Your Situation Is Unique — And the Work Is Still the Same

Why You Think Your Situation Is the Exception

Have you ever listened to an episode of this podcast and thought, man, this is exactly what I need, but I don't think it would work in my marriage. Or maybe it happens when you see a post on social media, watch a YouTube video, or talk to someone you trust a part of you knows the advice you're getting is solid.

You know, it applies to men in marriages just like yours, but within moments you come up with a reason why it doesn't apply to you. You're not the only one who does that. Most men do. You hear something that hits home, something that makes sense, something that feels like the missing piece, and then your mind jumps in with the excuse.

My situation's different. She's not like that. Our dynamic is more complicated. You don't know what we've been through. You convince yourself your situation is too unique, too tangled, too far gone, or too specific for any of this to actually help. That's what I wanna dig into today because I get messages like this all the time.

It doesn't matter if a man emails me, sends me a DM, or fills out a coaching application, eventually the same line shows up. Some version of Angelo, i'm not sure you understand. My situation is different. Sometimes he's living with his wife, but they're barely speaking. Sometimes they're sleeping in separate rooms.

Sometimes one of them has moved out or they're married with toddlers running around, or they've been together 30 years and they're staring at an empty house, or she's asking for space, or she's already talking about separation. They're all different stories. They're all different details, but the same belief, what you're talking about won't work for me.

The thing is, I understand why it feels that way. When your marriage is shaky or distant or tense, it's easy to believe you are the exception. It's easy to believe your story is somehow so different that real change isn't possible. What most men don't realize, not until they hear each other say the same thing, is that the details may be different, but the struggles are incredibly similar.

The patterns that keep them stuck are the same, and the work that helps them move forward is the same too. In this episode, I'm gonna show you why that matters. You'll learn why your situation really is unique and why that uniqueness doesn't prevent your marriage from changing. You'll see the losing strategies men fall into again and again, no matter their age, their stage, or their storyline.

And by the end of this episode, you'll have a clear sense of what your marriage actually needs from you. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

What Happens When Men Finally Hear Each Other

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Over the years I've read hundreds of messages from men. Late at night, early in the morning. In between coaching calls. I'm sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee, opening another email that shares some version of the same concern. Angelo, I don't think you understand. My situation is different. And every time I read it, I feel this mix of compassion and familiarity because I know exactly what's coming next. The backstory, the details, the history, the way he's trying to make sense of it all.

Then the next day, another man writes with the same concern. Completely different marriage. Completely different circumstances. Same belief. The place where this really comes to life isn't in my inbox. It's when I'm on a call with a group of men.

The men start opening up. Something changes in the room. One guy begins to share and maybe about the distance at home, maybe about how every conversation turns tense, maybe about how his wife has pulled back and he feels lost. And while he's talking, I'll see another man in the corner of the screen adjust in his chair. Then someone else nods. And another drops his eyes because he knows exactly what that feels like.

Different stories start unfolding. One man working through years of resentment. Another in the early years already feeling disconnected. Another, trying to reconnect after kids. Another, trying to repair things after a separation. Different ages, different seasons, different circumstances. But once they start sharing, the room gets quiet in a very particular way.

The way it gets when men realize they're not the only ones trying to hold everything together. Some even look surprised, like, wait, you struggle with that too? And that's when things begin to click because they hear their own experience coming out of someone else's mouth.

They realize the details aren't what's been holding them back. It's the patterns underneath the reactivity, the distance, the defensiveness, the shutting down. The moves men across every background fall into, and once a man sees, he's not the exception, something shifts. He stops waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect plan, and he starts doing the work that actually moves the needle.

And that's what we're getting into today.

Yes, Your Situation Is Unique — But…

Before we move into the rest of this episode, I wanna say something clearly. Your situation really is unique, and I mean that because your marriage has its own story. Your wife has her own history, her own hurts, her own needs, her own way of protecting herself when things feel off.

You have your own upbringing, your own patterns, your own way of dealing with stress, and together the two of you have built something that no one else has lived exactly the same way. Maybe you carry years of unspoken resentment. Maybe the distance has been growing quietly for a long time.

Maybe something big happened and you're trying to rebuild trust. Or maybe nothing big happened at all and what scares you is that you just slowly drifted apart. The timing is unique. The circumstances are unique. The things you've tried are unique. Even the way you argue or don't argue comes from the history the two of you carry.

And I wanna honor that because nothing shuts a man down faster than hearing someone say, oh yeah, that happens to everyone. It's no big deal. It is a big deal. It's your life, it's your marriage, it's your family. So when I say your situation is unique, I'm not brushing off the reality of what you're facing.

I'm acknowledging it. I'm respecting it. But here's the part, most men never understand until someone says it out loud. Unique doesn't mean impossible. It doesn't mean unworkable. It doesn't mean you're the one couple that can't move forward. It means there's context, a deep history underneath what you're facing.

And context matters because it shows us what you're carrying, what's gotten tangled, what's been avoided, and what's been learned along the way. Context isn't the whole story because underneath all that uniqueness, most men end up running the same patterns and that's where things start to shift once you can actually see them.

The Universal Patterns: The Losing Strategies

So, yes, your situation is unique. Your story, your history, your dynamic, your timing, none of that is identical to anyone else's, but the patterns underneath your situation are not unique at all.

They're predictable, they're familiar, and they show up in almost every marriage that starts to drift. In Relational Life Therapy we call them the losing strategies, the automatic reactive moves we make when we feel misunderstood, criticized, overwhelmed, or disconnected. And whether a man has been married two years or 25, whether he's in crisis or just quietly unhappy, these strategies show up again and again.

Before I walk you through the losing strategies, I wanna give you a little context. There are five of them, and for some men, one will be the primary way they react when things get hard. For others a second or even a third shows up depending on the moment. And for some men, all five make an appearance depending on the day, the stress or the level of disconnection at home.

That's part of what makes each man's situation feel so personal. The mix looks a little different, but if you're struggling in your marriage right now, I can almost guarantee that one or more of these strategies are showing up for you. They're automatic, they're learned, and most men have been practicing them for years without even realizing it.

And just to be clear, these are how you respond on a bad day in a bad moment. It doesn't mean that you are this specific way a hundred percent of the time. So as I walk through them, be honest with yourself. Ask, which one of these shows up in me the most? Which ones can I recognize in my own reactions and which ones are impacting my marriage more than I realized?

Now that we've laid the groundwork, let me walk you through them, because once you understand these, clearly, everything starts to make a little more sense. The first is the need to be right. The place where the conversation stops being about connection and becomes about winning the argument, proving your point or out logic in your wife.

Then there's controlling, trying to fix, direct manage or steer things so you don't have to feel the discomfort underneath. It's subtle, sometimes even well intentioned, but it always pushes connection away.

Then there's unbridled self-expression. The moments where emotion takes the wheel and everything spills out raw, intense, and unfiltered. When things hit a nerve, the words can come out harder than we intend. It's a common pattern for men who feel cornered or misunderstood.

Then there's retaliation, the jab, the sarcasm, the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the little dig that comes out when you feel hurt or dismissed. This is often referred to as offending from the victim position. They hurt me so I have the right to hurt them.

And finally, there's withdrawal. Pulling back, shutting down, disappearing emotionally, even while you're physically still in the room. For a lot of men, this is the biggest one. When your wife is upset, your instinct is to get quiet, get small, and wait for it to pass.

So here they are again, being right, controlling, unbridled self-expression, retaliation and withdrawal.

If any of these sound familiar. Good. It means you're human. These are the exact strategies men have been using for generations, long before you ever got married. And here's what's wild. It doesn't matter whether a guy is dealing with constant conflict or total silence, the losing strategies show up the same way.

I've done entire episodes on these patterns. I've broken down defensiveness, reactivity shutting down, and the ways men unintentionally make things worse, even when they're trying to fix the problem.

And every time a man hears one of those episodes, I hear the exact same thing: Angelo, this is exactly what I'm doing. Different marriages, different details, same patterns. And once you can see the pattern, once you understand what you're actually doing and why, that's when you have the starting point and for where the work begins.

And that's what we're getting into next. The work that applies in every situation, even yours.

The Work Is the Same — No Matter the Situation

So once you see the patterns, once you can actually recognize the losing strategies in your own marriage, something important becomes clear. It's this realization of, okay, if these patterns show up for everyone, then what do I actually do about it?

And this is where men usually expect a complicated plan. Something customized, something tailored, something specific to their marriage. But here's the actual truth. The work that changes marriages is the same work for every man because the skills that build connection. Don't depend on your situation. They depend on you.

Let me walk you through what I mean. When your wife is upset, overwhelmed, or pulling back, every instinct in your body wants to react, to defend, explain, push back, justify, fix, retreat, or shut down. But the first step in this work is learning how to regulate yourself in that moment. To slow down, to breathe, to stay in your body instead of going into your head.

That skill works whether you've been married for two years or 20, whether you're in the same house or not, whether you're doing okay or barely hanging on. It works everywhere.

The same goes for listening without defending. This is one of the areas where men struggle the most. When your wife is upset. Every part of you wants to explain or justify instead of just listening. But when you can hear your wife without rushing to explain yourself or correct her or fix anything, it rips you out of your standard losing strategy. And again, that skill works in every marriage. It's why I created episode number 37 called The Better Husband's Guide to Listening. Because once a man gets this, the dynamic at home shifts immediately.

Then there's taking ownership. Not collapsing, not blaming yourself for everything. Just clean, steady ownership of your part. The places you've reacted, avoided, or shut down. There's an episode called The First Move every Better Husband Makes: Full ownership. That gets right to the heart of this because leadership in marriage is all about responsibility and integrity.

And of course there's repair. Not the big dramatic apology after blowup, but the small daily repairs that keep the atmosphere between you healthy. That's why I did the episode called Micro Repairs, the small daily habit that will hold your marriage together.

Because when men practice even one small repair consistently, their entire marriage starts to open up again. And all of that, the regulation, the listening, the ownership, the repair, are the same skills I use with men whose marriages are in crisis, men who are in reconnection, men who are in stable seasons, and men who are rebuilding after years of disconnection.

Different circumstances. Same work.

And all those episodes I mentioned in this section are gonna be listed in the show notes. So if you've heard one that matters to you, go and listen to it next.

Here's the part that matters most. Your marriage doesn't change because you understand your situation better.

Your marriage changes because you start showing up differently inside that situation. And that's why the work is the same. Not because your story is the same as anyone else's, but because the skills that create connection don't rely on perfect conditions. They rely on practice. And when you practice, your marriage feels it.

Which leads us to the thing most men don't expect. And honestly. The thing that gives them the most relief.

Why This Should Give You Hope, Not Overwhelm

By now, you're probably starting to see it clearly. Your situation is unique. Your marriage has its own history, its own texture, its own set of twists and turns, and everything you're carrying is real. But what you're not seeing not yet, is just how possible change really is. Because while every man thinks his situation is the exception, I hear it from those same men months later.

Sometimes it's after a coaching call, sometimes it's an email. Sometimes it's the comment on one of these podcast episodes, and the message is always some version of the same thing.

I didn't think anything could change, but it did. Men tell me their wives said things like, I feel calmer around you, or I can actually talk to you now, or, I'm seeing you try in a way I haven't seen before.

They tell me the house feels different. The conversations feel different. The tensions aren't as sharp and the distance isn't as heavy. There's more softness, more room, more breathing space than they thought possible. And the part that always gets me is when they say that they almost didn't start. They almost talked themselves out of it.

They almost told themselves a story that this wouldn't work for them. That their situation was too tangled, too complicated, too far gone, too different, but something inside them said, try anyway. So they did, and they're the ones who now get to experience the marriage they've been wanting for years. Not because I fixed it for them, not because the podcast magically solved anything, but because they showed up differently.

They breathed before reacting. They listened without defending. They repaired sooner. They stayed present in moments that used to send them running. They practiced the skills that felt simple on the surface, but changed everything underneath. And it moved the needle. It moved the marriage. And it moved them.

That's what I want you to hear. The men who get results aren't the men in the perfect circumstances. They're not the men who start from an easier place than you. They're not the men with some special advantage. They're the men who stopped believing they were the exception long enough to take one small action. And that action led to the next and the next and the next.

Your situation is unique, of course it's, but it is not beyond reach. It's not exempt from change and it's not waiting for the perfect conditions before anything can improve. Small, steady shifts in the way you show up. That's the work. And the men who've done that work, the same men who once told me their situation was hopeless, are the ones now telling me how grateful they are that they didn't let that belief stop them.

Your marriage can change, your connection can deepen, your home can feel different. And that possibility is real for you, just like it's been real for them.

Action Steps for This Week

Here's what I want you to do this week. First, name your situation clearly, just one sentence, not the whole story, not every detail from the past 10 years.

Just one honest line about where things stand right now. Imagine you're writing an email to me. What is the title of that email that describes your relationship?

Second, identify the pattern you keep falling into. Look back at the losing strategies we talked about. Pick the one that shows up the most in your marriage.

Being right. Controlling. Unbridled self-expression. Retaliation. Or withdrawal. This is your starting point. You're not stuck here, but now you know where to focus.

Third, choose one relational skill. You want to practice this week's and then go find a better husband episode where I break down that skill. I mentioned several earlier in the episode, and I'll include some of those in the show notes to make it easier for you. Pick the one that fits where you are right now.

And finally, whatever episode you choose, follow the action steps from that episode. Don't just listen for awareness. Put something into practice, even if it's small, especially if it's small.

The men who change their marriages aren't the ones who consume the most information. They're the ones who practice consistently.

Reflection Questions

Before we close, I want you to sit with a few questions this week. These should help you clearly understand where you're at and where you want to be. Ask yourself, what part of my situation feels unique and what part looks like the same pattern I've been hearing about today?

Then ask, which losing strategy do I fall into most often? The one that actually shows up in my home in real moments with my wife.

Finally, which relational skill, if I practice it this week, would make the biggest difference? And why?

Take your time with these and be honest. These are for you and for the marriage you want.

Closing Takeaway: The Way Forward

Here's what I want you to leave with today. Your situation is yours. It has its own story, challenges and struggles, but the way forward isn't hidden or mysterious. It's built on the same steady skills that help every man move his marriage toward connection, trust, and closeness. When you start practicing those skills, even in small ways, things begin to change.

Not overnight, but consistently. And that's what your marriage feels. That's what your wife feels. And that's what you feel. The details are unique, the work is the same, and when you do the work, the work works.

Remember, don't let this be the last episode you listen to. Pick the next one that speaks to where you are right now and put one thing into practice. Awareness alone won't change your marriage. Action will.

And if you need support and accountability while you do this work, that's exactly what we build inside A Better Husband Academy. You can find out more betterhusbandacademy.com. You don't have to figure this out on your own. But keep going, keep practicing, and when you're ready for a deeper level of support, I'm here.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.