The Daily Habits That Saved My Marriage (And Still Keep It Strong Today)

Not a Therapist—Just a Man Who Did the Work

I wanna start off today's episode by letting you know if you don't already, that I'm not a therapist, I'm not an influencer. I'm not reading off a script that some business and marketing professional wrote, and I'm definitely not here to give you a five step formula to fix your wife.

I'm a man who almost lost his marriage and decided to do something about it, I am like you in the sense that I knew I wanted to be a better husband, but I didn't always know how. So I started taking action for small, then bigger, and I failed a lot.

There were nights that felt worse before they got better, and there were moments where I thought, maybe this won't work. But I kept at it. I kept trying. I kept looking for help, books, retreats, mentors, men who were doing this work, and slowly things began to change in me and in my marriage.

There were big moments of facing hard truths about who I'd become. There were painful moments of owning up to how I'd hurt my wife, and there were beautiful moments of where we remembered we actually liked each other, that there was still love underneath all that tension that we actually did want this marriage to work.

I didn't start this journey with training in how to save marriages or repair relationships. I lived it. I've done the damage, and I've done the repair. I've put in the reps and every single day I keep putting them in because this matters to me more than anything.

So in this episode, I wanna give you a closer look at what that actually looks like in my life. Not the story of how things fell apart, but what I do now every day to keep my marriage strong and keep myself grounded. These are the habits that help me be a better husband. And if you're trying to do the same, they might just help you too.

So stay tuned. Let's get into it.

Everything Looked Perfect—Until It Wasn’t

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a mends marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

If you don't know my story, here are the quick notes from the outside. Everything looked like it was going exactly to plan. I was a good kid growing up. I stayed outta trouble mostly. I worked hard in school. I played music. I got good grades. I went to a great college at Johns Hopkins University where I met my wife, and later I went to graduate school at Stanford University and got a master's degree.

I moved to San Francisco where I started working and I volunteered my time at a nonprofit helping homeless youth. And eventually I followed a dream I'd been carrying for a few years of truly being of service and I became a firefighter. I trained hard. I put in the work. I made a huge transition in my life and career, and at the same time my wife and I finally got married.

I. After several years, I promoted to captain. We bought a house. We had our first kid, and if you were watching our life from a distance, it looked like everything was unfolding just the way we had hoped, just the way anyone would've wanted.

The Turning Point: Realizing Something Had to Change

But underneath all of that things were not as good as they seemed

behind closed doors when nobody was looking. My wife and I were disconnected. We weren't always in conflict. There were definitely good times, but when things were not going well, we distanced.

Occasionally we would fight, but most of the time we would hide from each other. I would hide in work, in addictions and physically in separate rooms. There was stress I didn't know how to talk about or who to talk to about it. There were resentments building up. There were days where I felt like I was actually trying to be better and still somehow failing.

And there were days she felt like I wasn't really there at all because honestly, I wasn't. I didn't know how to ask for what I needed. I didn't know how to repair when we drifted apart. I didn't know how to lead in our marriage without controlling or disappearing.

And instead of facing that, I poured myself into the things I was good at work, achievement, solving other people's problems, but not ours. We kept going. Same schedule, same house, same rhythms, but the love that brought us together back in 2003 in college.

And that guided us as we traveled. The world lived through our twenties, made friends, created memories, was just no longer there. And it wasn't until we hit a moment of real crisis, a moment where we were both asking if this was even going to work, that I finally realized something had to change. And not just in the marriage, in me.

That was the moment everything began.

Taking Action: Getting Honest, Asking for Help, and Starting Over

Now, I didn't fix this on my own, and if I'm being honest, that was one of the hardest parts to accept because I'm the kind of guy who prides himself on figuring things out.

I was used to carrying the weight and I didn't wanna be the guy who needed help in his marriage, but at some point I knew I couldn't keep doing it the way I was doing it. So I reached out. I went to a men's retreat just to see what would happen. I started opening up to mentors. I started asking questions I didn't even know how to ask before, and most importantly, I started telling the truth about how I was showing up, about what I'd learned about being a man and what I needed to unlearn.

It was uncomfortable. It was humbling, and it was the beginning of everything because the more honest I got, the more I could actually change. I started seeing my patterns more clearly. I started understanding my reactions. I started learning how to take responsibility without crumbling, under shame or getting defensive.

And little by little I started to show up differently. I wasn't just changing how I was showing up in my marriage. I was changing how I was showing up in my life, and not just in the big ways, but in the small everyday moments that actually matter. And that changed everything.

My Daily Habits: How I Stay Grounded and Present

In this next part of the episode, I wanna break down the actual habits that have helped me become a better husband. This is what a lot of guys come looking for, real life, practical stuff. What do I actually do on a daily basis to say grounded, present, and connected, not just with my wife, but with myself.

So that's what I'm going to give you.

I am gonna break down my daily habits into two parts. First, I'll talk about my personal habits, the things I do for me, because if I'm not grounded, if I'm not in alignment with myself, then it doesn't matter if I have all the relational tools in the world. When I'm in reactive mode, I won't use them.

Then I'll talk about the relational habits, the things I do consistently with my wife that help us stay connected and on the same page. But first, let me say this about personal habits. They've changed a lot for me over the years. There were times where I was doing mirror affirmations in the morning seasons where I woke up before sunrise to walk in silence.

I've done meditation, journaling, singing, reading books, doing breath work and pushups before the day even started. And honestly, all of it helped in some way. So if you're listening to this and don't know where to begin, you can start by copying exactly what I'm doing right now, use it, try it. And then as you learn more about yourself, let those habits evolve.

That's how I did it. I did what other men taught me, then I paid attention to what worked, what didn't, and shaped it to fit my life. So here's what my daily practice looks like right now. The first thing I do is start the day slowly before I touch my phone, before I look at a screen, I slow myself down.

Sometimes it's as simple as one deep breath or one gratitude or one minute of silence. But I give myself space to come into the day with intention instead of reaction. Then I move my body every morning.

Most days I spend 30 minutes walking on the treadmill. Something my wife and I bought recently, before we had it, I walked outside around our neighborhood. I put on layers if it was cold, I bought a flashing vest light so I wouldn't get hit by a car and I just walked. The point for me is to wake up my body slowly and to clear my head.

When I don't do these things, then my day can easily start with stress and frustration, and often I end up being short or reactive with the people I care about. Most movement is how I clear that. Now I know it's not for everyone, but I've also started incorporating a cold plunge into my mornings to zap me awake and clear my mind.

I love it. And I kind of also hate it, but I think that's the point every morning. I also listen to a 15 minute meditation sometimes while I walk on the treadmill and sometimes while sitting down. These little things make a huge difference for me in how I receive my wife and son as they wake up and start their day.

Now for me, nutrition and sleep matter a lot too. I know that might sound basic, but when I'm eating like crap or staying up too late, I don't feel good. I'm short. With my wife, I don't listen as well. I lose my patience with my son. So part of my integrity as a husband is taking care of my body. I. I go to the gym at least four times a week, not just to look a certain way, but to feel healthy, focus on discipline, and have the physical energy to be present for my family.

Why I Got Off Social Media—and What It Taught Me

And I've made the decision to stay off social media. I'm not on Instagram, I'm not on TikTok. I don't even have those apps on my phone. I. I've seen firsthand how those platforms pull me away from presence, away from the real life that actually matters. I'm not saying everyone needs to quit, but I made that choice because I care more about being present in my actual marriage than I do about building a curated image online.

I.

And I learned that the hard way because I did spend the first half of last year trying to build that image and it almost broke me down.

It also almost took our marriage back to some of the worst times ever, and that's when I made the decision. It's over.

Finally, I do a little bit of reflection every day. Some days it's just one question, what am I grateful for today? Or How do I wanna show up today? Or, what support do I need today? Other days it's more, but the point is to anchor myself before I go out into the world to remind myself who I'm trying to be and what matters most.

That's my personal rhythm right now. And like I said, it changes, but I always come back to the same question, is what I'm doing helping me become the husband, father, and man, I actually want to be.

Relational Habits That Keep Us Connected

Now let's talk about relational habits. The things I do with my wife, and again, these have also changed a lot depending on what season we're in. The things I did when we were barely keeping it together, those were survival habits. I was focused on staying calm, taking ownership, repairing when things went sideways.

I was doing the work just to help us stay connected long enough to even have a real conversation. Now that we're in a more connected, stable, loving place, my habits are different. But both seasons matter and wherever you're at, there's something here you can start doing today. One of the things I do now is check in with my wife every single day.

Sometimes it's a simple question of how are we doing? Or is there anything you wanna check in about? Other times is just being present enough to notice her energy, to ask a follow-up question, to pause and listen instead of rushing past each other. It doesn't have to be formal, but it does have to be intentional.

I also try to name any tension early. If something feels off, I try not to let it simmer and like you, sometimes I don't do it immediately, but my intention is always to make sure it gets discussed. I'll say, Hey, I feel like we're a little disconnected today. Can we talk about it? It's a way to bring presence into the relationship before things boil over, or we pretend like everything is fine.

That's taken practice. It didn't come naturally, but it's made a big difference. Another habit is repair. If we get into something, an argument, a disconnect, even just a weird interaction, I try to repair it quickly. Again, I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I want it to just go away.

Sometimes I don't lead in the repair process. Sometimes it's my wife who is more grounded on a certain day and she can bring us back together. But our goal is for one of us to say something like that didn't feel great. I want to clear that up. We don't wait days anymore to repair. That alone has helped our marriage improve.

We also make a point to express appreciation out loud. I'll say, Hey, I noticed how you handled that with our son earlier. That was really good. Or thanks for thinking about me and sending me that message earlier. I really loved it.

These things are small, but they stack, they build emotional credit in the relationship. They remind us that we still love each other, not just tolerate each other. I also make sure to let her know that I think she's beautiful and funny and loving, and that she matters to me, that she's an amazing woman, that she's smart, and that I can't imagine not doing life with her.

All of it matters, and I want her to know it because it's true. And finally, I try to regularly revisit where we're going, what we're building. I ask myself, are we aligned emotionally, spiritually, practically? Are we headed in the same direction?

Are we checking in often or are we slowly drifting apart? That awareness helps me course correct before it becomes a crisis. Those are the habits and they've helped keep me connected to my wife even through hard seasons. They've helped me stay steady in my own life, even when things around me feel chaotic.

You don't have to do them all, but do something. Start somewhere. Start with the smallest version, and let it naturally grow and evolve.

This Work Is Ongoing—And You’re Not Alone

The reason I started helping other men wasn't because I figured it all out. It's because I saw what's possible when you stop trying to do this alone. The men I work with aren't perfect and neither am I.

We're not here posting highlight reels. We're real men owning our stuff, doing the work. I'm not here to show off a perfect marriage. I'm here to show up for mine and to help you show up for yours. I know I sound like a broken record saying this, but it's important to me. If you're listening to this, you're not alone.

There are men all over the world doing this work right alongside you. Some are just starting. Some are rebuilding, some are thriving. We do this better when we do it together. This is the work of becoming, not just being a better husband. If you're looking for more support from me, check out better husband academy.com.

It's where I put together everything I know to help you become a better husband in an organized self-paced course along with group coaching twice a month. Join me in other men in the academy and let's keep going together. So here's your challenge this week. First, choose one personal habit that helps you stay grounded and aligned.

Second, choose one relational habit, something small daily that strengthens connection with your wife. Write them down, do them every day this week. And if you want support, reach out. Let me know what you're working on 'cause I'm walking this path too and I'd love to walk it with you. Thanks for listening to Better Husband.

I'm Angelo Santiago and I'll see you on the next one.