Your Self-Esteem Is Hurting Your Marriage: 3 Faulty Beliefs That Keep Men Stuck

Introduction: When You Never Feel Like Enough

Here's a heavy question for you. Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's never enough? Or maybe you're constantly trying to prove yourself to your wife at work or even to yourself? What if I told you that the way you see yourself, your self-esteem is directly affecting your marriage in ways you don't even realize?

I know this because I've been there. I remember a time when I felt like I was constantly falling short. No matter how hard I worked, how much I tried to provide, how well I planned a date or surprise for my wife. I still had this lingering feeling that I wasn't enough. I. And it wasn't just in my own head.

This insecurity was showing up in my marriage. When my wife expressed a need, I took it as criticism. When she asked for more emotional connection, I felt like I was failing her. It took me a long time to realize that the issue wasn't with her expectations. It was with how I saw myself.

The Real Reason Your Confidence Feels So Fragile

Well, today we're talking about self-esteem, but not in the way most people think about it.

So you see, in relational life therapy, we recognize that the way most of us try to build self-esteem is actually flawed and it's hurting our relationships. By the end of this episode, you'll understand the three faulty ways most men define their self-worth, how those patterns create conflict in your marriage, and most importantly.

It's how to develop real, stable and relational self-esteem that will strengthen your connection with your wife. Let's get into it.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you improve your marriage and become the best partner you can be. Now, most men don't think about self-esteem as a marriage issue.

But it's huge. The way you feel about yourself shapes the way you show up in your relationship. It affects how you handle conflict, how you respond to criticism, and how you interpret your wife's words and actions. If your self-esteem is shaky, it will show up in how you communicate, how much you trust, and whether you react from a place of confidence or insecurity.

And here's the problem. Most of us were never taught what real self-esteem is. Instead, we learned to measure our worth in faulty ways that actually make us feel worse, not better.

In relational life therapy, we teach that most of us build our self-esteem on shaky foundations. I wanna share with you the three most common but flawed ways men define their self-worth. And at the end of each one, I'm going to give you a. Practice for this week. If you want, you can hit pause and take a moment to write those down.

Or if you'd rather have these practices straight to your inbox, you can join my mailing list at angelosantiago.com and you'll be signed up to get lots of valuable resources to help you be a better husband.

Now, let's get started.

When Your Worth Depends on Achievement

The first one I wanna talk about is performance-based self-esteem. This sounds like I am what I achieve. This is the belief that your worth is based on what you do, what you accomplish, or what you produce. This is super common for so many men and culturally, a man's ability to provide for his family has always been the highest level of importance.

You see, if this is you, then when you succeed, you feel good about yourself, but if you fail, your self-esteem plummets and how this hurts your marriage. Well, if your worth is tied to achievement, then any criticism or failure feels like a personal attack. You might get defensive with your wife.

You might shut down, or you might try to prove your value by overworking instead of being emotionally present. But here's what you can do instead. I want you to start separating who you are from what you do. You are not your job. You are not your productivity, and you are not your achievements. You have value simply because you're here.

Your worth isn't earned through performance. It's something you already possess. You matter. Even when you rest. You're enough, even when you don't hit your goal. And if you wanna work on this, here's your at-home practice. At the end of your day, I want you to ask yourself this, who was I today? Not just what did I do?

Did you show up with kindness? Did you try? Did you love, reflect on who you were rather than what you produced? This helps untangle your identity from your output, and it reconnects you to your deeper worth.

When You Feel Valuable Because of What You Have

Now the second way is called attribute based self-esteem. This looks like I have worth because of what I have.

This is the belief that your value comes from your possessions, your status, or your physical appearance. If you have the right job, the right car, the right house, or you look a certain way, you feel worthy. If you lose these things, your self-esteem crumbles, and here's how this hurts your marriage. If your sense of self is tied to your material success, you may overwork, you may neglect emotional connection or feel insecure if your external image is threatened.

And here's what I want you to start doing instead, I want you to shift your focus from what you have to who you are. you Have value, not because of what you own or how polished your image is, but because your presence, because of your heart, because of your willingness to show up authentically, you are already enough without the car, the title and the appearance.

And here's your at-home practice, if this is you. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and say this aloud, even if I lost everything I own, I would still have worth. I matter because of who I am, not because what I have do this for seven days and it's going to feel strange at first, but this kind of repetition helps you rewire how you see yourself.

When You Need Others’ Approval to Feel Okay

Now the third method of self-esteem that does not work is called other based self-esteem. And this is, I have worth because you think I do. This is when your self word depends on how others see and validate you. If others, including your wife, approve of you. You feel good. If they don't, you feel worthless.

This is the problem with social media and chasing likes and views and approval, and this reflects into your marriage because how it hurts your marriage is you'd become a people pleaser. I. You become conflict avoidant. You're seeking constant reassurance or feeling devastated by any sort of criticism.

And what you have to do instead is learn to validate yourself instead of outsourcing your worth. You don't need somebody else to tell you that you're enough. You can start telling yourself that. Approval from others feels good, but your worth doesn't depend on it. You matter simply because you exist and your at home practice, if you can relate to this one, is each night I want you to write down three things you appreciate about how you showed up that day. No one else's opinion involved. For example, I kept calm when I wanted to snap or I was kind to my kid even when I felt stressed. This helps build internal validation, which is the foundation of relational self-esteem.

The Foundation You Actually Need

Here's the important thing I want you to know about all of this. We've been trained to define our word through what we do, what we have, or how others see us, but relational self-esteem asks you to build a deeper foundation when that doesn't shake, when life does. Before we move on to the next section, I want to encourage you to try one of these exercises this week.

See how it feels to stand in your value, not because of your performance or possessions or popularity, but because you're human and that's enough. And so why does all of this matter if you want to be a better husband, here's where it all comes together and how it impacts your marriage.

How I Projected My Own Harsh Standards Onto My Wife

There's one more piece I want to call out before we move on because it's one that most men never realize. And first I wanna share something personal here. When my self-esteem was tied to performance, I held myself to insanely high standards. If I made a mistake or forgot something, or didn't follow through exactly the way I planned, I'd beat myself up hard.

And I didn't realize that at the time, but I started doing the same thing to my wife. If she forgot to do something, she said she'd do or didn't handle something around the house the way I would have. I judged her quietly, sometimes outwardly others if something broke or wasn't running smoothly. I looked at her through the same harsh lens I used on myself, and when it came to parenting, I sometimes held her to invisible standards I created. One that was impossible to meet. It created tension. It hurt our connection, and it wasn't fair to her.

What I eventually realized was that my frustration with her wasn't really about her. It was about my own unhealed relationship with myself. And once I started shifting how I saw myself moving from performance-based esteem to relational self-esteem, I began to soften.

I gave myself more grace, and that allowed me to give her more grace too. That shift changed our marriage in ways I couldn't have imagined at the time. When your self-esteem is built on performance possessions or approval, you're not just holding yourself to those standards, you start holding your wife to them too.

If you only feel valuable when you're succeeding, you might begin to lose respect for your wife when she struggles. If your sense of worth depends on what you have, you may start judging her for not contributing enough or for spending in ways that feel threatening to your financial image.

And if you base your worth on what other people think, then you might find yourself resenting or devaluing your wife when others criticize her or when she doesn't reflect well on you. And here's what happens next. The resentment builds, the compassion fades. You stop seeing your wife through the lens of love and start seeing her through the same critical lens you use on yourself.

And it's not because you don't care, it's because you've been taught to equate worth with status, performance, and validation. And when that's your operating system, both of you suffer.

How to Stop Holding Your Wife to the Same Harsh Standards

Healing your own self-esteem isn't just a gift to yourself. It's a gift to her.

It gives you the ability to offer your wife grace, presence and love that isn't conditional. When you stop measuring your value in these faulty ways, you stop measuring hers in that way too, and that's where relational self-esteem can finally grow.

What Relational Self-Esteem Looks Like in Action

Relational self-esteem is grounded in the belief that your worth and your wife's is not conditional. It doesn't rise and fall with success or struggle. It just is. Neither of you have to earn it through doing, having or pleasing you both matter simply because you're human. And in relationships, that kind of grounded self-worth changes everything.

When you operate from relational self-esteem, you're less reactive. You don't crumble under criticism because it doesn't shake your core sense of self. I. You're able to take feedback, own your part, and stay connected because your value isn't on the line. You also stop chasing validation. You don't need your wife to constantly reassure you in order to feel okay.

You're able to receive love, not because you've earned it, but because you've learned to accept it. And when things get hard, you don't spiral into shame or defensiveness. You stay steady, you listen. You lead with openness instead of fear. Relational self-esteem shows up when a man can say, even when I mess up, I'm still worthy of love.

It shows up when you can hold your ground without grandiosity and also admit fault without collapsing into shame. It's not arrogance, it's not perfection. It's humility, confidence, and connection all rolled into one. If you've never felt that kind of steadiness before, that's okay. It's a skill and like all skills, it can be learned.

As we close up, I want you to take away that self-esteem affects every part of your marriage. If it's based on performance or possessions or others, it will keep you feeling insecure or reactive. Real confidence comes from relational self-esteem. You don't need to earn your worth, you just need to own it.

When you stand in your value, everything in your marriage improves.

One Final Challenge for the Week Ahead

Now I challenge you. Try shifting your self-esteem this week. Start catching yourself when you tie your worth to work or appearance or possessions or others' opinions. If you notice it, pause and remind yourself, I am worthy just as I am.

Then let me know how it goes. You can email me at [email protected]. I'd love to hear your thoughts and also make sure you're subscribed to better husband so you don't miss next week's episode. Thanks for being here. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you next time.