102|Your Wife Can't See What You Know. She Only Sees What You Do.

[00:00:00] Grateful for the Learning, Stuck in the Same Fights

I get a lot of emails from men who listen to this show, and a lot of them sound something like this, "Man, I've been listening to your podcast. I've been learning so much. I know so much more than I ever did. Thank you for doing what you do."

And listen, I love getting those. I read every single one, and they remind me why I do what I do.

If you've ever emailed me before, left a review or a comment on one of these episodes, thank you, and I really mean that.

But today I wanna talk about a second part of those emails that I usually see a few lines down. The man who emails me is grateful that he's learning, but he's still running into the same problems in his marriage, same moments, same fights, same place he was before he ever pressed play.

He knows more than he's ever known about his marriage. He could explain to you what's happening when he gets defensive. He could tell you why his wife needs to feel heard before he tries to fix anything.

And then some random night comes along, she says or does something, and he's the same guy he was a year ago, reacting, shutting down, arguing, [00:01:00] frustrated. It's messy.

And maybe he even catches himself halfway through the process and thinks, "I know I'm better than this. Why am I still doing this?" If that's you, let me first say that you're not alone, and I've dealt with the exact same thing in the past. But for me, it all changed once I started doing something different.

That's how I have the marriage that I have now, and it's the whole reason this show exists.

Today, we're talking about the difference between learning about your marriage and doing something about it. By the end of this episode, you're going to know why everything you've learned hasn't changed much at home yet, and what to do when you try something new and it doesn't work right away, because that's exactly where most men quit.

If you stay till the end, you're going to walk away with three specific things written down you can start doing and a plan to start on them today. Whether this is your first episode or your 100th, I'm glad you're here. You're in the right place. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

[00:01:59] The Marriage Work That Didn't Look Like Marriage Work

Welcome to [00:02:00] Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question: how can I be a better husband?

I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now, whenever I talk to men about the work I do, the path I've walked in my own marriage, and how I support men in theirs, the first thing I want them to understand is that I didn't learn any of this by just reading about it.

I didn't sit down in a classroom studying how marriage works, how men learn relational skills, how a couple can come back from the brink of divorce.

That's probably the biggest difference between me and a lot of the people you could listen to about marriage. Most therapists or relationship experts, they learn all of this in labs and surveys, and the work they do is important, and a lot of what I teach comes from it, but that's not how I came to it.

I came to it because my own marriage was in trouble, and the only way I got through it was by doing things differently again and again, long before I understood them. And most of it I learned the hard way, through the [00:03:00] pain of it, through the struggle and the challenges and the times I got it wrong and had to come back and try again.

And then through the wins, the small ones first, and eventually the results, it all came together. That's what I'm sharing with you on this show. Everything I've learned, everything I've gone through, and everything I help other men work on in their own marriages. The things I did over and over until they started to change my marriage, that's what this is about, and I'm grateful I get to share it.

Now, later on, I did study all of it. I got trained, I got certified, I went through a rigorous evaluation process. It was hard work and I'm glad I did it. It gave me something I didn't have before, which is language. Now I can name what I was doing. I can tell you why it was happening and what was happening in me and why it worked.

But the naming came after. I didn't get the words and then changed. I changed and then I found out what it was called and how it worked and how it's been studied and why the steps go in the order they [00:04:00] do.

The clearest example I have is one that surprised me more than anything else in this journey. One of the biggest realizations I came to was that working on my nervous system had a huge impact on how I showed up in my marriage.

It's kind of weird because that's not what I would have expected.

If you had asked me back then what I needed to work on, I would've told you I needed to work on how I communicate with my wife, spend more time together, maybe start having more date nights. I would've never said, "I need to learn how to slow my body down."

But that's what the work was, slowing myself down, checking in with my body, being able to put words to what was going on in there and talk about it over and over. And the reason it mattered is this. In those moments where there's tension, conflict, arguments, disagreement, a lot happens in my body before I've decided anything.

And for a long time, I didn't understand any of that. I just did what I had always done. I reacted or I ran from it. But learning about my nervous [00:05:00] system gave me the ability to catch that moment, to notice, "Okay, this is happening in my body right now," and then to face it instead of running from it or reacting to it, and to stay present with my wife while it was all happening.

I didn't know that when I was practicing slowing down that I was working on my marriage because it didn't look like marriage work at all, but it was the marriage work. I just couldn't see it yet. And I think about that when I read those emails. A lot of the men writing to me know more about marriage right now than I knew when I started.

That's the truth. The part they're missing is the one I stumbled into almost by accident, doing the work before it makes sense and staying with it long enough for it to show up in the hard moments with your wife.

[00:05:45] You Had the Knowledge. You Didn't Have the Reps.

So how do you go from learning about something to actually being able to put it into practice?

Let me put it this way. Back in 2005, I started working as a mechanical engineer. Before that, I went to college at Johns Hopkins University and graduate school at Stanford University for [00:06:00] mechanical engineering. If you want to talk about an internal combustion engine, I can sit down with you and get real nerdy about it.

We can talk about the Otto cycle, which is the thermodynamics model of how a gas engine works, compression ratios, engine efficiency. I can run the calculations all day, and you'd probably be bored in about 10 seconds unless you're one of my fellow engineering nerds. Now, put an actual car engine in front of me, one that won't start, and put next to me a mechanic's apprentice, a young guy, maybe no formal education at all, but he's had his hands inside engines every day for years.

He's gotten them dirty. He's gotten it wrong and figured out why and done it again. He's going to beat me every single time. He's done it. He knows what that engine sounds like when something's off. His hands know where to go. He's been wrong enough times in real engines that he knows things I could never get from a textbook.

And it's funny because the most useful thing engineering taught me came from prototyping. Back at Stanford, I was taught the mindset of fail early and [00:07:00] fail often. Don't sit there trying to get the design perfect on paper. Build something.

Put it into use. Get feedback. Find out where it breaks. Learn from it, and go at it again.

If You never build anything, you never get the feedback, and you never learn the thing you needed to know. Your marriage works the same way. You can understand exactly why she needs to feel heard before you try to fix anything.

You can explain it to a buddy. You could probably explain it to her, and then she comes home frustrated about something at work, and within about 30 seconds, you're telling her what she should have said to her boss, and then you watch her face close up, and later, maybe in the car, you think, "I knew that.

I literally knew that." You had the knowledge the whole time. What you didn't have yet was the reps.

Just like me and the car engine, I'd read about it. I'd spent hours on calculations and textbooks. I'd aced the midterms and the finals. I just hadn't had my hands on one enough times for it to [00:08:00] be useful when my car broke down on the side of the road.

And take a moment to experience what that might be like from her side. She's hearing that you're listening to a podcast about marriage. Maybe you've even told her some of what you're learning. Maybe she got a little bit hopeful, and then she gets that same moment she's always gotten, that same tone, that same fix that she didn't ask for.

And my guess is that it can be harder on her than if you'd never said anything. Because what you say you know doesn't match what she lives with every day.

She can't see what you know. She can only see what you do. So when I say The Better Husband podcast came from years of me doing, that's what I mean.

What changed things for me was getting my hands in it, getting it wrong in real moments with my wife, reflecting on it, getting support on what I struggled with, and going back in again.

[00:08:50] Wax On, Wax Off Before It Makes Sense

If you've seen The Karate Kid, you know this scene. Danny LaRusso shows up wanting to learn karate, and instead of teaching him to fight, Mr. Miyagi hands him a [00:09:00] rag and has him wax the cars. Wax on, wax off. And then he has him sand the floor, then paint the fence, up and down, day after day. And Daniel gets more and more frustrated because he came to learn how to fight, and he's doing chores.

Like, "Why are you having me do this? What does this have to do with anything?" And then it comes time to actually fight, and he sees exactly why.

Every one of those motions was the thing. His body had been learning the whole time his head was complaining about it. That's what the nervous system work was for me. I'd be practicing slowing down, noticing my breath, checking in with what my body was doing, and trying to put words to it.

And a lot of the time, some part of me was that kid holding the rag. Like, "What does this have to do with my marriage? I need to be working on how I talk to her. I need to be fixing the actual problem." It was the actual problem. I just couldn't see it.

Because the second something happens between my wife and I, my body moves first, before my brain has processed a single thought about it. [00:10:00] And if my nervous system is already gone, if I'm tight and fast and braced, then I can't use any of the relational skills I know. I can know how to listen, I can know how to own my part, but none of it comes out of a system that's already set for fight or flight. That's why in the work I do with the men in Better Husband Academy, the nervous system comes before most of the relational skills. Guys come in wanting the conversation tools. "How do I talk to her? What do I say when she brings this up?"

And I get it. That's what I wanted, too. But one of the first things we work on noticing is what's happening in you, so that you can practice calming down, because the tools don't work without it.

Now, a lot of days, it feels like nothing's happening. You take a breath, you notice your chest is tight, you name it, and the conversation still goes poorly.

Or it doesn't even come up that day and you're left holding a rag in your hand wondering, why are you even bothering to do this?

But then, one day, she says the thing that usually sets you off. And [00:11:00] instead of your usual move, there's a half second where you notice, okay, there it is, and you have a choice you didn't used to have.

That half second is what all those days of wax on, wax off, paint the fence were all for. And the only way I know how to get it is to do the motions a lot of times before they make sense.

[00:11:21] What's Underneath Every Problem You Keep Fixing

Now, in The Karate Kid movie, everything is building up towards one day, the All Valley Karate Championship. Daniel's going to face Johnny Lawrence, the kid who's been beating him up since he moved to town, and Johnny's whole dojo, Cobra Kai.

Every car he waxes, every floor he sands, every stroke on that fence is training him for that one fight. You train, and then you show up for the big fight.

In marriage, that's not how it works. For me, the tournament is every single day. It's with my wife, it's with my son, it's in traffic when somebody cuts me off, it's with strangers, it's when I sit down to record this podcast, it's the stress of running a business and supporting the men I work with, and money [00:12:00] stress, and health stress.

My nervous system is in every one of those places. There isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't get tested somewhere.

Now, think about how I would have handled all of that if I didn't know the nervous system was a key piece of it. I'd have looked at each problem on its own and tried to find the fix for that one.

Okay, money stressing me out, how can I budget better? I'm short with my son, how can I speak to him more kindly? My wife says I'm not there with her, how can I be more present? Somebody cuts me off in traffic, how can I just let that go? And every one of those is a fair question. Those are real things worth getting better at, but it's not that simple, because each one of those is sitting on top of something.

So what I have to really look at is what's underneath all four. What's the work I need to do to be able to handle any of them?

For me, a big part of that answer is nervous system regulation. What gets activated in me over money is the same thing that gets activated with my son, and [00:13:00] with my wife, and behind the wheel.

It's one thing showing up in four different places, and if I only ever work on the four places, I keep running into the same problem in each of them.

I think this is a big reason why a man can learn so much and still feel like he's not making any progress. He's collecting fixes for the stuff on the surface, a better way to say something, a better way to handle something, a new thing to try on a date night, and each one is fine. But when he gets into the moment where it hits the fan, the thing underneath takes over, and he forgets every one of the fixes.

And to his wife, my guess, again, is that it can look like he's trying a lot of different things, but none of them are sticking. A new phrase one week, a date night the next, a promise to listen better.

It's very likely she can feel the effort. What she's still waiting for is the husband who is consistent, and that one comes from the work underneath.

Your version of what's underneath might not look exactly like mine, but for a lot of men I work with, the nervous [00:14:00] system is a big piece of it.

The question is the same for every one of us, though. When the same kind of moment keeps going wrong across different parts of your life, what's the thing that's there every time? That's what the doing needs to go into, the thing that's there every time.

And when you work on that, the tournament stops being a place where you keep getting beaten. It becomes the place you practice. Every day gives you dozens of chances. Traffic, bedtime, the conversation at the kitchen counter, each one is a rep.

[00:14:30] When You Try It and It Doesn't Work

Now, let's say you hear all of this and you actually start.

You take a breath, you slow down. Maybe you get wild and even start meditating. Then you try the thing you learned in your marriage, and it doesn't work. You still snap, or you shut down in just a few seconds later than usual, but you still do it.

Or you do everything right. You stay calm, you listen, and the conversation still goes badly, and you're lying in bed that night thinking one of two things.

Something's wrong with me, or this stuff doesn't work. Maybe it works for other guys, but it [00:15:00] doesn't work in my marriage.

Now, I understand both of those. I've thought both of those more than once, and I've heard similar things from so many men. You put yourself out there, you tried something new, and it didn't work.

Of course, some part of you wants to pull back, and this is the exact moment where most men stop doing and go back to learning.

They go looking for a better episode, a better book, a better technique, the one that's finally going to work the first time. But think about what that does. Every time it doesn't work right away, you go back to learning, and you start over.

You never get past the first few attempts at anything. You're the kid who puts down the paintbrush on day three because painting the fence doesn't look like karate yet.

Remember one of the best lessons I learned as an engineer? Fail early and fail often. When the prototype breaks, that's the most useful thing that's happened all week because now you know something you couldn't have known from the drawing.

You learn from it, you adjust, and you build the next [00:16:00] one. That's what it looks like in your marriage too. You tried to slow down, and you still snapped? Okay. What happened in your body right before? When did you lose it?

Was it the words she used, or were you already worn out before you walked in the door?

That's all information. You couldn't have gotten it from any podcast, including this one. You only got it by trying. So don't let one bad night mean something about you.

One of the things I tell the men I work with all the time is, "Don't let anything mean anything." You had a great conversation on Monday and a terrible one on Wednesday, that doesn't mean Monday was a fluke, and it doesn't mean you haven't learned anything.

It means you keep going.

And compare yourself to the right person. The guys who's been doing this for 10 years isn't your measure, and neither is a therapist. Compare yourself to where you were yesterday. Did you catch it a little bit sooner?

Did you come back and repair a little bit faster? That's your measure.

This is where the learning that sticks happens, in the doing and in what you do with it when it goes wrong

[00:16:58] Awareness, Action, Accountability

So if you're still with me and [00:17:00] this made you look at how much you've been learning compared to how much you've been actually doing, let's get you doing something. Let me help you with an awareness question, action steps, and accountability for this week .

Today's awareness question is just yes or no, and that's on purpose.

You have enough awareness. You don't need to sit with another question right now. We're going to spend our time doing, so just answer this one yes or no.

Are you continuing to practice what you've learned even when it doesn't go the way you wanted the first time? Yes or no? That's it.

Now, the action steps I want you to take are the ones you can start today.

Step one, get a piece of paper and make two columns. Actually get it. Pause this if you need to because this one doesn't work in your head. Now, on the left side, write down everything you've learned since you started listening to this podcast or since you started working on your marriage. Owning your part, repair, not getting defensive, not shutting down, your nervous system, emotional availability, leading relationally, building intimacy.

Whatever you've picked up, put it in the left [00:18:00] column. Now, on the right side, write down everything you're actually doing and still doing. Something you tried once doesn't count here. It has to be something you're doing right now, this week, on a regular basis.

Now, step two, circle what's missing. Look at that left column and circle every single thing you've learned that you haven't put into action.

Step three, pick at least three of them. Out of everything you circled, pick the three that needs your attention the most right now. Skip the easy ones. Pick the three that would matter most in your marriage if you started doing them. And if you don't have three, pick one or pick two.

Now, step four, and this is the bold one, put it in the comments. If you're on Spotify, scroll down under this episode and leave a comment. If you're on Apple, leave a review and let me know. If you're on YouTube, go to the comments section, share your top three, and for each one, tell me what you're going to do, when you're going to do it, and how you're going to make sure you actually did it.

This is [00:19:00] my real challenge for you. I know thousands of you are listening to this, and I'm genuinely curious how many of you are actually going to do it.

I hope you do, because this is what commitment looks like. Remember that you're not the only one doing this.

Now, the reason I asked you to put that out there is the whole point of accountability. If nobody knows what you said you'd do and you don't do it, nothing happens. Nobody asks, and it just becomes one more thing you learned and never did. Telling somebody is the start of taking yourself seriously about this.

And what I just had you do is the same thing I have men in Better Husband Academy do every single week.

They write down what they're committing to. They name what's going to make it hard to show up for it. And then they come back and talk about how it went.

Did you do it? If you didn't do it, why not? What got in the way? What showed up instead, and how did you handle it? What did you learn? And what needs to happen next week?

Sometimes the answer is, "I didn't live up to last week's commitment, so I'm doing it again, and here's what I learned." [00:20:00] That's what doing looks like, week after week with other men who are doing it, too, supporting them and having them support you.

If you're ready to do this alongside those guys and me, go to betterhusbandacademy.com or click the link in the show notes to get accountability on exactly this.

And don't make that your plan for this week. Make it the thing you do today.

[00:20:21] Closing Takeaway

Now, here's what I want you to take away from this episode. Think back to Daniel-san, the Karate Kid, standing in the driveway with a rag in his hand, waxing a car that isn't even his, asking what any of this has to do with what he came for.

He could have walked away on the first day. He probably wanted to. He could have gone home and read about karate instead.

He didn't know yet that his hands were learning the thing his head couldn't. You might be standing somewhere like that right now. You know a lot, and some of what I'm asking you to do, slow down, notice your body, write down three things, and tell me about them, might feel like chores next to the marriage you want.

Do them anyway. [00:21:00] The understanding shows up later, in the middle of an ordinary day when she says the thing and you catch yourself a half second sooner than you used to. That's the tournament, and the only way to get ready for it is to do the work.

I Just want to say thank you for being willing to look honestly at what you know and what you're actually doing.

Now, go get that piece of paper, do the work, and leave your comment or review so you're accountable for the actions that'll make you the husband you want to be. You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.