You Keep Trying to Fix Her Problems — Here's Why It’s Backfiring

If there's one thing that feels almost universal about men, it's this, we love to fix things. We love a problem, we can get our hands around. We love seeing something broken and figuring out how to repair it. A challenge to overcome, a situation to solve, a system, to improve.

And honestly, that's a good thing. That's something strong about us. It's why we build things. It's why we lead. It's why people rely on us. But for some reason in marriage, that instinct that works almost everywhere else in life is often the exact wrong move.

And the strange part is this, most of us already know that. We've heard it before. Just listen. She doesn't want you to fix it. She just wants you to understand. And yet we still do it.

Maybe it looks like this. You're sitting at the kitchen table, she's telling you something that happened at work or something with the kids, or something that just feels heavy for her, and you can tell that she's emotional and before she's even done talking, your brain is already building a plan. You're thinking about what she should say next time, what she could have done differently, what would make this better or what would solve it.

And you jump in with a suggestion, maybe two, and suddenly her face changes. She gets quiet or frustrated, or she says something like, I don't need you to fix this. And now you're confused because you were trying to help. If you've ever walked away from one of those moments thinking, I was just trying to help why did I make things worse than this episode is for you.

Today, I am gonna give you one simple skill that will completely change that moment. We'll talk about why your instinct to fix actually makes sense, why it's so often backfires when your wife is emotional, and a simple three option response you can use tonight that takes the guessing out of it.

By the end of this episode, you'll know exactly what to say when she's upset without shutting her down, without over-functioning, and most importantly, without having to fix anything. Stick around you. Don't wanna miss this one .

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

[00:02:04] The Fixer Identity

If I had to label myself in the simplest possible way, if I had to boil down my core essence into one word, it would be this: fixer. That's who I've been for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I loved taking things apart, not because I wanted to break them, but because I wanted to understand how they worked.

I wanted to pieces in my hand. I wanted to see the gears, the screws, the wiring, and then I wanted to put it back together better than it was before. In college, I became a mechanical engineer, and that made perfect sense to me. I didn't want theory floating in the air. I wanted parts, tools, systems. I wanted to solve problems that had real world outcomes.

Then I shifted careers and became an EMT working in an ambulance and later a firefighter, which if you think about it, is basically the ultimate fixer job. Something's broken, something's on fire, something's leaking, someone's stuck. You call us, we show up, we assess, we fix, then we go back to the firehouse and do it all over again.

Just a bunch of folks who love to fix problems, and I loved it. There was something deeply satisfying about walking into chaos and walking out with order. About stepping into someone's worst day and being able to do something concrete about it.

So when my marriage started struggling, when things felt tense, disconnected, or broken, my instinct was immediate. All right. I got this. I fix things. That's what I do. If there's a problem, I diagnose it. I find the weak point. I implement the solution. I execute. It's simple. Except it wasn't. Because one of the first shocks I had to face was this, A lot of the things my wife was bringing to me, she didn't want fixed.

She didn't want a faster solution or a better strategy. She didn't want me to optimize her feelings. And I remember feeling confused by that. Like, wait, what do you mean you don't want help? If there's a problem, why wouldn't we solve it?

But I started realizing pretty quickly that every time I went into Mr. Fix it mode, in an emotional moment, something not so great would happen. She would pull back or get frustrated or feel alone.

And then the second wake up call hit me. I couldn't fix this on my own. That one really messed with me because my identity was built around competence, around being capable, around walking into hard situations and handling them. Here I was in the most important relationship of my life, realizing that the very skillset I was most proud of wasn't working.

It was humbling. It forced me to admit something I didn't wanna admit. There is more to marriage than solving problems. Even now, I still love fixing things around the house. I love DIY channels. I love researching how to build something better, gimme a broken appliance on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm happy.

But when my wife comes to me anxious, worried, overwhelmed, unsure, I know I have to take that tool belt off and I have to use a completely different set of skills. That's what we're going to talk about today.

[00:04:52] Why You Go Into Fix Mode

So let's break this down, pun intended, because before we talk about what to do differently, we need to understand why you do this in the first place.

When your wife is emotional or is dealing with a challenge, something happens within you and it's not random. For most of us, emotion feels like a problem that needs resolution because we were trained, directly or indirectly, that when something's off, you fix it. If there's tension, relieve it. If there's discomfort, solve it. If there's a breakdown, repair it.

That's competence, that's leadership, that's being useful, and you love her. You care about her. You don't like seeing her in pain, so when she starts sharing something heavy, your system does what It's always done. It scans for the solution. What should she say next time? What boundaries should she set? What's the practical next step? How do we make this go away?

And here's the deeper part that's sometimes hard to admit. Sometimes you're not just trying to fix it for her. You're trying to fix what's happening inside of you because sitting with somebody else's emotions, especially if it's intense, can be uncomfortable.

So your brain grabs the most familiar tool it has. Fix it. If I can solve it, the tension drops. If I can offer something useful, we're good. If I can improve the situation, I've done my job.

You've likely heard of the nervous system responses of fight or flight. Maybe you've even heard of freeze. But in Relational Life Therapy, we talk about fight, flight or fix. Some guys get defensive, which is fight. Some guys shut down, which is both flight and freeze, and some guys jump straight into solution mode.

That's fix. Fix is just another way of regulating yourself. And here's what's actually happening in those moments. She's not presenting a mechanical problem. She's bringing you an emotional experience. And emotional experiences don't need engineering. They need connection.

I said this before, but let me really anchor this in. Fixing works almost everywhere else in your life. It works at work, it works at the house, it works with money, it works with logistics, so it makes sense that you bring it into your marriage. But marriage, especially emotional moments, plays by different rules. And if you don't understand that shift, you'll keep using the right tool in the wrong moment.

[00:07:10] What She’s Actually Reaching For

So if fixing isn't the right move, what is? When your wife comes to you emotional, most of the time she's not asking for your logic, she's asking for connection. And those are two very different things.

When she's upset about something that happened at work or overwhelmed with the kids, or anxious about a decision, what she's usually reaching for is this, are you with me? Not, can you solve this, but can you sit here with me inside this?

That's a very different request, and if you've never been trained to respond to that kind of request, you'll miss it because connection doesn't look like action.

It doesn't look like productivity. It doesn't look like progress. It looks like listening. Eye contact. Slowing down instead of speeding up. And saying something like that makes sense instead of, here's what you should do.

Now let me give a real life example. Imagine she tells you she felt dismissed in a meeting.

You jump in with, well, next time just say this, or you need to be more direct, or you can't let that bother you. Even if you're right, even if your advice is solid, what she feels in that moment isn't supported. She feels corrected. She feels like her reaction is the problem, like she needs to adjust in order to be more efficient, more strategic, less emotional.

That's what being managed feels like. Being managed feels like someone stepping in and steering you, but being partnered feels like someone's standing next to you. It sounds more like: that would've frustrated me too, or, yeah, I can see how hard that is. Or even just, that sucks.

Here's where a lot of men get tripped up. You think that if you don't fix it, you're being passive. You think if you don't offer a solution, you're not being helpful, or you think your job is to make the problem smaller, but in emotional moments, your job is usually just to make her feel less alone. That's it. Alone is heavier than the problem. And when she feels alone in it, that's when distance shows up.

Now, here's something important. Sometimes she does want help. Sometimes she does want your idea. Sometimes she absolutely wants a solution. But if you skip the question and go straight into solving, you are guessing. And when you guess wrong, that's when her request for connection can turn into conflict.

[00:09:21] The Skill — Ask How to Support Her

So here's what you've been waiting for, what's the right move? But before I give you the question to ask her, let me just slow this down, one more step, because this only works if you've actually listened. And when I say listened, I don't mean you were quiet while she talked. I mean, you were truly with her.

You weren't rehearsing your solution, you weren't scanning for the flaw in her thinking you weren't. Waiting for your turn to jump in. You were tracking what she was feeling. You were attuned to her reality, and there's a big difference between hearing words and hearing emotion.

Let me give you a different example. Maybe she's having issues with her girlfriends and she says, I just feel like I'm the only one who ever reaches out to them. If I don't text first,. I don't hear from anyone. The old pattern would be something like, well then stop texting them. If they cared, they'd reach out, or you're overthinking it, they're probably just busy.

Even if that's logical, it skips right over how she feels. The new pattern is this, I get it. When you're the only one initiating, it feels like they don't really wanna be friends, and then you pause. You let her take it in. You let her add more if she wants to, and maybe she says, yeah, it makes me feel like I'm not really important to them.

And then you stay there. That makes sense. I'd feel the same way. Then and only then you ask the question: is there anything I can do right now to support you? That's it. Not a solution, not an assumption, an invitation. And if she's not sure, you can gently offer three simple options. Three options that I'll start with a letter h. Hand hear or hug. Do you need a hand? Do you just want to be heard? Would you like a hug? Three lanes.

Let me explain. Maybe she does want help. That's hand. Maybe she wants ideas. Maybe she wants you to take something off her plate. Now your fixer brain gets to step in, but it was invited. Maybe she just needs to keep talking.

That's hear. And your job is just to stay, not upgrade the conversation, not correct it just hold space until the emotion settles. Maybe what she needs most is reassurance. That's hug. Physical closeness to feel like you're on the same team. The power isn't, in guessing correctly, the power isn't asking, is there anything I can do right now to support you?

Because when you ask, you stay beside her instead of stepping in front of her, and something in her system relaxes when she feels like she has choice instead of being handled. That's the shift from fixing to supporting.

[00:11:43] What Changes When You Stop Fixing

Now this might feel small, almost too simple, like that's it. That's the skill.

But here's what actually happens when you slow down, acknowledge her experience, and then ask how you can support her instead of jumping in to solve it. First she relaxes, not because the problem disappeared, but because she doesn't feel alone in it. There's something powerful about knowing the person you're married to is with you, not trying to manage you.

Second, you relax because you're no longer scrambling to come up with a perfect answer. You're not responsible for making everything better in the next 30 seconds. Your present and presence is lighter than performance. You just stay in it.

Third, trust builds in small repeated moments. When she knows that when she comes to you emotional, she's not going to get corrected. She's not going to get optimized, not going to get a lecture, but she's going to get a partner.

That's huge. And here's the long-term effect of that. She brings more to you, not less. She doesn't filter herself as much. She doesn't brace before starting a sentence. She doesn't pre-defend her feelings because she trusts that you'll meet her, not fix her. That's how emotional safety grows in a marriage.

[00:12:50] What to Do If You Catch Yourself in Fix Mode

But hey, we're all human and we're not perfect. We're learning a new skill, and sometimes we get it wrong. So let's say you forget. She starts talking. You jump in, you're halfway through your second suggestion before you realize what you're doing. And it happens. And sometimes it happens fast. You don't even notice it until you see it on her face.

The shutdown, the little sigh, that look that says, you're not hearing me. This skill isn't about being perfect, it's just about catching yourself a little bit sooner than you would have before. When you notice it, don't double down. Don't defend it. Don't explain why your solution makes sense. Don't say, I'm just trying to help.

You just pause and you can literally say, hold on, I'm going into fix it mode. I don't wanna do that. That's you owning your part and the impact of it. Then reset. What do you need from me right now? Do you want help solving this? Do you just want me to be with you? Do you need a hug? That's it. No long apology, just awareness and a small correction.

And here's what's powerful about that moment. When she sees you catch yourself, she feels you actually changing. When she sees you adjust, she starts to notice that you're truly trying. That's the path of becoming a better husband. You don't have to nail it every time. You just have to be willing to restart when you miss.

[00:14:02] Awareness. Action. Accountability.

Before we close, I wanna lock this in the way we often do: awareness, action, accountability. Because knowing this skill and actually using it are two very different things.

First, awareness. Here's the question I want you to sit with and answer. When my wife is emotional or comes to me with an issue, what's my first instinct to connect or to fix?

Now be honest. Do you interrupt with a suggestion before she's finished? Do you start explaining what she should have done differently? Do you feel the urge to make the problem smaller instead of letting it be what it is? Do you get frustrated thinking that she's making a big deal outta nothing?

That instinct isn't random. It's your default setting, and if you don't own it clearly, you'll keep running it automatically. Awareness is about catching the pattern early enough to choose something different, because if you don't notice your shift into fix mode, you can't stop it.

Next action. Here's what I want you to practice this week.

One, when she starts sharing something she's going through, take one slow breath before you respond. Not a big sigh or a dramatic breath. Just enough to stop the automatic response to make sure you don't go into your fight, flight, or fix response.

Two, reflect back what you heard in one sentence. What I hear you saying is blank.

Three. Then ask, is there anything I can do right now to support you? If she's unsure, you can offer the three lanes, hand, hear or hug, and then honor the answer. Keep it simple. Connection first, solutions second.

Finally. Accountability, and here's the part most men forget to focus on. You can listen to this episode, nod your head and think, yeah, that makes sense.

But change sticks when you practice it consistently, especially in the moments where your old pattern feels easier. If you want real accountability around this work, learning the skills and actually using them in real conversation, that's exactly what we do inside Better Husband Academy. It's not just ideas, it's practice support and course correction when you miss.

If you're ready to join a community of men doing this work together, go to betterhusbandacademy.com today.

[00:16:06] Connection First. Solutions Second.

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it's this. You don't have to stop being a fixer. You just have to learn when to put that skill down. That part of you, the part that solves, builds, improves repairs. That's not the enemy. It's just not always the first move.

Your wife doesn't always need a solution. She needs to know you are with her. She needs to feel like she's not alone in what she's carrying. And when you slow down, listen, acknowledge what she's feeling, and simply ask how you can support her. You change the tone of that moment. You turn what could have been tension into partnership.

You turn problem solving into connection. That's the move. And if you want this skill written down for you to continue to reference along with two other simple skills I think every husband should know, I put it into a short free, downloadable PDF. You can grab it at betterhusbandtoolkit.com. Print it out, keep it somewhere visible.

Use it because the difference between being a fixer and being a partner is often just one question.

Thanks for being here. You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.