103|3 Ways to Love Your Wife When She Feels Distant

[00:00:00] Small Choices Change How Your Marriage Feels

Some of my favorite moments with my wife right now don't look like much. On some nights after our son's gone to bed, Julie and I just sit on the couch without our phones a little closer than we normally would.

Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't talk much at all, and we just relax. Or sometimes it's the middle of the day, and we just take a break from working just to connect. A hug, maybe one of us shares something we appreciate about the other one. Sometimes it's a walk, holding hands, and that's it. Nothing has to come after that.

It's easy to think that the things that keep a marriage together are the big ones, the weekend away, the long, serious talk where you finally sort everything out, the apology that fixes something. And don't get me wrong, those things have their place, but when I look at what actually brings Julie and I closer together, most of it happens on regular days.

It comes down to a lot of small choices to move towards her. Plenty of them on days I don't feel like it, and plenty of them on days I honestly don't think it would matter if I chose not to do them. But it does matter. Those small moves decide a lot about how it feels to be around each other, whether she relaxes when you walk into the room or gets a little guarded, whether being married to you feels like being enjoyed or like being tolerated.

And there are countless of opportunities to make those choices. So in this episode, I'm going to give you three of them, three small moves you can use in your marriage. And yes, only three, and that's on purpose. I could honestly give you a list of 30, but most of us would listen to a long list like that and not do any of it because 30 is too many to remember.

Three is few enough that you can look at your own marriage and pick a place to start. Now, these three are going to be simple. Honestly, stupidly simple. They're easy to remember, and they're easy to do. But if they're completely new in your marriage, they might take some practice and some getting used to for both of you.

By the end of this episode, you're going to know three small ways to move toward your wife, what each one looks like in a real marriage, and which one you're going to start with this week. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

[00:02:07] Pick the One Your Marriage Needs Most

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question: how can I be a better husband?

I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now, I said that these three moves are simple. They're easy to remember, and they're things you can start doing this week.

And if they're new, they might be a little challenging at first. So listen to this episode with the idea that you're going to take action on it, not just hear it. And if you're listening and wondering exactly how to take that action, when to do it, what to do if it doesn't go as planned, then I want you to join me and the other men doing exactly that work inside A Better Husband Academy.

If you want that level of support, including an online community and weekly live group calls, come join me in Better Husband Academy so you can start making these changes in your marriage right now. You can join at betterhusbandacademy.com or click the link in the show notes. So let's get going.

This is usually the point in the podcast where I tell you one long story about my marriage or something I've been working on with a client, and this time I'm going to tell you three shorter ones, three different ways I've worked on in my marriage and three ways I've changed as a man and as a husband.

Now, each of these is its own thing, and each one is a different way to move toward your wife. Your marriage might need one of them more than the other two. It might need all three, and then you've got to decide where to even begin. If it feels like a lot, that's okay. I don't wanna overwhelm you. I want to give you options.

As you listen, just notice which one you keep thinking about or which one makes you a little uncomfortable. That's usually a good place for you to start. And for each one, I'll tell you what it looked like in my own marriage, what I learned from it, and what it can look like for you.

So

[00:03:49] Different From You Doesn't Mean She's Wrong

Number one, accepting and appreciating her quirks. Now, let me tell you one way this showed up in my marriage. Julie and I cook very differently.

I'm slow and methodical. I like to set everything up before I start. I can spend hours in the kitchen just relaxing and cooking. That's how I like to do it. Julie, in my eyes, is like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes in the kitchen, and I say that with a lot of love, but everything is fast and frantic and high heat.

Pans are flying everywhere. It's wild, and for the longest time, that drove me nuts.

I'd stand over her while she was cooking, saying things like, "You shouldn't do it this way," or, "Why are you cooking it like that? Why are you cutting like this?" And thinking about that now, I can only imagine how annoying I must have been to her, and it wasn't only the cooking.

I can now see so many ways her little quirks and her ways of doing things, all the little things she did differently than me annoyed me, and I also see how I would react to them and how I created so much distance between us. She would get annoyed that I was getting annoyed, and we'd just go around like that over and over.

But at some point though, as I worked on myself as a man and as a husband, I came to see two options. I could keep getting annoyed at all the little things, keep doing what I was doing, and expect that my attitude and my complaints would be enough to get her to change and do everything the way I wanted, or I could be the one who changed.

I could be the one who looked at my part in what was going on between us. I could be the one who led us back together instead of driving us apart by how I chose to show up in the marriage,

that's the mindset of what I call relational leadership, and it's something I go much deeper into in Better Husband Academy. So now, when she cooks, I give her space to do it her way. I may still notice it's not how I'd do it, but I'm not standing over her making her wrong for it anymore. I'm not sitting across the room watching and judging her either.

I don't think she's doing it wrong and I'm doing it right. She's doing it her way. And honestly, it brings a smile to my face. So if you're the guy standing over your wife in the kitchen right now, I get it. I was that guy, and it's very likely it seems reasonable in your head. You're thinking, "I'm just trying to help.

It'd go faster if she did it this way.

Why would anyone do it like that?" But what she probably feels from those comments is that she can't even cook dinner without being corrected. And after enough of those moments, she may start to feel like she can't just be herself around you.

Think about your friends for a second. You probably have a friend who does things in a weird way, the way he plans a trip, the way he tells a story, the way he drives. You could try to correct him every time, be right, and get him to do it your way, or you could accept that he's going to do it his way and you stay his friend anyway.

With friends, most of us pick the second one without ever thinking about it, and it's the same with your kids. Yes, you get to teach them and guide them. That's part of being their dad. But at some point, you realize they're still their own people, and they're going to move through the world differently than you do.

You don't stop loving them because of it. So how do you love them as they are? Your wife is the same. She's going to have her own quirks, and some of them won't make any sense to you, and that's okay. That's part of being married to another person. You can see it clearly, you know you would do it differently, and you let her be her.

So the next time one of her quirks gets to you and you feel that little jolt of, "Why would she do it like that?" stop and ask yourself one thing. Is this actually a problem, or is it just not how I would do it? Most of the time, it's just not how you would do it. Dinner still gets made. Whatever it was still gets done.

You can't make her change the way she does things, but you can decide how you respond when she does them. And here's the thing. This actually goes both ways.

I get to accept and enjoy all her little quirks, and she gets to accept and enjoy all of mine, because I have them too. If I think the way that I do things is just the right way, and none of it is a quirk of mine, then I'm seeing myself in a better-than position.

In relational life therapy, we call that grandiosity. It sounds like I'm right and everybody else is wrong. And instead, I had to start seeing the ways I'm different from her, not better than, and how some of those differences might be challenging for her. Here's an example. Julie likes to think out loud.

She processes things by talking them through, sometimes to herself while we're in the same room, and sometimes with me. She also wants to know more about what's going on inside my head. Me, I like to reflect quietly. I need some space and silence to sit with a decision before I talk about it. That was hard for her to understand and accept, but over time, she came to accept that as a quirk of mine, the same way that I had to accept hers.

To her, my internal way of thinking and processing was just as uncomfortable to be around as her style of cooking was for me. So now we make a choice to be there for each other in the way each of us needs. She gives me space when I need it, and when she wants me to share more, I share more. When she's thinking out loud, I'm there to listen, knowing she's just processing.

And the truth is that we don't do it perfectly, but we understand each other better now and what w- each of us needs, and do our best to just love and accept each other just as we are. Today, I watch Julie do some of these things, and honestly, it brings a smile to my face. I can say in my head, "That makes no sense to me, and I love it.

I love her."

[00:09:08] Find Something to Share Besides TV and Phones

Number two is finding things you both like to do together. Now, think back to when your marriage was at its best, maybe when you first fell in love or a time when things were playful and easy. You explored together. You went places together. You talked for hours, and you didn't want to spend any time apart.

What were the two of you doing back then? For a lot of couples, if you look at what they do together today, it's watching TV or sitting in the same room on their phones. Listen, a show together at the end of a long day can be nice, but if that's most of what you share, the two of you can live in the same house and still feel pretty far apart.

What Julie and I share has changed a lot over the years, and I think that's important to understand. Back when our marriage was really broken, when Julie was really hurting and we were trying to repair, one of the things we found common ground on was a daily reader. We'd read it together, and then we'd sit with the question that came up from it and share what each of us got out of it.

That was our time together back then. Later, when things got lighter and more playful, we found two-player board games we really enjoyed. Specifically, we looked for ones where the two of us played as a team. It wasn't one of us trying to beat the other. We were trying to win together, and that was really fun.

Now, there was a stretch of time where we went on long walks together, that we didn't have to talk about anything. We were just close to each other, and right now, our faith is really important part of our life as a family, in our marriage, and for each of us on our own. We find a lot of connection in talking about what God is calling us toward each day and where each of us is being challenged.

Now, none of those was the one right answer. Each one fit where we were at the time, and what we share has kept changing as we've changed. So how do you find these for your own marriage? Well, one way to do it, like I said a minute ago, is to start by looking back. What were you doing when things were good?

Some of those things you might be able to bring back because if you stopped doing them at some point, maybe for a good reason, maybe for no reason at all, bring one back and see what happens. Know that it might look a little different now because you're both different people than you were then.

Sometimes you'll have to try something new; games, hiking, camping, a nice dinner out, dancing, live music, a comedy show. I don't know. The list can go on and on. Maybe it's something that you never would have done five years ago, and that's okay. Not all of it will stick, and that's part of figuring out what you both like.

And sometimes you just have to ask her, "What's something you'd like us to do together?" And then listen to the answer. If she says she doesn't know, that's okay, too. Throw out a couple of ideas and see what she lights up about. You're not trying to get it right the first time. You're trying to find out what she enjoys and what the two of you enjoy together.

And here's where a lot of us get stuck. She might suggest something she wants to do, and your first reaction might be no, because it's not your thing. In your head, you're already thinking, "I'll go, but I'm not going to like it." So you go, and then you sit there half checked out. And there's a good chance she can feel it.

You were there, but you weren't much fun to be around. And if that's how you show up, it makes sense down the road that she's not gonna be as interested in doing things with you. What would it look like to give it a real shot instead? To go in trying your best to enjoy it, to have fun with it, to actually be there with her.

And if it's honestly something you don't personally enjoy, can you enjoy seeing her light up from it? Seeing her enjoy it, seeing her love it. Giving it a real shot can be as simple as asking her what she likes about it and letting yourself be curious about the answer.

This is what it means to not look to your own interests, but to the interests of others.

You're not looking for the one perfect hobby. You're looking for a few things the two of you like doing together so that when you notice it's been nothing but TV and phones for a while, you have something you can go back to.

[00:12:52] Touch Her Without Expecting Anything Back

Now, number three is physical touch with no agenda, and let me explain what this means. For me, this is the small stuff. A hug, a massage, touching her hair, holding her hand. Short little moments of tenderness where I'm not wanting anything from it. I just want her to feel love. And if you're not picking up what I'm putting down, what I'm saying is that when I'm tender with her, when I'm physically connecting with her, it's not because the only thing I want from it is sex.

So what I want you to ask yourself is this. When you come close to your wife, when you start any kind of physical connection with her, why are you doing it? What's your intention behind it? Is it emotional? Is it physical? Is it sexual? You really have to be honest about this. If the honest answer is that a lot of the time it's because you want sex, you're not the only man listening who'd say that.

Start paying attention to it this week, and notice how often your touch comes with something you're hoping for on the other end. This isn't about never wanting to be sexually intimate with your wife. Wanting that is good.

Wanting her is good. The question is whether the only time you touch her has to be on the way to something more. Because even though we think we're being slick, and we think we're exuding this romantic version of ourselves, she can tell what we really want. And if for a lot of your marriage, the only time you reached for her was on the way to something more, she's probably noticed.

So it makes sense that if she's learned to brace a little bit when you come close. In the back of her mind, there might be this question, "Is this a hug, or is this the start of something he wants?" She's going off what's usually happened before. That's why the small touch matters so much, a hug when she walks in the door, and you let go when she's ready.

A gentle touch on her back as you walk past her. Holding her hand on the couch, and that's the whole thing. Every time it doesn't have to lead anywhere, she learns a little more that your touch can just mean you love her. None of it takes much time. What matters is that she doesn't have to give you anything back for it.

She can if she wants, but that's not the expectation going into it. That's a real change. And it might feel strange at first for both of you. If she's guarded because this is new for both of you, start by asking, "Can I hold your hand? Would you like a hug?" Now, asking might feel awkward. You might be thinking, "What if she says no?"

Or you might be thinking, "This is ridiculous. I have to ask to touch my own wife?" And yeah, I understand those thoughts, but some marriages absolutely have gotten to the point where she might not feel physically safe with you touching her body. And if that's where you are, your job isn't to blame her as if she's the one doing something wrong.

Your job is to look at what led to her feeling this unsafe and what it's going to take to make it right. That might be the path you need to walk to do any sort of repair in your marriage. Asking her tells her that she gets a say. If she says no, you respect it, and realize it might take some time before she trusts that you're coming close because you love her and not because you want more.

Now, let it take that time. Don't keep score because love does not keep records of wrong. And if somewhere along the way a hug does turn into something more, and she wants that, too, let yourself be surprised by it. Be grateful for it. Appreciate her for it. And pay attention to her and what she wants. Over time, that can change what sex, touch, and connection mean for both of you.

And if nothing comes after the hug, that's fine, too. You gave it to her because you love her, and that's the whole point.

[00:16:21] Awareness, Action, Accountability

So if you're still listening and one of these three made you think about your own marriage, or made you a little uncomfortable, or made you remember something the two of you used to do, let's not leave it as a good idea.

Let's turn one of them into something you can actually do this week. Here's your awareness question, action steps, and accountability for this week. Now, for awareness, to get clear on where to start, answer this one question, and my preference is to write the answer down. Of these three, accepting and appreciating her quirks, finding things you both like to do together, or physical touch with no agenda, which one has been missing the most in your marriage?

If that's hard to answer, think back over this last week. When did you correct her or roll your eyes at something she did? When did the two of you do something together besides TV and phones? And when did you touch her with only the intention for her to feel that you love her and nothing more? Whichever one was the hardest to come up with an answer for is probably your answer.

Now, here are the action steps I want you to actually take this week. Action step one, write down the one way you picked and commit to one moment this week where you're going to practice it. Put a reminder in your phone, on your calendar, on a sticky note. I don't care where, but stop just thinking about it and make it real.

Now, action step two is going to give you more clarity, and it depends on which one you picked.

If you picked accepting and appreciating her quirks, pick one thing your wife does differently than you that you usually correct, comment on, or quietly judge. The next time it happens, let her do it her way.

Don't say anything, and don't sit there judging her for it either. Notice what goes on in your head while you let it go.

If you picked finding things you both like to do together, this week either bring back one thing the two of you used to enjoy doing together or ask her, "What's something you'd like us to do together?"

If she suggests something and your first answer in your head is no, say yes anyway and give it a real shot. Go in trying to enjoy it with her, or at least enjoy seeing her enjoy it instead of putting up with it.

Now, if you picked physical touch with no agenda, one day this week or more, come close to your wife in a small way,

a hug, holding her hand, or just a gentle touch on her back. Before you do, decide that this one is just so she knows you love her and that you're not hoping it leads anywhere. If she's guarded, ask first, "Can I hold your hand?" If she says no, respect it. Then take some time to reflect on what got the two of you to this point and what it's going to take for her to feel safe with you again.

That might be the path you need to walk first. And if intimacy does come from it, be surprised by it, be grateful for it, and focus on her.

Now, action step number three. At the end of the week, sit down and answer two questions. What did you notice in yourself while you were doing this? And what happened between the two of you?

Then do it all again next week. This is all about consistency. Don't jump to a different one just because the first week felt awkward or didn't go how you hoped,

and don't stop doing one if it went well. Keep going.

Now for accountability, ask yourself this. Do you want to be around other men who are going to support you, remind you, and hold you accountable while you work on this, or are you going to keep trying to do it alone?

Listening to this episode is the easy part. Picking one way is the easy part. Still doing it a few weeks from now when nobody's watching is where most of us need the support, and it's more than accountability. Do you want to learn more ways to connect with your wife? Do you want more guidance and structure on your path to becoming a better man and a better husband with me in your corner?

That's what Better Husband Academy is. It's men coming together on live calls with me. They ask questions. They make commitments. They work on their marriage, and they come back to talk about how it's going. This podcast is only the beginning. You're not meant to do this alone. If you need a push, if you need a hand, or if you have a question, I'm here.

That's what happens inside Better Husband Academy. If you want real change in your marriage, this is your next step. Go to betterhusbandacademy.com or click the link in the show notes and come join us.

[00:20:32] Closing Takeaway

Here's what I want you to take away from this episode. Picture a few months from now. Nothing special is happening.

She's cooking her way, fast and frantic, and you're smiling at it instead of correcting her. Or the two of you are out on a walk or playing a game where you're on the same team, or you walk past her and put your hand on her back, and that's the whole thing. She doesn't have to wonder what it's for. None of that is a big moment.

It's just how you've decided to be with her. The goal isn't to do all three of these or to learn 30 more things to do or to do all of them at once. The goal is being intentional on how you want to show up for your wife every day, how you want to love her, and actually becoming the kind of husband you want to be and the kind of man you want to be because love is not just about words or speech, but actions and truth.

These three are a place to start, and the one you picked this week is enough.

Thank you for being willing to look honestly at how the small choices you make or don't make with your wife affect your marriage. Pick your one, and if you're ready for more, come join me in Better Husband Academy. You're listening to Better Husband.

I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.