Your Wife Isn’t Asking You to Do More—She’s Asking for This

[00:00:00] When Her Exhaustion Triggers Your Defensiveness

Have you ever been in a conversation with your wife where she's telling you from the bottom of her heart how tired she is, how exhausted, how burned out she feels. She's talking about everything she's carried this week, everything she still has to do, what's coming next, that's already stressing her out.

And instead of listening openly with compassion and empathy, you notice something else happening inside of you. You start thinking, yeah. I'm tired too. I am exhausted too. Here are all the things I've done this week. Here's everything I still have to do. Here's how much I contribute to this family. And before you realize it, you're making a list in your head and comparing it to hers.

It takes almost everything in you not to say it out loud, or maybe you do say it out loud. And in that moment, whatever connection could have been formed between the two of you disappears. How do I know this happens? Because I do it too. And the men I work with experience this exact moment all the time.

And here's the wild part. I imagine you actually care about how tired she is. You care about what she's carrying. The part of you listening right now to this episode knows you want to be an empathetic, loving, caring husband.

When your wife is exhausted and pouring herself out, you want to be able to hold her and say, how can I help you? How can I give you rest? How can I show you how much I love you? But somehow in that moment, that part of you goes offline. And because of that, things in your marriage don't just stay the same, they actually get worse.

That moment when you're listening, making your list, comparing, wanting to explain how much you do, that's the moment we're talking about in this episode. We're going to slow that moment down. We'll talk about why we as men do this and why it actually makes sense in our body and our nervous systems.

We'll talk about why it still misses what your wife is really asking for, and we'll talk about how to hear what she needs and respond in a way that creates connection, not distance. We'll also look at what being a better husband and a relational leader in your marriage actually looks like in these moments without diminishing everything you do or turning your marriage into a comparison.

If you've ever felt stuck between defending yourself and shutting down, this episode is for you. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this

[00:02:13] “Am I Not Doing Enough?” — A Real Marriage Moment

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now, a few weeks ago I was on an office hour call with several of the men inside of Better Husband Academy, and one of them shared about a recent experience with his wife.

This guy is very task oriented. Detail oriented. He's thoughtful. He genuinely cares about his family and his wife, and he does a lot. He helps around the house. He makes sure the kids are taken care of and dropped off when they need to go. He carries logistics, he shows up, he puts in effort.

And at the same time, his wife does a lot too. She pours herself out for her family. She contributes constantly. And honestly, in our modern world where both partners are caring so much, this is a really common dynamic.

So when his wife came to him talking about how burned out she was, how tired, how overwhelmed, she wasn't calm and polished. She was exhausted. And in that exhaustion, she even said a few things that weren't very loving or kind toward him.

And his immediate internal reaction was, wait, are you saying I'm not doing enough? Right then he started forming a mental list. Everything he does for her, everything he does for the kids, everything he does for the family. And in that moment, the opportunity for connection fell apart. Because the part of him that sees himself as a people pleaser, the part that's trying to take care of others, suddenly felt like it wasn't enough.

Like all the effort he'd been putting in wasn't having the effect it was supposed to have. And from there he fell into the same pull so many men feel in this moment. Either push back, get defensive, or withdraw and shut down. As he was talking, I knew exactly what he meant because I've been there too. And as the conversation went on, other men on the call nodded along.

They recognized it immediately. This isn't unique to him. It's not unique to me. And if you're listening right now, there's a good chance you recognize yourself in this too. So the real questions becomes, why does this happen? What's actually going on inside of us in that moment, and why is it so hard to respond in the way we know would help.

That's what I wanna slow down and explore in this episode, because these reactions don't just miss the moment, they destroy it and they tend to show up right when your wife is actually reaching out for your support

[00:04:38] Why You Instinctively Start Listing Everything You Do

So why do we do this? Why do we start creating that list in this moment? The truth is, most of us were raised to measure ourselves by what we do, our productivity, our contribution, our output, how much we provide for our families, how much we accomplish at work, how useful, capable, or successful we are.

In Relational Life Therapy, we call this performance-based self-esteem, and you can see it start early. For some of us, it was academics, grades or report cards, praise or punishment based on how well you performed. For others, maybe it was sports, being the team captain, winning the game, or being the one who cost the team when things didn't go well.

For others, it was in leadership. Popularity being seen as the good kid, the reliable one, the hero. Different families have different metrics, but the message was the same. Your worth is tied to how you perform, and that pattern carries straight into adulthood. We chase the promotion, the numbers, the recognition, the results, whether that's income, sales, influence, status, or even approval.

So when your wife is standing in front of you talking about how exhausted she is and something in you hears, I'm not doing enough, your system reacts.

Even if that's not what she means, you feel attacked. And from there, we tend to go one of two ways. We either fight back trying to prove that we are doing enough, that we're doing more, that we shouldn't be blamed or we collapse inward, believing the story that we've failed.

That we're not enough. And we shut down and we withdraw. And both of those reactions are all about the same thing. Self-protection, either justifying our worth or spiraling into shame. And here's what matters most to understand. Your wife when she's tired, overwhelmed, and asking for support is not trying to trigger this in you.

She's not trying to tell you that your failing. She's not trying to attack your worth, but this is an old pattern, one that lives deep in your body, so we react the same way.

We always have, we fight or we shut down. That urge to list everything you do isn't coming from a calm, open, relational space. It's your nervous system saying, don't let this be my fault. It's your body saying something's wrong. I don't like this. Do something. And once your nervous system takes over, the relational part of you goes offline, the reactive part steps in, and that's where the list begins.

[00:07:00] You Do a Lot—And It’s Still Not What She Needs

Before we talk about how to keep the relational part of you online, how to not get reactive and actually give your wife what she needs in that moment. I wanna slow down and talk about the things you do. Because when your wife comes to you, burned out, tired, overwhelmed, and you feel that urge to list everything you do, I wanna be very clear about something.

I'm not saying that what you do doesn't matter. I don't want to diminish your contributions and I don't want you to diminish them either and start telling yourself that nothing you do will ever be enough.

You do a lot. You work hard, you do show up. You contribute because you love your family, and at the same time in that moment, that's not what she needs to hear about.

As soon as scorekeeping enters the conversation, everything shifts. Now it's about who's doing more, who's more tired, whose pain counts more. And before you know it, the conversation turns into blame and finger pointing, and both of you walk away feeling unseen. What I want you to practice is holding two truths at the same time.

One, you do a lot, you care, you work hard. And two, in that moment, she's not asking you to prove anything. She's asking to be loved, to be helped, to be cherished, to be understood in her struggle. So instead of making sure she knows you're doing enough, pause and ask yourself a different question. What do you think she actually wants right now?

What does she need? If you were in her shoes, feeling that exhausted, that overwhelmed, and you were sharing that with someone you love, what would help you feel better? That question alone can change the entire moment.

[00:08:34] The Difference Between Running a Family and Leading a Marriage

So if you are a list keeper, a logical structured person, someone who likes systems and organization, I get it.

I'm wired that way too. So here's another way to think about this. There's a difference between caretaking the family and caretaking the marriage. Family caretaking is everything you do to keep life running. The systems, the logistics, the schedule, the maintenance, the day-to-day responsibilities, making sure the kids are where they need to be, the house functions. Those things matter and you probably do a lot of them very well.

But now I want you to ask yourself a different question. What are you doing to caretake the marriage itself, to caretake the love between you, the intimacy, the emotional connection. Those aren't tasks you just check off a list. They're experiences. Moments of vulnerability, presence, generosity, support.

How much of that are you offering your marriage? Especially in moments like the ones we're talking about, where your wife is standing in front of you asking for support.

If you're a visual list-based person, here's a simple exercise. Imagine two lists side by side. One list is everything you do to keep the family running. The other list is what you do to nurture the love and connection in your marriage. Which list is longer? And what would it look like not to abandon the first list, but to intentionally strengthen the second, because yes, family caretaking keeps life moving.

It keeps things structured and makes sure everyone is taken care of. But marriage caretaking creates something different. It creates safety, intimacy, connection, mutual support. It creates a marriage that feels tended to.

And this is where relational leadership actually lives. Not in executing tasks or managing outcomes, but in moments of coming together, slowing down, turning toward each other and tending to the relationship itself.

And this is where so many men struggle.

Because when we grew up as boys, we were taught how to win, how to succeed, how to accomplish, how to finish projects, and move on to the next one. We weren't taught how to slow down, how to hold emotional space, how to tend to feelings ours or someone else's.

And yet in marriage, that's exactly what's needed.

[00:10:44] Why You Go From Present to Defensive So Fast

So let's go back to that moment. Your wife is talking about how exhausted and tired and overwhelmed she is, and instead of staying present, something totally different happens inside of you. What's actually happening there?

Well, there are two parts of you at play, and if you listened to this podcast before, you've heard me talk about this and if this is your first time, here's a simple way to understand it. There's a part of you we call the wise adult. That's the mature, grounded, relational part of you. That part's flexible and warm and nuanced.

He's calm, he's able to listen, he can stay open, and honestly, that's. Probably the part of you listening to this episode right now with the desire to become a better husband. But in the moment we're talking about the moment where you start making lists and pushing back and wanting to defend or shut down.

That part goes offline and another part takes over. We call that part the adaptive child. This part of you is rigid and certain black and white, overly logical, tight in your body, and when this part comes online, it hijacks your entire system. And once that happens, every part of you that knows what the moment is calling for, can't access it.

That's why advice, like just listen to her, doesn't actually help in real time. Even if you understand it right now, even if you agree with it. Because once your nervous system is activated, once your body is hijacked, your mind goes with it. You can't think your way back into this relational leadership I'm talking about.

You can't logic your way back into presence in this hard moment, and that's the key thing to understand before we talk about what to do next.

[00:12:15] What to Do Instead of Defending Yourself

So once you understand that, what is it that you actually need to do in that moment? Well, the first part is awareness. You need to be able to just notice what's happening inside of you, almost like you're watching yourself from the outside.

That moment when your body tenses up or your chest tightens, or maybe you feel your fist clench up, or you start tapping your foot fast or your heart rate picks up, it's unique to each one of us.

This is that moment where your mind stops listening and all you're doing is waiting for the moment. You can jump in and say what you need to say. That's your signal.

Once you notice it, the next step is to slow the moment down. Take a deep breath, create just enough space to bring the wise adult part of you back online because only from there can you do anything that actually helps.

And I wanna be honest, this is definitely easier said than done. I know that because I struggle with this too, and this is what I have to remind myself in those moments. She's not attacking me. She needs my help. Or sometimes I know I do enough. That's not what this is about.

This is about tending to that younger reactionary part of you, the part that learned early on that your worth is tied to what you do.

Your worth is not under attack here. What you contribute is not under attack. Here. You're standing across from someone who needs your support, and once you can help that reactive part of you settle. Once you let it know that it's okay and that it's safe, you can finally respond from a different place.

From the wise adult, from the grown man who wants to be a better husband. And from there you listen openly with care and with love. So here's what that actually looks like. You acknowledge what she's going through, the exhaustion, the overwhelm, the frustration, the heaviness, the stress. You name what you're hearing or what you imagine she's feeling.

And then you ask a simple question, how can I support you right now? And maybe she needs time off. Maybe she needs you to take the kids so she can rest. Maybe she needs you to schedule something that gives her real recovery. Maybe she just needs you to handle dinner without asking any questions. Or to run her a bath or give her a hug, or simply acknowledge how much she's carrying. Give her what she's actually asking for.

And again, this isn't about diminishing everything you do. It's not about saying that you don't matter. It's not about pretending you are not tired too. That might all be true, but in this moment, you are being asked to listen and to tend, because once you do that, the space will open for you to share what you are carrying.

You can't have two people unloading at the same time. Your needs matter and her needs matter too. You just have to take turns. That's relationship. It's not about comparison or scorekeeping. It's all about mutual support. I'm all for advocating for your needs, just not inside of her emotional moment. Let go of the fear that if you don't say it right now, you'll never be heard.

You will. Timing is a relational skill. Leadership requires sequencing. Knowing the right moment and the right tone, and that's something you can keep practicing as you continue to work on becoming a better husband.

[00:15:23] A Simple Practice for the Next Hard Conversation

So here's what I want you to practice this week. When your wife is exhausted, overwhelmed, or reaching out for support, the first thing I want you to do is notice what your body does.

Pay attention to the physical sensations, the tightening in your chest, the clenching in your jaws or fists, the urge to interrupt, explain, defend yourself, or shut down. Those sensations are your early warning system. They're telling you exactly what's happening inside your nervous system.

Once you notice that, the second step is to name it to yourself. Just internally say, I'm feeling the urge to protect myself right now. That's the part of you that wants to push back or pull away because your worth feels threatened. Remind yourself that's not what this moment is about.

So the third step is this moment where you actually bring your wise adult back online. The part of you that actually cares about the woman standing in front of you, the part of you that loves her and wants to support her from that place. Acknowledge what she's feeling, name what you're hearing, and then ask her what she needs.

And after you ask, pause and listen.

And then lastly, I want you to ask yourself one more question. How generous can I be right now? Not in a way that diminishes everything you do. Not in a way that ignores your own needs, but in a way that stays focused on what's right in front of you. Trusting that what you are carrying will have its time and place too.

This isn't about being walked all over, and it's not about sacrificing yourself, it's just about leading in the moment that you're in.

[00:16:49] Questions to Help You Notice Your Patterns

I wanna leave you with a few questions to sit with after this episode.

One. When your wife is overwhelmed, what story do you immediately tell yourself about you.

Two. In those moments, what are you actually more focused on? Are you focused on score keeping, making sure she sees everything you do and everything you contribute? Or are you focused on creating a closer, more intimate relationship where she feels safe coming to you for support?

Then ask yourself this three. Where does most of your energy go right now? Into family caretaking that keeps life moving or into marriage caretaking that creates safety? And what would it look like to focus more on what creates love, connection, and emotional safety instead of just contribution.

Let those questions stay with you. There's no rush to answer them perfectly. The point is to just notice what comes up.

[00:17:37] Why This Moment Is an Invitation, Not an Attack

Here's what I want you to take away from this episode. You do a lot. You care, you tend, you love, you contribute, and so does your wife. You are not in competition with each other. You're on the same side supporting one another.

So when one of you feels overwhelmed or exhausted, that moment isn't an attack on what the other person does it's an invitation. An invitation to lift each other up, to tend to each other, to care for one another. Not because it's another thing on your list, but because it's a gift you get to offer, knowing that she offers the same to you when you need it.

That's how safety is built in a marriage, and that's how intimacy grows. That's how connection deepens, and that's how you become a better husband.

If you recognize yourself in these moments, I want you to know you're not alone. A lot of men struggle with this and if you wanna do this work alongside other men who are committed to showing up differently in their marriages, that's exactly what we do in Better Husband Academy. It's a space to build real relational skills, strength and emotional awareness, and practice leading with integrity and steadiness at home.

If that sounds like something you're ready for, you can learn more at betterhusbandacademy.com. Thanks for listening to this episode. Thanks for caring about your marriage, and thanks for doing the work of becoming a better husband. You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.