082|How to Say Yes to Your Wife — And Actually Mean It

[00:00:00] When Your Answer Is Always No

When I think back to the years of my marriage where things were really bad, I mean really bad, one thing that stands out to me is that I can't count the number of times my wife would come to me with an idea, an invitation, something she wanted to do, something she wanted us to do together, something she wanted me to be a part of, and my answer was almost always the same.

"No. I don't wanna do that. I don't think that's going to be fun. I don't think it's a good idea. Here's a better way to do it." It didn't really matter what she brought me, whether it was a weekend trip, cooking a specific meal for dinner, going to a friend's house, buying a piece of artwork , getting a pet, summer plans, Christmas plans, traveling to see her family, inviting people over.

The list can go on and on and on, and whatever was on that list, whatever she was excited about, whatever she was reaching for, my response was no. I held onto control like it was my job. I wanted things done my way, on my terms, on my timeline.

But here's what made it even worse. Every once in a while, I would say yes, but it wasn't a real yes, and I have no doubt that my wife could tell.

It was the kind of yes where I felt like I had to say it, where the tension in the marriage had built up so much that saying no again felt like it would break something. So I'd say yes, like a peace offering, but everything in me, my body, my energy, my attitude, was still a no.

We'd go do whatever she'd plan, and it would be terrible, and not because the plan was terrible, but because I was terrible. I was the Grinch, the one ruining it. I'd bring my walls, my hardened heart, my resentments, my annoyances, my frustrations, and I'd pour all of it over whatever I just said yes to. And my wife couldn't enjoy what she'd been excited about because I made sure of that.

I could see it on her face, the way her energy would drop the moment she realized I wasn't really there. She'd stop talking about whatever she'd been excited about. She'd go quiet. And the worst part was I knew. I could feel what I was doing to the moment. And saying that now out loud, it stings. I mean, acknowledging who I was, how I was, what I did to those moments, it sucks. It's one of the many things I look back on and shake my head at myself for.

But I don't let that stop me from doing something different now. I don't let the way I was bleed into the way that I am. And if you're feeling that right now, the weight of all the ways you fell short, take a deep breath. Stay with me. Keep your eyes on the work you're doing.

Because looking back now, understanding what was really happening, not just in me, but in my marriage, the damage from that pattern is clear. Not just from the nos, but from the poisoned yeses, too. So what did I have to do? I had to learn to say yes to her, to all the things she wanted for me and for us the right way.

Now, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you might be thinking, uh, "Angelo, didn't you just do an episode where you told me to stop saying yes to everything my wife asks?" Yeah, I did, episode number 76. And I know what I'm saying right now sounds like a complete contradiction, but it's not, and I'm going to show you exactly why.

In this episode, I'm going to break down the difference between episode 76 and what I'm teaching you today. I'm going to walk you through why men default to no, what happens when your yes carries bad energy, and what it actually looks like to say yes and mean it.

By the end of this episode, you're going to understand the difference between saying yes to everything, which I still don't want you to do, and saying yes to the things that actually matter. The small moments your wife brings to you, the ones you've been brushing off, you're going to know how to say yes to those and mean it.

Not out of guilt, not to keep the peace, but because you finally understand what those moments are. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

[00:03:45] From All No to All Yes

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question: how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

So let me take this a layer deeper. I told you I spent years saying no to almost everything my wife brought me, and when I finally started doing this work, when I started looking at myself and what I was doing to my marriage, I swung to the complete opposite extreme. I went from saying no to everything to saying yes to everything, and that caused a whole different set of problems.

I was over-committing, saying yes to plans I couldn't keep, taking on things I didn't have the capacity for, telling her what she wanted to hear instead of telling her what was true, and then failing because I'd stacked up more than I could carry.

I was saying yes to trips, events, projects around the house, plans with our families all at once, trying to make up for the years of no by throwing yeses at everything in front of me, and I couldn't keep up.

I'd forget about what I'd committed to. I'd get short with her because I was running on empty, and my wife, she was more confused than anything because I was finally saying yes, but the follow-through kept falling apart. She could see I was trying, but trying to say yes to everything wasn't what she needed.

She needed my yes to actually mean something when I said it. That's actually what episode 76, the one titled Stop Saying Yes to Everything She Asks, was all about. I lived that too. The man who says yes to keep the peace, yes to avoid the conversation, yes because he thinks that's what a good husband does, and then drops the ball because he never had the bandwidth to carry it in the first place.

So now you've got both sides of my story. I was the man who said no to everything, and then I was the man who said yes to everything. And I'm telling you, neither one worked. Both of them cost my marriage just in different ways.

There's a verse in the Bible, Matthew 5:37, that says, "But let your yes means yes and your no mean no." And I used to read that and think it was just about honesty. Don't lie. Say what you mean. And it is about that, but when I started applying it to my marriage, really sitting with it, I realized it goes deeper.

It's about integrity in how you show up. When you say yes, mean it all the way through, not just with your mouth, but with your body, your presence, your energy. And when you say no, let it be grounded, not reactive, not controlling, not resentful, just honest.

The problem most of us run into isn't that we don't know what yes and no mean. It's that we're living in the extremes, all no or all yes, and both of those places cost your marriage. Now, I want to be straight with you.

This is nuanced. I'm not going to pretend it's simple. I'm trying to explain to the best I can how to say yes when you've been saying no too much and how to say no when you've been saying yes too much. I get that it sounds confusing, but it's something you have to be willing to look at and acknowledge because how you're handling this right now is affecting your marriage, whether you see it or not.

Your wife can feel the difference. She knows when your yes is real, when it's forced, or when you're not saying yes at all. She's living with all three of those, and this episode is about making sure the real one wins more often.

What I'm going to walk you through in the rest of this episode is what I learned in between those two extremes, the center, where your yes actually means something and where your no doesn't come from a place that hurts the person you love.

[00:07:08] Why Men Default to No

So why do men say no? I've already told you about my pattern, control, but that's not the only reason. And when I started coaching men and having these conversations, I found it usually comes down to one of three things.

The first one is busyness, and I get it. You've got a full plate, work, kids, responsibilities. There's always something pulling at you. But when your wife asks you to go for a walk after dinner or sit with her on the back deck for a few minutes, and your answer is, "I can't, I've got too much to do," I want you to think about that for a second.

Because the question isn't whether you're busy. You are. We all are. The question is, what are you choosing to say yes to instead? What's getting your time? Because whatever that is, it's what you're prioritizing over her. And from her side, that's exactly how it feels. She's watching you find time for everything except the things she's asking for.

You've got time for your phone. You've got time for the game. You've got time for the garage, the project, the errand that could have waited until tomorrow. And she's not looking at a man who's drowning in responsibility. She's looking at a man who has time, just not for her. And that might not be what you mean, but it's what she's living with.

And the second one is control, and this was mine. I didn't just say no because I was busy. I said no because I wanted to be the one making the decisions. I didn't like her plans. I didn't want to do the things she found fun because they weren't fun for me. I wanted things done my way, and I dressed it up like preference.

I just don't enjoy that. But it wasn't just preference. It was control. I needed the plans, the weekends, the vacations, the social calendar to look the way I wanted them to look, and anything she brought that didn't fit that picture got a no.

And I wanna be honest with you, this isn't something that just switched off for me. This is deep-seated. It goes back to my upbringing, to how I learned to move through the world, and I still stumble on this one. I'm sharing this with you as a man who's still in it, not a man who figured it out and moved on.

If that's you, too, I want you to be honest with yourself about what you're actually protecting because it's not your time or your comfort, it's your grip on how things go, and that grip is taking more from your marriage than you realize.

And then the third one is resentment, scorekeeping. This is the man who's thinking, "She never wants to do the things I wanna do, so why should I say yes to what she wants?" And on the surface, that might feel fair, but what it actually is is a wall.

You're keeping score, and as long as you're keeping score, nobody wins because now you're both saying no, and neither one of you is reaching for the other anymore.

Somebody has to go first. Somebody has to put down the scoreboard and say, "I'm going to stop tracking who went last and build something different," and that gets to be you. Not because you always have to go first, but because you're the one listening to this episode. You're the one doing this work, and if you wait for her to go first, you might be waiting a long time while the distance keeps growing.

Three different reasons, but they all lead to the same place. You stop reaching for her, time together becomes something neither of you looks forward to, and that's where the real damage starts

[00:10:12] The Yes That Still Feels Like a No

Now, if you're listening to this and you see yourself in one of those three reasons, maybe you already knew why you were saying no. But what about the times you actually say yes? Because this is where it gets harder to see. I talked about this in my own story earlier, the yes that isn't really a yes.

The one where your mouth says the words, but everything about you is telling a different story. Your body language, your energy, your patience. And I wanna break down what that actually looks like because a lot of men are doing this and don't realize how much damage it's causing. Your wife asks you if you wanna go to her parents' house this weekend, and you say yes, but you sigh before you answer.

You check out on the drive. You sit on the couch with your phone the whole time. You're physically there, but she can feel that you don't want to be. Or she asks you to watch something with her. You say, "Fine." You sit down, but you're scrolling on your phone. You're making comments about how slow it is or how not funny it is.

You're doing that thing where you're technically in the room, but you might as well not be. That's a bad energy yes. And from her side, it's often worse than a no. Think about that. She asked you for something. You gave it to her, and she still felt alone. She still felt like she was dragging you into it.

She still felt like her excitement, her idea, her invitation wasn't worth your real presence. Now, she's less likely to ask next time. You didn't say no, and she still walked away feeling like reaching for you wasn't worth it. That's the part most men miss. You think you're doing the right thing by saying yes.

You think you're showing up. But if your yes comes with resentment, with sighs, with that let's just get this over with energy, you're not showing up. You're punishing her for asking. And here's what makes it so hard to see. In your head, you showed up. You said yes.

You went. You were there. But the test isn't whether you went. The test is whether she felt like you wanted to be there. And if she didn't, if she spent the whole time managing your mood instead of enjoying the moment, then your yes didn't do what you think it did. And if this is something you deal with, if you find yourself saying yes but making the whole experience miserable, I did an episode on this earlier this year, episode sixty-five, When Your Wife Loves Something You Don't.

Go back and listen to that one because this isn't about loving the thing that she loves. It's about loving her while she loves it. But understand this. Saying no is one thing. Saying yes and making her pay for it, that's worse. Because at least with a no, she knows where she stands. With a bad energy yes, she got what she asked for, and it still wasn't enough.

And that's what teaches her to stop asking altogether.

[00:12:45] What a Real Yes Actually Looks Like

So if your default is to say no for any of the reasons I just talked about, or you've been saying yes, but with a bad energy, then what does a real yes actually look like? Well, it starts before your mouth opens.

Here's what you actually have to do. Before you answer her, remember who you're talking to. Not a nag, not a task master, not someone who's trying to ruin your day or steal your time, your wife, the person you chose, the person who chose you, and right now she's reaching for you because she wants to be with you.

She wants to share something with you, and I know that sounds simple, but when you've been in the pattern of no for a while, you train yourself to hear her invitations as interruptions. She says, "Come look at this," and your first reaction is about what it's going to cost you.

The shift is catching that and remembering she's not taking something from you. She's offering something to you. That's the first move. Remember who she is to you.

Now, the second move is choosing her over your comfort, and I mean that in the everyday practical moments. Maybe your wife wants to invite her parents to stay for the weekend, and you know how hard that is for you.

What would it look like to understand how important family is to her and then do the work ahead of time so you don't shut down, check out, or turn the whole weekend into something miserable for everybody? What conversations would you need to have with her to get ahead of the hard parts? What requests would you need to make so you can actually show up and be present instead of counting the hours until they leave?

Or maybe she loves the mountains, and you've been picking the beach every summer. What would it take to say yes to her trip, not out of, "I guess I have to," but, "I want this for her," to acknowledge all the times she said yes to your plans and give her the same?

Maybe it's date night, and you always pick the restaurant that you want to go to. What would it look like to say, "Take me where you wanna go?"

I'll give you one from my life. Musicals. My wife loves them. Me, not so much. But what does it take for me to say yes to that? To go and to actually be there, not just in the seat, but with her, to watch her light up during a show and let that be enough. Not because musicals became my thing, because she is.

Here's another example. How about something as simple as what you watch together at night? How many times have you gotten to pick? Can you say yes to the show that she loves, the romance, the slow period piece, the thing you never would have chosen, and actually appreciate the time you're spending together? Can you watch her enjoy it and let that mean something to you?

The question running through every one of those is the same. What would it take for you to say yes and actually mean it? Not to tolerate it, not survive it, mean it. Because when you do, when your yes is real and she can feel it, the doors open. She starts including you again because now it's safe to reach for you.

That gets to the third move, and it's the biggest one. This isn't a technique you try once and show her you've changed. This is how you live every day, every small moment she brings you. Every small yes builds something in your marriage.

Every small no chips away at it. And most of the time, these aren't big asks. She's asking you to walk with her, to sit with her, to come look at something, to be there, and that's it. The men I work with who have the strongest marriages aren't doing anything extraordinary. They're just saying yes to the small moments consistently.

And that means when she's reaching for you, she's not bracing for a no or a sigh or an eye roll. She's expecting you'll show up. And when that becomes the pattern over weeks, over months, you feel the difference. She stops guarding herself before she asks you something. She starts bringing you back into the parts of her life she stopped sharing.

The trip ideas she would have just dropped, the friend she wants you to meet, the things she's been wanting to share but stopped bringing it up because your reaction wasn't worth the risk. When your yes is real, consistently real, she opens back up, and you start seeing parts of your wife you didn't even know you'd been missing.

You're building a life with somebody, and if you only ever want to do the thing you want to do, you can do that, but don't be married. Because marriage means her life matters as much as yours. What lights her up matters. What she cares about matters. You're not just inviting her into your life. She's inviting you into hers.

[00:17:04] Awareness, Action, Accountability

Now that you understand the difference between the wrong no, the bad energy yes, and the real yes, let's make this practical. To bring this closer to your life, I want you to answer one question. Think about the last time your wife invited you into something, a walk, a conversation, something she was excited about.

What did you do with that moment? Not just your words, your tone, your body, your energy. Were you with her or were you already looking for the exit? Be honest with yourself because she already knows the answer

Now this week, I want you to take these three action steps if you want to start applying what you've just learned today. First, pick one thing your wife has been wanting to do that you've been saying no to or putting off.

Maybe it's visiting her family. Maybe it's a place she's been wanting to try. Maybe it's watching something together she's been excited about. Identify the thing.

Next, get clear on why you keep saying no. Get honest with yourself. What is it about this thing? What excuses are you making? Is it that you're too busy? Are you grasping for control? Are you keeping score? Go back to what we talked about earlier, busyness, control, resentment. Figure out which one is driving your no.

And last, ask yourself, what would it take for you to say yes and really mean it?

What would you need in order to show up and actually enjoy the experience of doing something that your wife loves? When you're ready, tell her. Let her know you see that she's been asking for this and that you want to do it, but only if you mean it.

Don't let this turn into a bad energy yes

And if you're looking for accountability and support with these steps and you're hearing yourself in this episode, that's what Better Husband Academy is for. It's where the men I work with show up every week on live calls doing this same work, learning how to say yes differently, how to be present for their wives in the small moments, how to stop the patterns that keep pushing their wives away.

If that's where you want to be, come join us. Go to betterhusbandacademy.com or click the link in the show notes.

[00:18:55] Closing Takeaway

I want to leave you with this. Your wife isn't asking for a lot when she reaches for you. She's asking for your presence, your attention, your willingness to show up for the things that light her up, not because you have to, but because you chose her and she chose you.

You're not just inviting her into your life when you get married. She's also inviting you into hers. You are one, a team, a union, not one above and one below. Every small yes is how you show her that's true. Every walk you take with her, every "come look at this" you lean into, every moment you choose to be there, really be there and mean it.

That's how you build a marriage that belongs to both of you. Not by getting it right every time, but by showing up more often than you don't

I just wanna say thanks for being here and for being the man who's willing to look at this. You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.