You Can’t Save the Marriage Alone: How to Respond When She Won’t Change

 The Challenge of Unchanged Marriages

If you've listened to several episodes of Better Husband, there's one thing you already know about me, and if you're new, let me say it clearly. In a marriage, both people have a part to play. Both are responsible for the outcome, but my work here and inside Better Husband Academy is about us, the men.

What we do, how we show up, how we shut down, how we clean up our side of the street, because most of the time when we do, the marriage improves. And often when she sees the change, it inspires her to do her work too, if she isn't already way ahead of us. Sometimes that's all it takes for a relationship to begin to heal, but there are exceptions.

Sometimes a man does his part consistently with humility, with strength, and the marriage still doesn't change. Sometimes she stays dismissive, sometimes she becomes abusive. That's what we're going to talk about today. In this episode, I'm going to walk you through what to do when you've shown up differently, but she's unwilling to face her part.

We'll talk about how to draw limits with respect, what fears come up when you do, and why you must be willing to risk the relationship for the sake of change. We'll also name the real cost of not setting those limits, because ignoring it only guarantees more damage. Stick around. This is a unique episode of Better Husband. You don't wanna miss this one.

Understanding the Hard Truths

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now I wanna be clear about something.

Over the years, I've worked with several men who came to me completely lost. They didn't know how to stay open when things got hard. They didn't know how to respond when their wife was upset. They didn't know how to ask for what they needed or how to express their emotion. They were shut down, walled off, defensive, and little by little they did the work.

They learned how to stay grounded, how to breathe instead of react, how to listen without collapsing or lashing out. How to ask for what they needed cleanly and the transformations were incredible. You could feel the difference in the way they carried themselves, in the way they led at home. But sometimes, not always, but sometimes a new question arises.

They've changed. They're consistent. They're showing up day after day, and yet the marriage doesn't feel better. In fact, it becomes painfully clear that their wife is still unwilling or unable to face her part. Some of these men have discovered they're in relationships where the treatment they're receiving is verbally abusive, emotionally degrading, and in some cases physically unsafe.

And let me pause here. I am absolutely clear in my coaching. I do not and will not work with men who are physically abusive or sexually acting out in their marriages. There's no way to build a relational life on that ground. That's a hard stop. But what about when it's the wife who crosses those lines, when she's the one berating throwing things or putting her hands on him?

That's a very difficult and very real situation. Because once a man has learned not to shut down, once he's learned to stay open and grounded, he also has to learn something else. How to confront with loving firmness, how to draw a boundary, how to say this is not acceptable, and back it up with action.

And that's terrifying for a lot of men, but it's also necessary because sometimes drawing that line invites change. It creates a chance for the marriage to heal. And other times if the partner is unwilling to look at her own part, unwilling to get help, maybe even struggling with her own mental health, then the marriage may not last.

This is not about finger pointing. This is not about blaming. Both people always have a part to play, but if you're doing your part, have made significant progress, like real progress, not one good day, but gone through the ups and downs, faced your defects of character, you're losing strategies. And if you've stayed grounded and relational, in the abuse continues, then the question becomes now what?

That's the hard place I wanna explore with you today.

Recognizing Abuse vs. Normal Conflict

If you're still with me on this episode, then you already know what it means to put in the work.

You've stopped making excuses, you've started showing up differently, and you've seen the way that that shift changes the way you feel in your own skin. And that's no small thing. Those are massive shifts. And for many men, that's exactly what starts to turn the marriage around. When you change how you show up, the dynamic changes, she feels the difference.

She responds differently, and connection begins to rebuild. But I also need to say this as clearly as I can.

You Can’t Change Her, Only Yourself

If you're listening right now and you don't feel like you've made that kind of progress yet, then you're not ready for the rest of this episode. This isn't the time for you to focus on what she's doing.

If you haven't learned how to regulate yourself, if you're still defaulting to defensiveness or shutdown, every time conflict appears, if you haven't consistently practiced showing up differently, then your work is still on your side of the street, period. Because what's true is this, you cannot change her.

Stop trying. You'll never out argue her into growth. You'll never criticize her into openness. The only power you have in your marriage is to change yourself and then watch what impact that has on the relationship. So if you're still at the beginning of that journey, that's where you need to stay. Don't use this episode as ammunition.

Don't use it as justification to point fingers. Focus on you, do your part. But if you've done that, if you've been consistent, if you've transformed the way you show up, whether it's working with me, working with a therapist, or doing this work in another space, and if you can look at yourself honestly and say, yes, I've changed in undeniable ways, and the dynamic of my marriage still hasn't moved, then this conversation is for you because now we need to talk about what comes next.

When Her Behavior Crosses the Line

So let's talk about what it looks like when you have done your part. You've stayed grounded. Listen, taken ownership, and the marriage still isn't shifting. For some of the men I've worked with, this is where the painful truth sets in. They starts to realize that what they're experiencing isn't just normal marital conflict anymore.

It's something else. It's their wife crossing the line into mistreatment. And I need to be clear here. Every couple fights, every couple has disagreements. Words get sharp sometimes. People get upset. Emotions run high. That's normal. That's part of being human together. But when it moves into a pattern of constant verbal attacks, name calling, tearing down your worth, when objects get thrown across the room, when hands are laid on you in anger, that's not normal conflict.

That's abuse. Now, I want you to hear this without twisting it into blame. This is not about pointing the finger at her and saying she's the problem. This is about being honest with reality because if you keep minimizing it, if you keep telling yourself, well, everybody fights or it wasn't that bad, you're teaching yourself to tolerate what should never be tolerated.

And I'm going to repeat this from earlier in the episode because it matters. I don't work with men who are physically abusive or sexually acting out in their marriages. That's a hard stop for me. There's no relational ground to build on. If you're harming your wife that way. If that's you, that needs to stop. And if you need help getting the support you need, I will guide you in the right direction. Just send me a message.

But I have worked with men who are on the receiving end of the abuse, men whose wives berate them, belittled them, threaten them, throw things at them, even put their hands on them.

And here's the trap those men often fall into. They excuse it, they downplay it. They say things like, it's not that bad, or I can handle it, or maybe I deserve it, or She's just under a lot of stress and let me be clear. Love doesn't excuse abuse. You can have compassion for her pain and still say no more.

You can see the good in her and still refuse to be mistreated. This is where the real work begins. Because once you're grounded and relational in yourself, the next step is learning to confront with loving firmness, to draw a clear boundary that says, I will not participate in this anymore.

That's the pivot. That's the difference between being endlessly tolerant and being truly relational.

Facing the Three Fears of Confrontation

Now the moment we start talking about drawing boundaries, most men feel a wave of fear, and I get it because confrontation, especially in a marriage where things have gotten tense or even abusive, is terrifying.

There are usually three big fears that come up. The first is, if I stand up for myself, she's going to blow up and attack me. Maybe you've lived through that enough times to believe it's inevitable. The second is, if I confront her, she's going to run. She'll leave, she'll shut me out, she'll withdraw completely, and I'll be abandoned.

And the third is, if I push back, she's going to collapse. She'll break down, she'll fall apart, and I'll be the one who hurt her. And when those fears live in you, it's tempting to just keep quiet, to let things slide, to convince yourself. It's better to avoid the fight than to risk the blow up the shutdown or the breakdown.

But when you let those fears keep you from setting limits, you're just signing up for it to continue over and over, year after year. And every time you stay silent, every time you swallow your truth because you're scared of her reaction, the cost grows.

Your self-respect erodes. The marriage becomes less safe, not more. And if you've got kids, they learn the same pattern, that it's okay to be mistreated or that it's okay to mistreat. So yes, the fear is real, but the greater danger is what happens if you never face it. This is where courage comes in. The courage to risk her reaction, the courage to risk the relationship, because without that, nothing changes, and the longer you wait, the worse it gets.

We'll talk about what that risk really means and how to step into it with loving firmness in this next part of the episode.

The Risk You Have to Take

This is the part most men don't want to hear, but you need to, if you truly want things to change, you have to be willing to risk the relationship. That doesn't mean you walk in threatening divorce. It doesn't mean you use ultimatums as weapons.

But what it does mean is that you get clear inside yourself. I will not tolerate mistreatment anymore. I will not betray myself by staying silent because if you keep avoiding limits because you're afraid of losing her, you're already losing her. You're losing her respect, you're losing intimacy. You're losing the possibility of a real partnership.

The consequences of not setting limits are brutal. The abuse continues. Your dignity erodes, the cycle gets worse. And if you have kids, they grow up inside that environment, learning either to accept abuse or to repeat it. So yes, the risk is real. When you step into loving firmness, she might blow up.

She might threaten to leave, she might collapse, and in some cases the marriage might end. That's the cost of truth. But here's the other side: nothing changes without it. The only chance of real repair of her doing her work of the marriage becoming safe again is if you are willing to hold that line.

I can't do this for you. No coach can. You're the only one who has to look her in the eye and say, I love you and I will not live like this anymore. That's the moment everything shifts, not because it guarantees she'll change, but because it guarantees you are standing in integrity. And from that place, either the relationship grows or it ends.

But either way, you've learned to value yourself. Next, I wanna show you what this actually looks like in action, how you set limits with loving firmness, not contempt, and how you use tools like the timeout checklist to draw a line without escalating the fight.

The First Loving Confrontation: The Time-Out

If you've been listening closely, you've noticed a pattern in this episode. Everything I've been talking about is leading you towards one thing, the willingness to confront, not with rage, not with contempt, but with loving firmness. And here's where you can start. One of the very first loving confrontations you may need to have is simply this, bringing the idea of a timeout to your wife.

That may sound small, but for a lot of men it feels huge because you're saying out loud, the way we fight isn't working, we need a different way. That alone is a confrontation. It's not blaming, it's not shaming, but it's holding up a mirror and saying, I want us to do better. The timeout checklist is the tool I recommend for this.

It's a relational agreement that says when things get too heated, we will both respect the pause. We will both step back and we will both come back when we're grounded. Here's what that conversation might sound like. My love. Sometimes things between us get heated.

Sometimes I don't handle it well, and sometimes you don't either. And I don't want either of us saying or doing things we'll regret. So I'd like us to use this timeout tool. I'll share the checklist with you. We'll walk through it together, and if either of us calls a timeout, we agree to honor it. How does that sound?

Now that conversation alone is an act of relational leadership. It's you taking the risk to say, no more yelling matches. No more staying in the fire until we burn each other down. I want a better way, and let me be blunt. If she won't agree to that, if she mocks it, dismisses it, refuses to even consider it.

That tells you something important about whether she's willing to work with you on this marriage. But if she does agree. If she's willing to at least try, then you've just planted the seed of a new pattern. You've just created a shared safety valve. You've given your marriage a chance to stop the cycle before it does more damage.

The steps are simple. If one of you calls a time out, it's non-negotiable. It happens. You say when you'll come back, you take the time you need for yourself. Also checking in periodically with each other. You actually come back at the agreed upon time and you come back to each other grounded. It won't be perfect.

The first few times may feel awkward, even clumsy. You might come back and everything blows up again. But done consistently, it offers the opportunity for change. So your next move is this. Download the Timeout checklist from the Better Husband Toolkit. You can get it at betterhusbandtoolkit.com or click the link in the show notes, review it carefully.

Share it with your wife. Ask her to walk through it with you. Make the agreement together. That conversation, that first loving confrontation is your way of saying, I will not settle for the old cycle. I'm leading us towards something different.

When Nothing Changes

So what happens if you've done it all? If you've cleaned up your side of the street, you've shown up differently, consistently.

You've drawn your boundaries with loving firmness. You've used the timeout tool, you've refused to retaliate or collapsed, and still. Nothing changes. This is the hardest reality to face because a lot of men hope that once they do the work, once they shift, the way they show up, their wife will soften, will respond, will meet them in the middle.

And many times that's exactly what happens, but not always. Sometimes she refuses to look at her own parts. Sometimes she's unwilling to get help or to acknowledge the impact of her behavior. Sometimes untreated mental health issues are in play, and sometimes she simply chooses not to change. That's when you're faced with a bottom line.

You cannot create a healthy, connected marriage all by yourself. You can be the best version of yourself, and if the person across from you is committed to staying abusive, there is no marriage to save. And I don't say that lightly. I know what's at stake. I know what it cost to face the possibility of separation, of divorce, of stepping into an unknown future, but the greater cost is staying in a cycle of harm.

The greater cost is sacrificing your dignity, your safety, your soul, just to avoid loss. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for her, for yourself, for your children, if you have them, is to refuse to participate in the abuse any longer. To risk the relationship, not out of cruelty, but out of integrity.

If you can honestly say you've tried everything and I mean everything, then you can trust that you're not giving up. What you are actually doing is standing in the truth that a marriage only works if both people are willing to do their part, and if she won't, then your work may be to face that reality with courage and to choose a different path forward.

Action Steps for This Week

If you're finding yourself in the situation that I've described in this episode, here are your action steps for this week: one, write down your non-negotiables. Take five minutes and put it on paper. What behaviors will you no longer tolerate in your marriage?

Be specific. Is it name calling, is it yelling, throwing things, physical intimidation. Get it crystal clear. Number two, practice your timeout script. Print it out, share it with your wife, practice it together. Say it out loud. Let the words leave your mouth so it doesn't feel foreign when the moment comes.

Number three, share your bottom line with someone you trust. A close friend, a mentor, a coach, a therapist. Do this so you're not carrying it alone. And number four, decide on your support. If the marriage doesn't change, what's your next move? Is it therapy? Couples counseling, coaching, legal advice, a safety plan.

Get real about what you'll need.

Reflection Questions to Consider

Here are a few reflection questions you can contemplate or even journal on that help you through this process. Where have I been tolerating behavior that crosses my line? Which fear stops me most from setting limits: being attacked, being abandoned or hurting her? What's the personal cost of staying silent?

What's the cost to my kids if I keep modeling this pattern? If I were willing to risk the relationship, what would I say or do differently this week?

Final Takeaway: Loving Firmness

Here's what I want you to take away from this episode. You can do your part. You must do your part, but doing your part does not mean tolerating mistreatment.

Loving firmness means staying grounded, staying open and saying, with clarity, I will not live like this anymore. That moment may feel like the scariest risk of your life, but the greater risk is what happens if you never take it.

Either the marriage begins to change or you reclaim your dignity and integrity by refusing to keep the cycle alive. Both paths are better than staying silent.

If what I've talked about today describes where you're at, go to better husband toolkit.com and download the free Better Husband Toolkit. Like I mentioned earlier, inside, you'll find the timeout checklist and if your marriage needs boundaries right now, that checklist is where you start.

And if you want to go further, if you want support as you practice Loving Firmness, join me Inside Better Husband Academy. That's where we walk through these tools together week after week. Thanks for sticking with me on this difficult topic. If you have questions, reach out to me via email. You can find my contact info in the show notes.

I'm Angelo Santiago. You're listening to Better Husband, and I'll see you on the next one.