The Secret to Ending Arguments in Your Marriage: Yield, Don’t Defend

Introduction: The Impact of Defensiveness in Marriage

Have you ever been in a conversation with your wife where she's upset with something you did or didn't do, and your first instinct is to jump in and defend yourself? Maybe she's telling you she feels disconnected or that you're not spending enough time together, and your first thought is to explain all the ways in which you've been trying or how busy you've been.

Here's what I want you to know today. Defensiveness is the fastest way to shut down a real conversation and widen the gap between you and your wife. What if instead of defending, you could respond in a way that invites more connection? What if you could put down the need to defend and take a moment to truly open up to her experience and accept that she needs something from you?

And what would that do for your marriage? Today we're going to be talking about letting go of defensiveness and being fully present for your partner's experience and how that can transform your marriage. By the end of this episode, you'll have practical tools to handle those hard conversations with generosity, empathy, and care.

I want you to stick with me because this is one of the most important skills you can develop as a husband. So, let's get going.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, How can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and today we're diving into a skill that can completely shift the dynamic of your marriage. Learning to yield. not defend. We'll explore what it means to put your partner's experience first, why defensiveness destroys connection and how you can listen with compassion even when it's hard.

And here's the best part. When your wife feels heard, she's more likely to be open to your experience too. But if you want to be that better husband, you've got to go first.

Understanding a Common Problem: Tension Over Time and Presence

So let me start with a story that I think will resonate with a lot of you. It's about one of the most common issues I see in marriages and one of the most destructive ones.

I hear this issue so often that I think every single couple faces it. Tension over time and presence. One person may say something like, You're always working and I feel like we never spend time together anymore. Meanwhile, the other feels like they're doing everything they can to provide for the family or the marriage, often sacrificing their own time and energy.

And yet, instead of feeling appreciated for it, They feel criticized. And what happens next? Well, resentment starts to build on both sides. For example, maybe the husband thinks, doesn't she see everything I'm doing for us? Meanwhile, the wife feels lonely and uncherished and disconnected. She wonders, doesn't he see how much I miss him?

The more these feelings go unaddressed, or worse, turn into arguments, the greater the distance becomes.

What Batman Can Teach Us About Relationships

This dynamic reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies, and no, it's not a romantic comedy or some sappy love story. It's The Dark Knight Rises. I'm a big fan of Christopher Nolan, and every once in a while, it's fun to talk movies instead of marriage. But hear me out. Bruce Wayne's relationship with Alfred mirrors this relational problem.

Alfred is deeply concerned about Bruce's well being. He sees that Bruce is sacrificing himself in every way and tries to help by urging him to step back. Instead of hearing Alfred's love and concern, Bruce becomes defensive. He says, you're just afraid I'm going to fail. All right. Sorry for that Batman voice, but I had In that moment, Bruce makes the conversation all about himself.

His pain, his sense of betrayal, his need to justify his actions, and by doing so, he completely dismisses Alfred's perspective. Alfred ends up leaving Wayne Manor because he feels unheard and unvalued, and this is the exact dynamic I see play out in so many marriages. Imagine your wife comes to you and says, I feel like we don't spend any time together anymore.

And your response is, I'm working hard so we can have a good life. Why don't you appreciate that? It's a defense that doesn't address her concern. And to her, it might even come across as selfish or dismissive, which let's be honest, it is.

The Opportunity: Yielding Instead of Defending

But here's the opportunity. What if instead of defending yourself, you chose to yield?

What if instead of making about you, you made it about her? Let's talk about how to do that right now.

So, how do you yield instead of defending? It starts with a mindset shift. When your wife comes to you with a complaint or a concern, your first priority should be her experience, not your defense. And I'll be the first to admit that this is hard to do. As men, we hear complaint and we interpret it as criticism.

What I'm asking you to do is hear complaint and interpret it as a request. Here's a quote from one of my mentors, Terry Real, that I often share with my clients. If you're working at an appliance repair store and a customer comes in to your service window and says their microwave doesn't work, they don't want to hear from you that your toaster doesn't work.

If you respond to your wife's pain with your own grievances, it's not going to go well. Instead, your job needs to be to focus fully on her experience. Ask yourself, what is she feeling right now? What does she need from me in this moment? One of my current clients shared with me that his wife describes it as a pipe leaking in the sink.

That when something is going wrong, you can either walk into that kitchen and see the pipe leaking and decide, you know what, I'm going to focus on the light bulb because that's burnt out and I got to take care of that and I don't like it being dark in here instead of. this other thing that's going on that might be more important.

Practical Steps to Yielding

I want to give you four steps to help you with this idea of yielding instead of defending. And the first one, and you've heard me say it a lot on this podcast before, is listening. Listen without defending. When your wife is upset, don't interrupt. Don't justify. Don't explain. Instead, tune into her experience.

Reflect back what you hear. For example, I hear that when I don't prioritize date nights, it makes you feel unimportant and disconnected from me. Number two, I want you to be able to ask questions and not just any question, ask empathic questions. A simple but powerful question is, is there anything I can do or say right now to make you feel better?

And that last part, right now, is key. It shows that you're focused on the immediate repair and her emotional needs in the moment. If she starts bringing up things from the past, gently help bring her back to the now. Is there anything I can do or say right now to make you feel better? Number three, be of service.

When your wife is in a state of disrepair, your job is to be of service to her. And this doesn't mean ignoring your own needs forever. It means prioritizing hers in that moment to rebuild connection. And the next step, trust the process. Once your wife feels fully heard and supported, she'll often become more open to hearing your perspective. This is a part of the process, but the sequence matters yield first, then share.

I'll say it again. This isn't easy at first. Letting go of defensiveness can feel vulnerable. You might worry that if you don't defend yourself, your perspective won't matter. But let me just say it again, when your wife feels fully heard and supported, she's far more likely to be open to your experience too. You have to take turns, and to be a better husband, you get to go first in being of service. to her. Over time, these small moments of yielding and connecting will strengthen your marriage in ways you may not be able to imagine right now.

Exercises to Strengthen Your Marriage

And so as you move towards that, I wanna give you a couple practical exercises for you to flex the muscle of being able to yield without defending. And you can use these exercises in an argument or a conflict or just in everyday life whenever you're having conversation, having some coffee, around the dinner table, whatever it is.

So, let's wrap up with these exercises.

The first one is an empathy practice. The next time your wife shares something that upsets her, even if it has nothing to do with you, maybe it's something that happened at work, maybe it's something going on with her parents or the kids, pause and ask, is there anything I can do or say right now to make you feel better?

Then listen. to her response and give as much as you can. Be generous. And this is a great way to practice that asking how you can support her and for her to practice actually telling you what it is that she needs in that moment. And again, It doesn't have to be about you. You can be an empathic husband about all the things in your partner's life, and that is going to strengthen your marriage.

Don't wait until it's a conflict or a fracture between the two of you. The next practice is, again, back to listening. In your next conversation, focus on reflecting back what your wife says. Again, it doesn't have to be an argument or a conflict or something bad going on. Just maybe she's excited about something.

Maybe, uh, something happened that she wanted to share with you. This simple act of reflecting back what she said to her is something that can make her feel better. truly understood, whether it's a disagreement or something she's excited about. And finally, the next practice is the practice of yielding first.

The next time you feel defensive, challenge yourself to pause. Take a breath. Remind yourself that your role in the moment where your wife is in disrepair is to prioritize the moment. her experience. Your time to share will come later and maybe you need somebody else to talk to to share your experience.

So just like unload a little bit and that's where having a coach like myself or a therapist or just a good friend that you can talk to and just release anything that you're holding on to can also help.

Conclusion: Building Trust and Connection

Let me leave you with this. When your wife comes to you with a concern or a complaint, remember that your instinct to defend is natural But it's not helpful. Yielding is about stepping into her experience with empathy and care, and when you do, you're not just resolving conflict, you're building trust, connection, and more love in your marriage.

If you're ready to dive deeper into this work, download my book, Free Better Husband Toolkit at betterhusbandtoolkit. com. In it, I share practical tools to help you show up as the husband you want to be. Thank you for joining me on Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.