The One Question That Will Reduce Conflict in Your Marriage

Introduction: The Key Question During Conflict

When conflict arises in your marriage, is the next thing that comes out of your mouth going to help or hurt your relationship? You see, too often we react without thinking, and those words we blurt out can often create damage that's hard to undo. But what if you could pause, reflect, and respond in a way that actually strengthens your marriage?

Today, we're going to explore the one question you absolutely need to ask yourself during conflict. Is what I'm about to say going to help or or hurt my marriage. And I'm going to give you a simple four step framework to guide you in making the best decision possible.

This is a skill that so many of us husbands struggle with. And it's also a pretty simple one that you can master with a little bit of practice. So stick around. You're not going to want to miss this.

I'm going to go.

Welcome to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and this is the podcast all about helping you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? Today, we're talking about conflict, something every marriage experiences, even mine, but how we handle it can make the difference between a thriving relationship and one that's constantly on edge.

A Quick Story About Marital Conflict

Let me start with a story about a friend of mine. He and his wife were having a disagreement about how to handle their teenage son's curfew. My friend felt strongly that their son needed stricter boundaries to stay on track academically and socially. But his wife, on the other hand, wanted to give their son more freedom, and to make his own choices, and to learn from his own mistakes.

They were both really passionate about what they thought was right for their son, and it started to turn into a heated argument. But then my friend paused for a moment, and he thought about what did he really want. He realized that it wasn't just about the curfew, it was about ensuring that their son grew into a responsible man.

He also acknowledged what his wife wanted. She wasn't being lenient for the sake of it, she wanted their son to feel trusted and supported by his parents.

Together, they sat down and they talked about it, and they looked at what was best for their family. And they used this four step method that I'm going to teach you to decide what to do.

This approach really helped them avoid a continuous, endless fight, and allowed them to show their son that they were united as parents.

But this podcast isn't about parenting. This is just an example of how this framework can be used to help you communicate in your marriage. Because the argument can be about absolutely anything. It can be about the vacation you want to take, or where you want to go out to dinner, or how to take care of things around the house, or what does it look like to have date nights, or really bigger issues that you are having with your wife.

The CALM Method

So the four step process, I gave it an easy acronym to help you remember. It's called CALM, C A L M. It's a four step process to help you handle conflict with your wife in a way that builds trust and connection instead of creating distance or more arguments. And here's how it works.

Step 1: Clarify What You Want

C stands for clarify what you want. Before you say anything, before you start getting heated over an argument, get really, really clear on your own desires. What is it that you're really asking for?

This can be really challenging for us men in so many ways because sometimes we are so stuck on what we want that we fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, and we don't listen to any other opinions. We are all about being right. The thing that I thought of is the best thing, so that's what we're gonna do. But another issue is the complete opposite that I also see so many of my clients facing and that is being passive Just going along to get along right too often We default to what we think our partner wants or just go along with it to avoid any conflict whatsoever But being passive doesn't serve you or your marriage.

Your wife doesn't want a passive partner She wants someone who is clear and grounded

So, before you get to the next step, you have to take a moment with yourself. And for the example with my friend, you know, why was it so important for him to think that his son needed structure and boundaries and limits that he had to enforce?

I invited him to take a look at that and that may have included looking at his own childhood. What did his parents do for him? It could have been either way. Maybe his parents were super strict and he sees that as what got him where he is today, the success that he has. Or maybe his parents were so lenient that he got away with anything.

He got himself into trouble in things that were really challenging for him to overcome and return back to what he now sees as a healthy way of living. Behind every decision, there is the opportunity to go that level deeper and understand your rationale behind things.

And this is where having the support of really close friends, or a coach, or a therapist, or somebody you trust, to guide you in that exploration.

And if you're on the other side of that spectrum, where you are just kind of going through life as a participant of everything that happens to you and you're not making any actions, you're not deciding on what it is that you really want, I'm going to challenge you a little bit here.

For you to create not only the marriage that you want, but the life that you want, you have to step up. You have to lean into the discomfort of realizing like, Oh yeah, I do have needs and wants, and I have to get clear on those and start asking this question, like, why are those needs and wants so important?

But again, it's not about just knowing your needs and wants because a marriage is a relationship. You are working with somebody else, you are living with somebody else, and not just anybody else. This isn't a co worker. This is the person that you love, the person that you want to have an intimate, romantic relationship with, hopefully for the rest of your life.

Step 2: Acknowledge Your Wife's Wants

And so that brings us to the second step of calm, A, acknowledge what your wife wants.

Take the time to really listen to her without judgment. Let her say everything she believes. Let her share all her stories of why this is important to her. Maybe she's already taken that clarification step and she can really share it with you. And without you, being defensive or argumentative, just listen.

Get really aware of what is she asking for. Can you also put yourself in her shoes and understand why this matters to her? This is an opportunity for even deeper connection where you get to learn more about her in this process.

And when you're able to do that with an open heart and really loving her through listening. This step becomes about empathy. It's about showing her that her feelings and her desires are valid, even if they don't immediately make any sense to you.

So you've gotten clear on what you want and why you want it and are able to communicate that in a calm manner. Again, that's why this word is so important. And you're now aware of what she wants.

Step 3: Look at What's Best for the Marriage

So that brings us to L. And L is all about looking at what's best for the marriage. And this is the crucial step where you move beyond you versus me and you think about us.

what I want to be very clear on here, and I'll probably say this again later on this episode, is that this is about finding harmony, connection, and building trust in your marriage. It's not about sacrifice. Again, your wife does not want you to just give in to absolutely everything that she wants 100 percent of the time, even though that's like a misconception that's honestly always out there.

Happy wife, happy life. Just do everything that she wants and it's going to go well. It's not. True, this is about understanding each other and finding a middle ground that works for both of you and sometimes Yes, it does mean letting go of your own preferences for what's best for the marriage But this means that sometimes for your wife, it'll be the same thing.

And when that happens, it's really important for both of you to acknowledge that the other person has opened up a little bit. The other person has considered that their way may not be the best way. That even though you have this strong desire that this is the way to go, I'm willing to explore what it would be like to make another decision.

This is all about leading with love and prioritizing the marriage.

Step 4: Manage the Outcome and Let Go of Control

And an important part of this step is also the next step, which is M, which is managing the outcome and letting go of control. Being willing to realize that your expectations of how this is going to turn out may not be the way it turns out. And so how do you choose to respond to that? Do you wanna just let it go and be like, Fine, we'll do it your way, and then have all this resentment build up, and then you're just going to be looking for every possible way in which this decision didn't work out so that you can say, I told you so, or you can hold that grudge, or so that next time you feel like you have some leverage of like, Oh, well, we did this thing that way, so why are we gonna do it this way over this other thing?

That does not work. The only thing that will do is create this festering experience of where you are once again fighting with each other about who is right and who is wrong.

You could do an absolutely amazing job at sharing your needs and desires and wants and being calm and open hearted about it and really feel like you've explained it very well, but things don't turn out your way. So you cannot control how your wife is going to respond, but you can control on how you show up to what happens next.

This is all about speaking with kindness and respect and letting go of needing things to go exactly your way. You have to trust the process and know that marriage is the long game. You're in this for your life, you're in this for each other, and at times the pendulum will swing in different directions, but what you're looking for is that level of deep connection

Personal Story: Navigating Christmas Conflict

Let me share another story, and this one is personal because this is about me and my wife. And this is how we navigated a recent conflict leading up to this Christmas, which is right around the corner.

I felt very strongly that I wanted to teach our son that Christmas isn't about the material things. It isn't about all the presents and all the stuff that you're getting, but it's about giving. It's about showing love.

My wife, on the other hand, although she didn't disagree with what I was saying, she wants to give him lots of presents and she wants to recreate this magic of Christmas that she felt as a child of opening presents on Christmas morning and just that joy and excitement of being a little kid and all of that was really important to her.

first I felt like we were at an impasse. I felt like, well, if I give in to what she wants, then it's going to go exactly against what it is that I believe. And so I kind of fought it and it was just uncomfortable. We didn't have a, a screaming match because that's not what we do.

But there was tension. tension, uncomfortable tension that we, we found bled into other aspects of our marriage. This thing's like, well, we're disagreeing on this. And it ended up being like a tit for tat or we were just disagreeing on a lot of things.

But then luckily I remembered the importance of this calm method and I started to work the steps with her so she understood it as well.

First, I clarified to myself why I thought it was so important to not do a whole bunch of gifts and to really emphasize what I felt was the deeper meaning of Christmas and why I thought it was important for our son to learn that as well. I reflected back on my experience growing up as a child and why this was maybe something that I didn't feel in my family and why as a father now I think it's important to raise my son in this way.

And then, feeling very heard about what I said to her, she got to share what she wanted. She expressed her love to create these magical memories for our son. She also validated what I was feeling and shared her belief of the importance of those ideals for Christmas giving as well.

So, when we looked at what was best for our family, we realized it didn't have to be one or the other. It couldn't be like, okay, just one Christmas gift and we just emphasize the importance of giving. And it didn't have to be just give, give, stuff, stuff, stuff, and forget about what this holiday means to us and our And that's when we came up with ideas where both could happen in a really successful way. We decided how many gifts we wanted to give and that were meaningful, that were also exciting and joyful for him, but also what opportunities we wanted to create to teach him about giving.

We talked about writing cards and sending them to our extended family members who don't live near us. We talked about, , giving gifts to his teachers, and also taking care of people who are in need, who don't have the opportunity to receive gifts.

In the end, we both came out of it with this realization that it wasn't about who was right. It wasn't about which one of us had the best idea or the right idea. It was about working as a team to come to a calm resolution to this conflict, where we both felt heard, where we both felt like we were making the best decision for our family.

And then letting go of this idea that. If anything doesn't work about this, then it's the other person's fault that work.

So hopefully with that example, you get an idea of how this can work for you. And so I want you to try this for yourself.

Practical Exercise: Applying the CALM Method

Here's a practical exercise that you can try today.

I want you to think about a recent conflict you've had with your wife, or maybe one that's going on right now. And I want you to reflect on these three questions. Number one, what did you want in that situation? Or if it's happening right now, what is it that you really want in this situation?

Number two, what did your wife want or what does she still want that she hasn't gotten? And why do you think that's important to her if you haven't heard those answers from her?

Now understanding both those things, I want you to reflect on the question, What would have been or what can yet be the best for your marriage?

Now, if this is a conflict that has happened in the past, I want you to imagine how you could have approached it differently using the calm method, or if it's happening right now, really think about how you want to have that conversation using these techniques, And even practice saying it out loud to yourself, even role play it with a trusted friend,

Like any skill you develop in your life, the more you practice it, the more natural it'll feel the next time you have to use it. And the more you practice, the less you're gonna have to be thinking about like, wait, what was the L for? What do I, what am I supposed to do next?

So again, those questions, what did you want in the situation, in the conflict? What was your deep desire? And even explore a little bit of a why, why was this so important to you? Next, what did your wife want? Did you actually hear her out? Did you understand why she wanted it and the feelings that were associated for her?

And lastly, what would have been the best outcome for your marriage now knowing both of these two things? And then finally what would you need to do to let go of the outcome to make a decision that would be best for your marriage and then trust that you will learn from that experience whether it turns out perfectly and everyone's happy or if in making That decision you realize like oh new issues have come up.

This is what marriage is all about. It's about harmony Disharmony and repair, right? This is always going to be how things flow in your marriage It's not about everything being perfect and harmonious all the time. That is not a Realistic expectation. It's also not being stuck in disharmony where things are just broken and you're unhappy and you're resentful And you're not communicating well And it's about using repair techniques that you can learn here on better husbands and so many other places to come back to harmony You The calm method being one of those repair techniques.

Conclusion: Building Connection Through CALM

Remember the next words you say in conflict can either build connection or cause harm by using the calm method. You can lead your marriage with clarity, empathy, and intention.

And if you want to talk to me about your last conflict and how you could have used this calm method in it, feel free to send me a message. You can text me or email me using the links in the show notes or set up a free 30 minute consultation to chat with me about it, about how you could have resolved it and what that would have done for your marriage.