The Secret to Handling Your Wife’s Emotions Without Feeling Overwhelmed

Introduction: Understanding Emotions in Marriage

Have you ever found yourself at a loss when your wife is upset or emotional? When that happens, are you unsure of how to respond or what she needs? Many of us have been there, feeling totally lost when it comes to emotions in our relationships, but what if the key to understanding our wives lies in first understanding ourselves?

In today's episode, we'll explore the profound connection between understanding our own emotions and connecting deeply with our wives. I'm going to share with you the seven core emotions you need to get to know as a man, discuss why many men hesitate to engage with their feelings, and offer practical steps to begin embracing the full range of our emotional experiences.

By the end, you'll have simple, practical steps to help you connect with your wife on a deeper level and feel more comfortable with emotions in your marriage. I know for a lot of men this can be an uncomfortable or a charged subject, but if you want to be a better husband, there's no avoiding your emotions.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and today we're diving into a topic that can change the way you connect with your wife.

My Personal Struggles with Emotions

I can look back at my marriage and remember so many times when my wife would come to me upset and I would have no idea what to do. She'd be sad or frustrated or overwhelmed and I'd freeze. My brain would shut down and I'd scramble for an escape. Maybe I'd change the subject, try to solve the problem as quickly as possible, or just go quiet and hope it passed.

Now I wasn't trying to be distant. I just felt completely uncomfortable. You see, growing up, emotions weren't something we talked about in my family. If you were upset, you just dealt with it on your own. I never learned how to sit with difficult feelings, and when my wife brought them to me, I had no clue how to respond.

So I did what many men do. I pulled back. And over time, she felt it. She started coming to me less and less, and eventually, we drifted apart.

The Impact of Suppressing Emotions

Now, one of the first things I learned when I started doing men's work was that I wasn't alone. So many men are raised to suppress emotions, to see them as a problem to fix or avoid, and that conditioning follows us in marriage.

Research backs this up. Study shows that boys receive less emotional coaching than girls, which impacts their ability to process emotions as adults. If you're listening to this and you can relate, let me say it again. You are not alone. This is something men everywhere struggle with, and marriages are suffering because of it.

Too many wives feel like they can't turn to their husbands for emotional support, not because their husbands don't care, but because they simply don't know how. But here's the good news. This is something you can learn. Just like any other skill, emotional presence and awareness can be developed. And doing so can transform not just your marriage, but your entire life.

It wasn't until I started understanding my own emotions that I could finally show up for my wife. I didn't shut down anymore. I didn't panic when she got emotional. I learned to ask the right questions, to be present instead of trying to fix, and our marriage completely changed because of it. And that's exactly what I want to help you with today.

If you've ever felt stuck, unsure of how to handle your wife's emotions, or even frustrated by them, again, you're not alone. The good news is there's a way forward.

The Seven Core Emotions

Up next, I'm going to break down 7 core emotions you need to know and why understanding them will completely shift the way you connect with your wife.

Stick with me. This is where it all starts to make sense.

In relational life therapy, which is the basis of my men's marriage and relational coaching, we identify seven primary emotions. Anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, and love. These emotions are fundamental to the human experience, yet many of us learn to suppress or ignore some or all of them. So by recognizing and naming these feelings, we can begin to understand ourselves better and in turn, connect more deeply with our partners.

Why Men Struggle With Emotions

Now, from a young age, a lot of us were told things like, Man up, stop crying, or don't be soft. We learned early on that showing emotion wasn't okay. And by the time we become adults, we've spent years pushing our feelings down. And that doesn't just go away when we get married. Instead, it can make us feel disconnected, not just from our wives, but sometimes from ourselves.

We might not even realize we're doing it, but avoiding emotions makes it harder to be fully present in our relationships. If we don't allow ourselves to feel, how can we really understand what our wives are feeling? On top of that, many boys grew up in environments where emotions aren't even talked about, And over time, we learned to shut them down completely.

This emotional numbing carries into adulthood, making it harder to be open and present in our marriage. And it's not that we don't care, is that we were never taught how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards change. When we push down our emotions, they don't just disappear.

Instead, we find ways to avoid them. Whether it's working too much, or scrolling on our phones, or drinking, or zoning out in front of the TV, these things might take the edge off for a moment, but they don't solve anything. Over time, this avoidance creates distance not just from our own emotions, but from our wives.

The real work isn't about getting rid of emotions. It's about learning to face them in a healthy way. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about next.

Practical Steps to Build Emotional Awareness

Now that we've unpacked why emotions can feel so uncomfortable, let's go over some practical steps you can take to start building emotional awareness and connection in your marriage. If you've ever thought, I want to be better at this, but I don't even know where to start.

This is for you. I'm going to walk you through some simple, practical steps that will help you start building emotional awareness and connection without feeling like you need to become a totally different person overnight. These aren't complicated, but they do take consistency. And if you commit to even one or two of these, you're going to see a shift in your marriage.

The first step I want you to consider is acknowledging all of your emotions. I want you to understand that emotions aren't good or bad, they're not positive or negative, they just simply exist. And by accepting them without judgment, we can begin to process and express them healthily. Next, number two, I want you to consider daily emotional check ins.

I want you to set aside moments throughout your day to pause and ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? This practice can help you become more tuned to your emotional state. Remember the seven core emotions. Anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, and love. Naming them in the moment can help you better understand what's going on inside you and make it easier to connect with your wife when she's feeling something big too.

Now, the next step is journaling. You can take a few minutes each day to write down what you're feeling. It doesn't have to be long, just a couple sentences about what's on your mind, and this can help you make sense of your emotions and notice patterns over time. The more you do it, the easier it gets to recognize what's really going on inside you.

Next, I want you to consider seeking support. Think about joining a men's group or talking to a therapist. Having a space where you can talk about your emotions without judgment can help you just get more comfortable with them. Hearing other men's experiences can also make it feel less overwhelming and remind you, once again, that you're not alone in this.

And the last step I want to offer you is actually communicating with your partner. Talking to your wife about your emotions is a big step. And it's okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. When you do, let her know that this is new for you. If you're nervous, say that. Tell her you're doing this because you want to feel closer to her.

Also, make sure she's in a good space to receive what you're about to share. Being open like this is vulnerable, but it can help build trust and bring both of you closer together.

And if this feels like a lot, that's okay. Growth takes time and no one expects you to master this overnight. The fact that you're even thinking about this, that you're willing to try is already a big step forward. Pick one or two of these action items and take a few steps forward at a time.

Recap and Final Thoughts

We've covered a lot today. We talked about my own struggles with emotions and how that impacted my marriage. We looked at how boys are raised to suppress emotions and why that makes emotional connection difficult for so many men. And we also explored emotional numbing and how we distract ourselves instead of dealing with what we feel.

But most importantly, we went through practical steps you can take right now to start embracing your own emotions and becoming more present for your wife. If you only take away a couple things from this episode, let it be these. First, the seven core emotions you need to get familiar with. Again, they're anger, joy, pain, fear, guilt, shame, and love.

Learning to recognize and name these in yourself will help you better understand what your wife is feeling too. Second, the practical steps to start making a change. First, acknowledge that you actually do have emotions whether you consider them positive or negative.

Accept them without judgment. Next, check in with yourself daily and name what you're feeling. Next, take some time to journal every day to start noticing patterns in your emotional experience. You can also seek support, whether from a men's group, or a coach, or a therapist. And finally, start talking about your emotions with your wife, even if it's new and uncomfortable.

Again, it's not about changing who you are overnight. It's about taking small, intentional steps. Maybe today you start by simply checking in with yourself and naming what you're feeling. Maybe this week you practice listening to your wife without jumping into fix. Whatever step you take, know that it matters.

Growth happens little by little. So if this episode resonated with you, I encourage you to take some action. Don't just listen, apply what you've learned. I would also want to invite you to sign up for my weekly newsletter at angelosantiago. com where I share insights and practical reminders to help you be a better husband.

You don't have to do this alone. Keep showing up, keep learning, and I promise your marriage will change for the better. Thanks for being here with me. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.