The Hidden Danger of Settling for ‘Good Enough’—And How to Keep Growing Together

The Campfire Metaphor: Why Marriage Needs Tending

A couple weeks ago I was out camping with my family. We'd set up camp, the sun was dropping, and I got the job of building the fire.

And there's nothing like watching those first flames catch. You stack it, right? You give it air and get the heat going, and for a while it feels unstoppable. But every time I do it, I'm reminded of one very important thing. It doesn't matter how strong the fire is in that moment, if you stop tending to it, it starts to die.

And marriage is the same way. You can put in the work and feel the warmth come back, see the connection grow. But if you think you can just let it run on autopilot, you're going to wake up one day and realize the fire's not what it used to be. Today we're gonna talk about why you can't just do the work when things are bad, and why the real growth happens after crisis, and the important ways you can keep your marriage strong right now and forever.

If things are good right now or if you're in the middle of a tough season, this episode is going to help you lock into a way forward. Stick around. Let's get started.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband?

I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

From Crisis to Stronger Connection: A Client’s Story

Now, I've been working with a client for almost a year now. When he first came to me, things were bad, and we're not talking about we had a rough week bad, but are we even going to make it bad?

Every conversation we had early on was led by that question, will this marriage even survive?

But he leaned in, he showed up, he did the work, and slowly the tone of our calls change. The arguments at home didn't escalate like before. They started having moments of laughter. Again, they were talking not just about bills and logistics, but about each other. And eventually the marriage started to feel solid again.

The connection was back. The tension was lower. And right there, that's where a lot of men stop. They see progress. They breathe a sigh of relief, and they think, okay. We're good. Now I can step back. . But he didn't. He knew the work had paid off and the results were in, but he also knew it wouldn't keep itself going without tending. So we kept working, not as often as before, but consistently we kept a rhythm of check-ins, kept building new skills, kept catching the small patterns before they turned into big problems.

And today he's not just out of the danger zone, he's in a stronger, more connected marriage than they ever had because he didn't mistake. Things are good for the work is done.

The Danger of Coasting After Progress

There's a pattern I see all the time. A man hits a breaking point in his marriage. He feels the distance, he feels her pulling away.

So he decides to do something about it. He shows up differently, he listens more, keeps his temper in check. He starts leading instead of reacting and it works, the marriage starts to feel better. But then the old reflex kicks in, he relaxes, slips back into autopilot, and before he realizes it, he's right back where he started.

And here's the truth, we're never done with relational growth. It's not a box you check off or a skill you master once and forget. It's more like staying in shape if you stop showing up. It doesn't matter how strong you were three months ago in marriage, the signs of neglect aren't instant. Just like with your body, you can skip the gym for a couple weeks and still look and feel fine, but give it a few months and you'll notice the changes.

The same is true with connection. Stop tending it and the slow fade begins. The goal in maintenance seasons isn't just to hold the line, it's to keep deepening the habits. You've worked so hard to build in the hard times.

It is an opportunity to explore new levels of closeness instead of slipping back into good enough. And one of the best ways to do that is to check in on all the ways you connect, not just one or two.

The Five Realms of Intimacy You Can’t Ignore

That's where the five realms of intimacy come in. If you've heard me talk about this before, then let it be a reminder and a check in on how you're doing with them.

If this is the first time, then get ready to take some notes and reflect on where you're doing well and where you need some work.

So when things feel good at home, it's tempting to keep leaning on the same few ways. You already connect, you find a groove in one or two areas, and without realizing it, you start neglecting the rest. But intimacy isn't just one fire. It's five different fires, and each one needs some tending. If you want the whole thing to stay warm, let's walk through them.

The first is physical. This is the way your bodies share space and energy, and I'm not talking about sexual energy. That's another realm we'll talk about later. This one is the hug when she walks in the door, the hand on her back in the kitchen, the comfort of sitting close on the couch without a screen between you.

When the marriage is in crisis, this often disappears. So if you've got it back, you want to keep it alive. That doesn't mean you need to be hanging all over each other every minute, but it means paying attention to the little physical moments and not letting them fade into nothing because things are fine Now.

The second is intellectual. This is the meeting of the minds, trading ideas, learning together, sharing thoughts beyond the logistics of daily life. It could be talking about a book you're both reading, a podcast that made you think, or a new plan for the future.

In maintenance mode, this realm can easily slip if you stop being curious about each other's thoughts. If every conversation is about chores schedule and what's for dinner, that fire burns low. The third is sexual, and this is the erotic connection, the spark you feel, the way you keep that part of your relationship alive.

When things improve after a rough patch, sexual intimacy often bounces back quickly, but the danger is thinking it will stay that way without effort. Sexual connection thrives when there's safety, playfulness, and an openness to talk about what's working and what's not.

Maintenance here means not letting it get pushed to the bottom of the list when life gets busy.

The next one is social. This is how you move through the world as a couple. It's spending time with friends, hosting dinners, showing up, family events together, or being part of a community. Some couples are strong here naturally. Others avoid it because they're more private. In either case, it's worth checking.

Are you building shared memories outside your home or are you living parallel lives in separate social circles? And the last one is spiritual. This is the big picture, meaning you share. It could be faith, it could be shared values, or a vision for the life you're building. It's the sense that you're not just coexisting, you're on a mission together.

When things are going well, this is the perfect time to explore it more deeply, because this is where couples find the energy to keep going when challenges come. And here's why this matters in your maintenance seasons, in good seasons, we stop checking on these fires because we think they'll keep burning on their own, but each one has its own fuel.

If you keep adding to them regularly, the warmth spreads to others. If you neglect one long enough, it can cool everything else down without you realizing it until it's obvious. That's why maintenance isn't just keep doing what worked. It's making sure you're tending to all five, even lightly, so you're not rebuilding from cold ashes later.

The Gym Metaphor: Why Consistency Beats Motivation

But if the campfire metaphor isn't making sense to you, let me try one more. Now I go to the gym regularly, not because I'm chasing some extreme goal or trying to turn into a different person, but because I know what happens when I show up consistently, it builds me, it sharpens my discipline, and it creates results that I can feel in my body and in my mind.

The interesting thing is if I stopped going tomorrow, I'd probably feel fine for a while. Nothing would change that first week. Maybe not even the first month, but give it three months. The difference would be obvious. I'd lose strength.

My energy would drop. I'd feel it every time I'd tried to push myself. That's how marriage maintenance works. The cost of neglect doesn't show up overnight. It's a slow fade, so you don't see it happening until you're far from where you were. And just like in the gym showing up when you don't feel like it matters, it's easy to go on the days you're fired up, but the real growth happens on the days.

You'd rather skip the days where you push through and put in the reps anyway. Some of the greatest athletes understood this better than anyone. Michael Jordan once said he practiced so hard that the games felt easy. Kobe Bryant talked about how doing the work in the dark so you could shine in the light, but they didn't just train when they needed to fix something, they trained because greatness is built in the repetitive reps that nobody else sees.

Relational growth works the same way. You keep showing up for your marriage, even in the seasons where things feel steady so that when life, throws a challenge your way, you already have the muscle to handle it.

Four Keys to Staying in Maintenance Mode

So how do you actually make maintenance part of your life, not just for a few weeks, but for years? There are four pillars to keeping the fire alive, and that's what we're going to talk about next.

The first thing you need to do to keep relational maintenance active in your life is lock in your structure. You need something outside of yourself that keeps you in the game, because if you rely on, I'll just remember to do it, you won't. Life will get busy.

Work will get intense, and without a structure, the marriage will quietly drop to the bottom of the list. Your structure could be a men's group where you speak honestly and you're challenged, or it could be a. Faith or spiritual community that calls you to live out your values or a learning platform or course that keeps new tools coming your way, or coaching like Better Husband Academy, where you have ongoing feedback and accountability.

And these aren't just for support when things are tough. It's about being around people who will hold you accountable and encourage you to keep showing up and help you remember why you're doing this. Next build rhythms that don't rely on motivation. Motivation is a nice boost, but it's unreliable. What matters is rhythm actions you take automatically, like brushing your teeth.

That could be a weekly state of the union conversation with your wife. 20 minutes to share what's going well, what feels off, and one thing you each need in the week ahead, or a monthly date that's planned in advance so you're not scrambling at the last second, or personal reflection time, once a week, journaling, walking, praying to check in with yourself about how you've been showing up. When the rhythm is set, you don't waste energy deciding whether to do it. You just do it. Okay, next, keep practicing the fundamentals. The skills that saved your marriage in a crisis are the same skills that will keep it healthy.

Listening without defensiveness, owning your part without excuses, leading conversations about the future, staying calm under pressure. If you stop using these in good seasons, you'll forget them when conflict hits. Good seasons are where you continue to stay sharp, so you're ready when it's needed. And lastly, stay curious.

Curiosity is the difference between a marriage that's stable and one that's alive. It's asking what's been on your mind lately. It's noticing when she's into something new and joining her in it. It's suggesting a trip, a class, a project you can do together to explore new ground. Curiosity tells your wife, I still want to know you.

I'm still leaning in. That's one of the simplest, most powerful ways to keep the fire burning. When you have structure a rhythm, the fundamentals and curiosity, you're building a marriage that doesn't collapse when life gets hard and actually feels alive when things are steady.

This Week’s Action Steps

This week, put some intentional fuel on the fire of intimacy and connection in your marriage.

And here's how. One, choose your structure. Pick one ongoing place where you'll keep your relational skills sharp. That could be a men's group, a faith community, a trusted mentor or better husband academy.

The goal is to have somewhere you're expected to show up even when life is busy. Two audit the five realms of intimacy. Take a few minutes and ask yourself, which one of these realms feels strong right now?

Physical, intellectual, sexual, social, spiritual. Which one feels like it's running on fumes? Three, pick one realm to focus on. Don't try to overhaul everything. Choose one realm and set a micro goal for the next month. It could be holding your hand more. It could be having one new conversation each week, or planning a double date or starting a shared morning ritual.

And four, share your goal with her. This is about inviting her in. Let her know you want to keep growing together even when things feel good. When you do this, you're not waiting for the fire to burn out. You're building the habit of tending to it every single week.

Reflection Questions: Where Are You Coasting?

Now, before we wrap up, I wanna leave you with a few questions to sit with that kind, that tell you the truth about how you're really showing up first.

Where in my marriage have I been coasting because things feel good enough? Which of the five realms of intimacy have I been ignoring without realizing it? If I kept doing exactly what I'm doing now for the next three years, where would my marriage be?

What's stopping me from building a consistent structure for relational maintenance? Do I secretly believe I have to do this alone? Take a few minutes with these. Write 'em down. Let yourself answer honestly, even if you don't like what comes up. That's the starting point for real maintenance work.

Closing Thoughts + Invitation to Keep Growing

Here are my closing thoughts for this episode.

A fire doesn't keep itself alive. It doesn't matter how strong the flames were last night. If you don't feed it, it fades, and your marriage is no different. The warmth you feel today didn't just appear as a result of every conversation you leaned into, every moment you stayed curious. Every small act of care you gave along the way, don't wait for the cold to remind you that it needs tending.

Add wood while it's still burning strong. Keep the rhythm. Stay in the work because the fire you keep today will be the one that carries you through the storms tomorrow, and it'll be the heart of your home for years to come. If you want a place to keep building those skills, to stay accountable and to keep your marriage growing even when things feel steady.

That's exactly what Better Husband Academy is for. It's where men commit to the ongoing work together, so you're never doing this alone. Thanks for listening. I'm Angelo Santiago and I'll see you next time on Better Husband.