Why You Go From ‘I’ve Got This’ to ‘Forget It, I’m Done’

How You Go From Steady to Snapping

I like to think of myself as a pretty steady, grounded husband, but then travel day hits. Let me know if you can relate to this. It doesn't matter if we're flying across the world for a summer adventure, just a short vacation for a few days of rest.

It always shows up somewhere between the front door and the airport like it's waiting for its queue. I'm standing there with my bag ready, checking the time again. I've already loaded the car. The boarding passes are pulled up on my phone. The route to the airport is set, and then I feel that familiar tightness in my chest, that sense that everything needs to move a little faster.

A little smoother, a little cleaner than it's going right now. My wife is grabbing a couple last things she wants to bring. My son is tearing through the house looking for the one toy he refuses to leave behind, and nothing's that unusual. It's just normal pre-trip life. But something in me starts getting wound up.

And suddenly I'm not standing with my family, i'm standing ahead of them trying to move the whole day forward. By sheer force, I stopped being fun, loving dad, and I start acting like a job site foreman trying to hit a deadline. What's wild is that my intention couldn't be clearer. I want the trip to be good. I want my wife to feel taken care of. I want my son to feel excited and relaxed.

I want us to start the journey connected instead of rushed. But there I am on what's supposed to be a relaxing trip, slowly turning into the controlling reactive version of myself I don't enjoy. The version that here's a small comment from my wife and immediately thinks fine, i'll just handle everything.

Or the version that hits a snag along line, a delay, a forgotten item, and suddenly wants to throw my hands up and shut down. That's the part that gets me. How easily I can swing from tight control to complete collapse. From I've got this to forget it, i'm done. And I know I'm not alone.

I've talked to enough men to realize that this is a very common struggle in marriage, not knowing how to lead without gripping and not knowing how to step back without disappear. In this episode, we're gonna talk about that experience. We're gonna look at why so many of us swing between controlling and checking out.

We're going to talk about the collapse that happens in the middle, the point where leadership drops out and old patterns take over. And we're going to look at what real leadership actually feels like in a marriage. The kind that creates connection instead of friction and partnership instead of pressure.

By the end of this episode, you'll have a clear sense of your own pattern. The parts of you that try to take the lead. And the steady middle ground that makes everything in a marriage work better. Stick around you. Don't wanna miss this one.

How a Simple Trip Showed Me the Pattern I Didn’t See

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

When I look back on a recent family trip to Mexico this past fall, I can remember the sunsets and the ocean and the quiet mornings with coffee, but I can also remember the parts that didn't go so well. The times where I slipped into the same pattern I've lived more times than I'd like to admit. For me, travel always starts long before we get on the plane. I'm the one who pieces everything together. I track down the flights, compare the hotels, line up the transportation, and none of that feels like a burden. I actually enjoy it. It's one of the ways I show love, creating a smooth experience for the people I care about.

There's another layer too, though. Part of me genuinely believes that if I don't take the lead, nothing will happen. We'll drag our feet, miss the window, or settle for something that doesn't feel like us. And then there's the even quieter part, the one that imagines that everything's gonna fall apart if I'm not keeping watch.

That part doesn't show up every day, but on travel days, yeah, he's there. So we wake up the morning of the trip feeling excited. Bags are mostly packed. Everyone's in good spirits. It's the kind of morning where you think this is going to be great. And then the normal things start happening. My wife wants to double check something in the house.

My son decides he needs to bring a different toy. The sunscreen isn't where we thought it was, and the clock keeps moving. And honestly, none of this is unusual. It's just life. But inside of me, there's a tightening that starts to happen. I'm thinking about TSA lines and traffic and boarding times.

I want us to start the trip feeling calm and connected, but the more I focus on everything moving smoothly, the less I'm actually able to be present with the people I'm doing all of this for. And that's when my energy shifts. I start checking the time more often. I give short updates no one asks for. My tone sharpens my movements, gets quicker, more pointed.

And I start acting like the boss. Nobody wants urging everyone to move faster and trying to will the day into cooperating with a plan I created in my head. Eventually, something pushes me over the edge, maybe a longer line than expected, maybe a delay, maybe my son melting down because he is tired and hungry.

Maybe a comment from my wife that isn't meant as criticism, but hits me in the exact wrong way. And that's when I feel myself shift again. Away from control and into the collapse. It's that internal drop where the voice inside says, why do I even bother? If nothing goes right unless I manage every detail, then I am done. Someone else figured out.

It's not graceful, it doesn't help anything, but it's a well worn pattern. Later that night, in the quiet of the hotel room, the ocean outside, or a window, I lay there thinking about the day. The parts that felt good and the parts that felt pretty awful. And I can see it clearly. I can see the exact points where I tighten my grip and the places where I let go of the wheel entirely.

I can see how quickly I swing from one extreme to the other, and I can feel the impact of it, not just in me, but in how my family experiences me. This is a pattern I've lived with for years, and it's a pattern so many men also live with without even realizing it. Maybe for you, it shows up when you're rushing the kids out the door for school.

Maybe it's when you're trying to finish a home improvement project. Maybe it's around the holidays or family gatherings or anything where time feels tight and pressure rises. Wherever it shows up, the movement is the same.

A swing between trying to control everything and wanting to check out completely, and neither one feels good, not to her and not to you. That's why this episode is important, because the moment you recognize where you tend to lose your footing, you can start choosing responses that keep you steady instead of slipping into the same old cycle.

The Three-Stage Cycle: Control, Collapse, Check Out

When you slow down and look at the parts of your marriage that feel tense or disconnected, you start to notice a familiar rhythm underneath them. Different situations, different details, but it usually plays out the same way.

Many men move through the same three stage pattern. The first is control. It usually starts as a tightening. At least that's how I experience it, is a sense that something isn't lining up the way you pictured it. Maybe the timing feels off or someone's moving slower than you expected. Maybe a plan shifts when you were counting it on, its staying locked in.

Whatever the cause, your focus narrows. You move from being in it, to managing it. In your mind, this may feel like leadership. It feels responsible. It feels like you're helping the day stay on track. You're trying to hold things together, but the energy of control often lands differently on the receiving end. What feels like I'm helping to you can feel like pressure or intensity to your wife, especially when she starts sensing that you're more invested in the outcome than the connection.

Then comes the collapse, the middle point of the pattern. This is where your approach stops working. Maybe someone pushes back. Maybe the situation changes in a way you didn't expect. Maybe you feel misunderstood or unappreciated and instead of adjusting something inside, you over corrects. Your energy drops, your presence thins out.

It's like a step backward inside yourself. You disengage just enough that the people around you feel it. And this collapse isn't new. It's often a well-practiced move. A pattern you've relied on for most of your life in situations where you felt overwhelmed or unsure.

It kept you safe once, but now it pulls you out of the places where you're needed most. From here, the third stage comes almost automatically. Checking out. This is where you detach emotionally while staying physically present. You stop offering input.

You stop caring about how things unfold. You retreat into silence or distraction or a kind of internal waiting room until it passes. It can look calm from the outside, but on the inside you're essentially giving up. And your wife feels this shift the second she loses your engagement, even if she doesn't articulate it. She feels the dropout.

The absence of steady leadership, the absence of partnership, the absence of you. This entire cycle can unfold in a matter of minutes. Control takes over. It loses traction. You collapse. Then you drift into the background. And every man knows some version of this. Some live it during stressful moments like me.

Others go through it weekly and some daily. The way you get yourself out of this is first by seeing it. When you recognize where you tighten, where you fold, and where you disappear, you regain the ability to choose something different. Leadership in marriage is built on that choice. It's all about staying grounded long enough to respond with clarity instead of habit.

The Four Parts Working Inside You

When you think about the times where you slip out of steady leadership, it's tempting to see only one version of yourself. The one you don't like. The man who grips too hard or disappears too fast. But the truth is there are different parts inside you all trying to help in their own way.

And unless you know which part of you stepped forward, it's difficult to stay steady when things get hard. One part of you leads with love. This is the man who expresses care through effort and intention. When you plan a trip, set something up for the family or look ahead to what everyone might need.

That's him. He wants the people. He loves to feel supported. He feels alive when he's creating something meaningful. He's generous, thoughtful, and often unnoticed because his service happens quietly in the background.

Another part leads with skill. He enjoys the details, the problem solving, the coordination. He sees the moving pieces of a situation and knows how to bring them together. This is the part that scans the options, spots potential issues, and puts things into motion. He's driven by clarity and competence. When this part is leading, things tend to move smoothly because he's operating from interest and creativity rather than pressure.

There's also a part that leads with responsibility. This one has been with you for a long time. He carries the belief that if he doesn't step up, things won't happen. He takes ownership quickly, often without being asked. He's the part that makes sure the family gets where they need to go, that the bills are paid, that the plan doesn't fall apart. He's steady, dependable, and deeply committed to his people. And sometimes he carries more weight than he needs to.

Then there's the part that appears when uncertainty hits. The old survival part. He's not trying to make things more difficult. He's trying to keep you safe. This is the part that shows up when pressure rises or when life feels unpredictable. He braces, he tightens, he gets loud inside your head or shuts things down entirely. He believes that control is safety and that loosening your grip will make everything fall apart.

This old survival part often takes over during the collapse. He's been running the same script for years, long before marriage, long before adulthood. He knows how to take charge quickly, and he doesn't wait for permission. When he is leading the people around you feel it.

They feel the tension, the urgency, the edge in your tone or the sudden pullback when things don't go as planned. And because this part is reactive rather than intentional, it steers you in a direction you never meant to go.

Here's the important thing to remember. These parts are not enemies. They're not problems to eliminate. They each carry something valuable. Care, competence, responsibility, protection. The real question is who's holding the wheel when it really counts?

When the loving, skilled, and responsible parts are working together, your wife feels connected. Things move more easily, and the relationship feels safe. When the survival reaction takes over. The room tightens and the partnership slips away.

Maintaining steady relational leadership in your marriage is about recognizing which part of you has stepped forward and inviting the part that can meet what's in front of you with clarity instead of pressure. The more aware you are of these parts, the easier it becomes to return to the version of yourself your marriage actually needs in each moment.

So how do you actually put this into practice? Let's talk about it.

What Real Leadership in Marriage Feels Like

Once you start seeing your pattern and recognizing the different parts inside you, the next question becomes simple. What does real leadership look like in a marriage? I'm talking about the kind that doesn't grip the wheel or disappear, but actually makes both of you feel like you're doing something together.

At its core, steady leadership is collaborative. It's a sense that you are creating something with your wife rather than for her or at her. And this matters more than most men realize. Because when a woman feels included, understood, and considered, she relaxes. When she feels pushed, managed, or left alone with a responsibility, she pulls away.

The difference between those two reactions often comes to whether you're leading with her or from a distance. A practical way to bring this kind of leadership into your marriage is through a simple brief check-in with your wife. Something you do before the stressful part of the day hits.

Think of it as an expectations conversation, but not in the formal or corporate way. It is more like touching base, so the two of you can go into it on the same page and know exactly what you each need and how you can support each other.

Imagine you're looking ahead at something, coming up. Maybe it's a family gathering, a busy morning, an upcoming trip, or even just a full weekend. You take a minute to ask a few grounding questions. What's important here? What's yours to carry? What's hers? What would make this go more smoothly for both of you?

That small bit of clarity steadies things before the pressure arrives. It keeps assumptions from turning into conflict and it gives each of you a chance to voice something you might have overlooked. Leadership also means bringing your own needs into the conversation. Men often skip this part. They think leadership means absorbing everything, never asking for help and never needing support.

But steady leadership includes you in the picture. It's honest enough to say, here's where I could use some help from. Not as a demand, but as information that helps you stay grounded. When you approach things this way, your wife doesn't feel managed, she feels partnered, and you don't feel alone with the outcome you feel connected to the process.

And when you're actually in it, whether it's a travel day, a family event, or a simple transition at home, you're no longer improvising under pressure. You've already created a shared understanding. You've built a sense of us before anything even happens. Steady leadership also includes the ability to adjust without falling back to your survival patterns.

Plans change. Kids melt down. Timing shifts. Someone gets overwhelmed. When you've laid a collaborative foundation ahead of time, those disruptions feel less like personal threats and more like normal parts of your life you can handle together. Flexibility becomes easier because you're not carrying the weight alone.

And here's what your wife really wants in those moments. She wants you to stay engaged without tightening your grip. To be steady without pushing. Collaborative leadership makes that possible. It creates conditions where the best parts of you, the loving, skilled, responsible parts can take the lead without being hijacked by the part that reacts under pressure.

When you begin leading in this way, you avoid the extremes of control and checking out. You also begin building a pattern that strengthens the relationship at its foundation, a pattern where both of you feel supported, considered, and in it together.

What to Do Differently This Week

Here's some action steps you can take if you feel ready to make a change.

Before anything can shift, you have to get honest about the pattern you've been living. So take some time this week and think back to a recent experience where you move between control and checking out. Maybe it was a tense afternoon at home, a rush morning, or a situation where pressure hit you quicker than you expected.

Look at it without judgment. Just notice the pattern inside of you, what set it off, and how it shaped the interaction.

Once you see it, make a commitment to yourself that this is something you're ready to change. Have this be a conscious decision that the way you respond under pressure matters to you and your marriage. To your wife, and to the feel of your home.

Write it down as a contract to yourself or tell someone you trust so that they can help you stay accountable

Then, look ahead at the next situation where this pattern might show up again. It doesn't have to be a major event. It might be a small family gathering, an upcoming trip, a school function, or even a morning routine that tends to get messy. Picture it and imagine how you want to show up this time.

Before that time arrives, take a minute to check in with your wife about what's coming. Share the plan. Ask what's important to her and offer what you can take on, and when you do let her know the truth. That in the past you've slipped into patterns that haven't helped either of you, and that you want to approach things differently now. With more steadiness, more clarity, and more partnership

Reflection Questions to Help You See Yourself Clearly

As you sit with all of this, it can help to slow down and look inward for a bit. Here are a few reflection questions that can help you understand all of it a little bit more clearly. Ask yourself, where does this pattern show up most often in my life? Name the real everyday situations. Listing the specific places where you lose your footing gives you a clear starting point.

From there, take a deep breath and ask, how does my wife experience me in those times? It can be surprising how much changes when you understand what that experience feels like for her. The tone she hears, the absence she feels when you pull back, the tension that enters the room when control takes over.

And then ask, what might these same situations look like if I stayed steady instead of collapsing? Picture the version of you who doesn't swing to either extreme, who leads with clarity, who stays connected even when things get complicated.

Let yourself feel what would be different for both of you if that version became more familiar.

Building a Steadier Pattern Your Wife Can Appreciate

Here's what I think is most important from this episode. When you look at the times where you've tightened up, pulled back, or lost your cool, it's easy to focus on what went wrong. But those experiences can also be invitations.

They show you exactly where steadiness is needed, where presence matters most, and where a small shift can change the feel of your entire home. Leadership in a marriage is shaped in the moments when you choose awareness over habit. Clarity over pressure. Engagement over retreat.

Every time you make that choice, even in a small way, you build a different pattern, a stronger one, a more grounded one. One your wife can appreciate.

If you want support. As you build these new patterns in this kind of leadership, the steady relational kind that changes the way you show up and the way your marriage feels, check out Better Husband Academy. It's where we practice these skills together and turn them into something that truly impacts your marriage. You can learn more at betterhusbandacademy.com or click the link in the show notes.

Thanks for listening. I'm Angelo Santiago. This is Better Husband, and I'll see you on the next one.