits, small gestures that brought her right back to when things were at their worst. And that still happens even now. And my heart is still in it.

I share all of that because recently as I continue to learn more about this process so I could better support the men I work with, I came across a book that made it really clear for me, not just what I went through, but what so many of the men I work with go through as well.

It lays out three phases that you must go through and your wife must experience in the process of rebuilding broken trust in a marriage. They call them sincerity, ability and durability. And when I read those words, I thought that's it. That's exactly what happened. I lived those three phases before I ever had an understanding of them.

And I know these words might not mean anything to you yet, so don't worry. I'm going to break each one down, what it means, why it matters, and what it actually looks like, not just in my marriage, but in the journeys of the men I work with every week, because I know this isn't only me. So let's start with sincerity.

[00:05:54] Why You Need To Be "All In"

When I say sincerity, I'm not talking about saying the right things and telling her you're going to do better. I'm talking about something deeper. Do you actually want this. From the bottom of your heart, do you actually want this marriage?

I ask because a lot of men get into this work out of fear. Fear of losing her. Fear of the kids growing up in two homes, fear of starting over. That's what gets them in the door. And fear gets you started but fear doesn't keep sincerity alive. Because what happens is the fear fades. She calms down a little, things get slightly more stable, and suddenly the urgency burns off. That's fear driven sincerity.

It looks real, but it doesn't last. What I'm asking is whether everything in you is moving in this direction. Your heart, your gut, whether you want this marriage, not because she demanded it, not because the alternative is worse, but because you love her and you genuinely want what's on the other side of this work. The closeness, the partnership, the life you could build together.

I had a man tell me recently, I'm a hundred percent all in as long as she's also willing to work on this, and I had to stop him. That condition that as long as she's also willing means your commitment is attached to hers, and that's not sincerity, that's making a deal. A few months later, that same man said something different.

He said, I don't need her to see it, for it to be real. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to appreciate the man I'm becoming. That's when I knew his sincerity had settled into something real. And here's what matters. Sincerity isn't just about what you feel inside. It's also about what she experiences.

You can feel completely committed and she can look at you and see a man who's been apologizing for years without anything actually changing. You don't get to grade your own paper. Her experience of your sincerity matters too. Your wife has probably heard apologies before. She's probably heard promises.

She's been through the cycle of you getting scared, making changes, and then drifting back once the pressure lets up. So when she looks at you now, she's not just watching what you do, she's trying to feel whether this time is different. Whether the man standing in front of her actually wants to be here or whether he's just afraid of what happens if it doesn't.

Does she feel that you want this, not that you're going through the motions, not that you're performing change because you're afraid. But that your heart is actually in it. That's what sincerity comes down to. And I know that's hard because you might be doing everything you know how to do, and she still might not feel it yet.

That doesn't mean your sincerity isn't real. It means she's still learning to trust it. Both of those things can be true at the same time. If this is where you are in the process, if you're still working on being truly all in, still sorting out whether your motivation is coming from fear or from real desire.

Stay here. Don't rush past this. You can't build a foundation you haven't laid, but if you know, really know that your heart is in it and she's starting to feel it too, you're ready for what comes next. Ability.

[00:09:02] Why Showing Up Isn't the Same as Changing

Ability is follow through. It's one thing to say you're willing to do whatever it takes.

It's another thing to actually do it when the moment shows up. Are you reaching out for support? Are you actually showing up to the group that you joined Are you doing the work between calls? Whatever it is you've committed to, are you doing it fully?

A lot of men check the surface boxes. Podcast on the drive to work. Check. A chapter of a book before bed. Check. Maybe even joining a support group, but never actually attending or showing up to the call, but scrolling through your phone or reading emails instead of being all in. And they think I'm doing the work. But ability runs deeper than a routine. It's about what happens when the hard moment is in front of you.

This came up recently in Better Husband Academy, a man who'd been showing up to calls for weeks, every single one. But when I asked him what specific pattern he was working on at home, what gets triggered in him, how he responds when it happens, what he's practicing differently, he couldn't tell me. He was present, but he wasn't practicing.

He was checking the box of showing up without doing the work that actually changes things. Learning to sit with his wife's frustrations without getting defensive. Understanding what she's really asking for underneath the words. Knowing how to come back and repair after he gets it wrong. That's what he needed to be practicing.

Ability isn't doing more. It's doing the right things your marriage actually needs, the things she's been asking for, and the things that begin to change the pattern that got you to this point.

A lot of men are managing logistics, keeping the peace, handling the house, not rocking the boat, but the ability that rebuilds trust is different. It's learning to sit in a hard conversation without shutting down. It's being able to say, I was wrong without needing her to respond in a specific way. Here's where it gets really challenging though.

The biggest trap in this phase isn't laziness. It's shame. When she tells you how much she's been hurting, when she's crying or angry or pulling away, something in you wants to fold. The guilt hits, and suddenly it's not about her hurt anymore. It's about yours. She's not just dealing with her grief. Now she's watching you fall apart over the fact that you caused it.

I've seen this play out. A man hears his wife's hurt and his face drops, his shoulders cave, and now she's the one reassuring him that it's going to be okay. Her hurt became about his feelings, and that's not ability. The ability move is to stay in the room to hear it, to let it land.

Don't defend, don't explain, don't spiral. One of the men I work with learned to simply say, if you want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm listening, and then stop. No pushing or controlling the conversation. He waited. That was the first time in months his wife felt like he was actually there. Not performing presence, but actually present.

If this is where you are, if you're building the skills, learning to sit with the hard conversations, figuring out how to actually change the patterns, stay here. Ability takes practice and practice takes time. But when you can feel yourself doing the real work, not just showing up, but changing, you're ready for the next phase.

Sincerity without ability is just good intentions and good intentions. Don't rebuild Trust

You need both sincerity and ability connected and in the right order. And once those are in place, you have to look at the next phase. Durability.

[00:12:23] Don't Mistake a Good Stretch for the Finish Line

This is where most men lose the thread durability is the question of whether you're going to keep going when the urgency fades.

Right now, while things are rough, you've got motivat. The hurt reminds you every day why you're doing this, but what happens when things improve? When the fights slow down, when she softens, when the house feels calmer, do you stay just as intentional or do you drift back to the version of you that only shows up when things are falling apart?

Most men have durability during a crisis. When the house is on fire, they'll run in. The harder test is when the fire is out and the house just needs daily care. That's where men get comfortable. That's where they tell themselves, we've turned the corner. One of the men I work with caught himself in this.

He told me I tend to let up when things start getting better, and he caught it before it cost him. He realized the progress wasn't because the problems were behind them, the progress was happening because he was doing the work. The moment he stopped, everything would slow down again.

Another man told me that the moment he realized he was at most risk wasn't during the hardest week of his marriage. It was during the best one. Things had been going well really well, and he could feel himself starting to relax. But he knew himself well enough to know what comes after a good stretch. His instinct was to ease off, to stop being as intentional, let the routine carry things for a while, and that's exactly where old patterns creep back in.

The good week, scared him. Not because anything went wrong, but because he recognized the pull to coast. That's actually a sign of durability. Knowing that a good stretch is where you're most likely to let up. Your wife has probably watched this cycle before. You engage when things break down, then fade when they stabilize.

That pattern more than almost anything is why her trust rebuilds so slowly. She's watching to see if this time holds. And here's where durability goes wrong. Sometimes a lot of men hit a point where they go on autopilot, their behavior looks better than it used to. They're staying more engaged, doing more of the right things, but the heart behind it starts to fade.

The sincerity that got them into this work begins to leave, and what's left is a holding pattern, just waiting. Waiting for her to come around, waiting for things to feel normal again, and because it looks calmer from the outside, they call it patience.

And she can tell. She could always tell when you were fully in it, when your heart was engaged and you were doing the work because you wanted to, not because you had to, there was something different about it. She could feel it. And when that leaves, when the autopilot kicks in, things change and she feels it before you do.

Real durability doesn't keep track of time. It doesn't ask should things be further along by now. It doesn't treat her hurt as something to get past. It treats the daily work as the commitment itself.

I've worked with men whose wives saw these patterns years before the men did. Years. So when a man tells me I've been doing this for a few months, why isn't she there yet? I have to be honest. She's been carrying this longer than you've been paying attention.

A few months don't erase years. It starts something new. And that something takes as long as it takes. If this is where you are, if you've built the sincerity and the ability, but you're fighting the pull to ease off when things get better, stay here.

This is your edge right now. Don't mistake a good stretch for the finish line

[00:15:44] A Few Months Don't Erase Years

There's one more thing I need you to really hear. This isn't something you need to understand in your mind. It's something you need to really feel in your body. This process takes longer than you want it to. And a lot of the time it gets harder before it gets better. Your wife held her hurt alone for a long time.

When you finally start showing up, she doesn't feel instant relief. She feels permission to let it out. Your growth didn't lighten her load. It opened the door for everything she'd been carrying to come through. And the urgency you feel, the wanting it to go faster, the frustration that she's not where you are yet, that's you centering your experience again.

It's the same thing, just harder to see you. Look at how far you've come and think, doesn't she see this? And she's looking at the same progress thinking. You were capable of this the whole time. Where was this man five years ago? I've felt this. The men I work with feel this. It's one of the loneliest parts of the journey.

There is no finish line. Even now, years into my own marriage, this still requires sincerity, ability and durability. There are still days where something I do takes her back to when things were at their worst, and my heart is still in it. I don't blame her for it. I don't get frustrated about it. I don't judge her. I don't pile it onto a list of resentments.

I acknowledge the truth in it. I accept it as part of the process. I see the humaness in what she's gone through and what I continue to go through. This is life. This is partnership. This is love.

The question that keeps me grounded is this: when I get to the end of my life and look back on my marriage, will I be able to say that I really did everything I could to the best of my ability to love my wife in the way she deserved to be loved?

You don't answer that question once. You answer it every day.

[00:17:34] Awareness, Action, Accountability

As always, let's close this episode with awareness, action, and accountability. Because understanding something is one thing, taking action on it is another, and being held accountable to it is what holds it all together.

Here's a question I want you to answer.

Don't just think about it, write it down. Really get clear on this. What do you imagine your wife is experiencing right now? Not what you think she should be feeling based on the work you've been doing, but what's she actually going through? How might her experience be different from yours?

Now, here are three action steps I want you to take this week based on this episode.

One, figure out where you are in the three phases. Get honest with yourself. If you're not sure, start with sincerity. And even if you've been doing this work for months, go back and ask, has she felt my sincerity not have I felt sincere? Has she?

Two, have one conversation this week where you listen without responding. She brings up something that stings, her frustration, her doubt, the hurt she's still carrying. And you let it sit there. No defense. No, but I've been working on it. Just hear her and when she's done, tell her thank you for telling me that.

Three, name, one area where you've been measuring your progress by your own experience instead of hers.

Where have you been grading your own paper? Then sit with how she might see that same thing from where she stands.

Now for accountability to make sure that you actually follow through on what you now understand. If you can see yourself in one of these phases, if you've made progress, but you're ready for real support so you can keep doing this for the long haul, you don't have to do this alone.

That's where Better Husband Academy comes in. It's where the men whose stories I shared in this episode, connect on live calls every single week, share their wins and their challenges in the community, and keep learning what it takes to become a better husband. I'm in there hosting live calls, answering questions, watching men do this work and transform their marriages.

If you're on the journey of becoming a better husband and you're ready to get support as you continue on this path, join us. Go to betterhusbandacademy.com and sign up now.

[00:19:38] Closing Takeaway

Now, here's what I want you to take away from this episode. Sincerity, ability, durability. Three phases of rebuilding broken trust.

They don't move on your timeline. They move on hers. This work is harder than you expect it to be, and it takes longer than you want.

But the man who stays in it, who keeps showing up when it's slow, when it's thankless, when the only real proof of progress is that he's still here doing it. That's the man whose marriage has a real chance, and that's the man you're learning to be.

I just wanna say thanks for being here and doing this work.

You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.