“I Can Fix This On My Own”—The Lie That’s Costing Men Their Marriage

Falling into the Pit: Why Men Stay Stuck

I want you to imagine something. You're out for a walk, same path you always take, but today something's different. Suddenly the ground gives out beneath you and you fall into a deep, dark pit. You land hard, it's cold, it's disorienting. You can barely see the light above you.

Now pause. What do you do? Seriously, think about it. If you're like most men, you start trying to figure it out. You look for cracks in the wall. You try to climb. You tell yourself, I got this, because that's what we've been taught. Don't ask for help fix your own mess. Real men self rescues and when that doesn't work, most men don't call out.

They don't reach up, and they don't ask if anyone's there. Instead, they try to learn their way out of the pit. They watch videos, they listen to podcasts like this one. They gather information hoping maybe one day it'll be enough to get them out. But for many guys, when that still doesn't work, they make peace with that pit.

They tell themselves it's not so bad down here. They decorate it. They settle in because for a lot of us, it feels safer to stay stuck than it does to admit we need help.

Why Men Wait Too Long to Ask for Help

That's what I see over and over again in the men. I work with. Good men, smart men, husbands who care, but they wait until the last possible moment to reach out for support when the marriage is on the line, when the damage has already taken its toll.

And maybe that's you. Maybe you're listening to this because you know something isn't working. You've tried what, you know, you've read the books, you've watched the videos, and right now you're still trying to figure it out on your own. But here's what I've learned in my own marriage and in the lives of a hundred as men's I've worked with.

Change starts. When you finally stop trying to climb out alone. Support isn't weakness. It's what makes breakthrough possible. I. And that's what we're talking about today. Why so many men hesitate to ask for help. Why waiting costs us more than we think, and how support real relational support can help you become a better husband.

And I've got a big announcement I've never shared before. Something new is launching next month. And if this episode speaks to you, you're going to want to hear it. Let's get into it.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you the tools, stories, and insight to help you become a better husband in your marriage.

My Story: What Changed Everything for Me

Let me start off a little bit with my story. For those that don't know me, my wife and I met in college and things went well. You know, little bumps here and there, but we figured things out. After more than a decade together, we got married and honestly, that's when things got hard. Not right away, but within that first year or two of marriage, we hit some of the toughest seasons we'd ever face, and I didn't know what to do.

So I hid. I hid in work. I hid in alcohol. I hid in friendships that didn't support my marriage or who I wanted to be. I hid in a lot of things that I'm not really proud of and things just got worse. I. But I married a woman who wasn't going to settle. She loved me and she also demanded better. She pushed me to get help, and for a long time I resisted.

I told her I could figure it out, that I just needed time until I realized if I didn't change this marriage was over. And so I finally said the words that changed everything. I need help. And from that point forward, I opened myself up to every kind of support I could find. Men's retreats, therapists, relationship coaches, mentors.

Not because I felt broken, but because I wanted to learn. And my marriage, it started healing slowly and steadily. Today, we're in the best place we've ever been. Not because everything's perfect, but because we know how to come back to each other every single day, and none of that would've happened if I hadn't made that first move.

What the Research Says About Men and Help-Seeking

This isn't just my story, it's our story. As men, collectively, we've been raised in a culture that tells us to lead, to figure it out, to never show weakness, to be the solution. That's why asking for help feels so foreign. It goes against everything we've been taught, and research backs this up. Men are significantly less likely than women to seek support.

Only 8% of men received counseling or therapy in the past year compared to 12% of women. Men are four times more likely to die by suicide often because we suppress, avoid and isolate. I. And in most relationship, it's the woman who initiates counseling, coaching, or seeking support. Asking for help can feel like a failure for a lot of men, not because we're arrogant, but because we've been conditioned that way from a young age.

Most boys are taught to be strong, capable, and independent. You fall down, you shake it off, you're struggling, figure it out. You feel scared man up, and that programming doesn't just disappear when we get married. It follows us right into our relationship where asking for support can feel like weakness.

If you don't believe me, there's even more research that backs this up. A study from the American Psychological Association found that 63% of men believe society expects them to be emotionally strong and avoid vulnerability. And when it comes to relationship, 70 to 80% of couples counseling is initiated by women.

Most men wait until things are breaking down or already broken before they consider reaching for support. Why? Because somewhere along the way, we were taught that being a man means solving things solo. If you can't fix it yourself, something's wrong with you. And so we wait. We try podcasts, we try YouTube, we try figuring it out alone.

But when that doesn't work, a lot of men don't try something new. They just lower their expectations. They settle, they build a life in the pit. They fell into because asking for help feels more threatening than staying stuck. But here's what I want you to hear today. You don't have to live like that.

The Hero Child: The Role That Shaped You

Let's bring this back to your childhood. In relational life therapy, we teach that most of our adult struggles, especially in relationships, can be traced back to our earliest roles in the family. And one of the most common roles for men is called the hero child. The hero child is the one who holds it all together.

He becomes the family's pride and joy, the achiever, the responsible one, the rock. From the outside, he looks great, but inside he's carrying a burden, the belief that he can't have needs of his own. And here's some signs. You may have been a hero child. Maybe your parents worked two or three jobs and weren't around much, so you stepped up to help raise your younger siblings.

Or maybe your parents marriage was falling apart and you became the one who comforted your mom or played peacemaker. So the fighting would stop. Maybe you were the first in your family to go to college and everyone pinned their hopes on you making it. Maybe you were the one who never got in trouble, always did the right thing, always held it together because someone had to.

Maybe you learned early on that the way to be loved was to be needed. And here's the truth. That role worked and you probably got praise, approval, responsibility, but there was a hidden cost. As we say in RLT. The hero child is overtly empowered and covertly shamed. You're given adult level responsibility, but you're punished sometimes subtly for having your own feelings, struggles, or limits.

So you learn to perform to help, to achieve, to solve, but not to receive. And when that kid grows up and gets married, he becomes the man who's great at handling life, but terrible at letting himself be helped. He believes his job is to carry the load, never drop the ball, and never show weakness. He's admired, but he's not fully known.

He's competent, but he's not truly connected because deep down he believes if I stop being useful, I stop being valuable. If I admit I'm struggling, it'll all fall apart. And that's the root of so many struggles in marriage. Not just disconnection, but isolation. Because real intimacy requires being seen not just for what you do, but for who you are.

So if you're listening to this and realizing, yeah, that was me. I want you to hear this. You're not broken. You were trained to survive, but now it's time to build something better.

The Power of Real Support (and Where to Find It)

Here's what most men don't realize. The moment you accept support, you open the door to new possibilities in your life and in your marriage. But support doesn't always start with your wife. For most men, the first step is learning how to receive support from other men. And that's hard. 'cause let's be honest, most guys don't have trusted circles they can go to when their marriage is on the rocks.

We either keep it all inside and say, yeah, everything's fine, or we're surrounded by guys who bash their wives, make bitter jokes about how miserable marriages and treat disconnection like it's just a part of the deal. If that's your circle, I'm gonna be real with you. You need to change who you're around.

You cannot grow into a better husband while surrounding yourself with people who don't believe that's even possible. You need a community that supports you, one that calls you forward.

Introducing Better Husband Academy

And if you are waiting for the special announcement that I mentioned at the beginning, this is it. This is why I created Better Husband Academy.

I'm building something unique. It's a space for men who want more, who want to grow and who want to do it with others who are on the same path. And if that sounds like something you need, I want you to get on the wait list at betterhusbandacademy.com. My plan is to launch in May, 2025, and if you're on the wait list, you'll have the opportunity to join at a discounted price and get additional bonuses, like a one-on-one call with me and lots more.

And I'll tell you this from experience, my own journey changed because of support men's groups one-on-one coaching mentors who didn't just give advice but walked beside me. Those spaces helped me get honest. They gave me clarity. They gave me tools and they helped me become a husband. I'm proud of.

The men I work with today, they see changes in their marriages, but they also see it in their confidence, their presence, their emotional strength, and it all starts with being open to being helped by others. So if this sounds like something you need or want in your life, again, get on the wait list at betterhusbandacademy.com, or click on the link in the show notes because one of the greatest gifts of all of this is that the men I work with create a marriage where their partner also becomes a place they can go for support, a place that they can show up fully, honestly, vulnerably, and be met with love. In healthy relationship, there's a back and forth rhythm You give and you receive you support, and you're supported.

You don't always have to be the rescuer. You don't always have to be the one who's strong. You get to receive too, and when you do, you stop carrying it all yourself and start creating something with her, something new and something deeper.

What Support Looks Like in Real Life

Here's what support looks like in practice. You can let your wife know when you're struggling before it turns into anger or distance. You can ask her for space when you need it, but also ask for closeness when you need that too. You let your mentors, your brothers, your community in instead of carrying it all alone. When you finally let someone help you, you stop white knuckling your marriage.

You start breathing again and showing up like the man you want to be. You stop trying to prove you're fine, and for the first time in a long time, you let someone in.

Final Thoughts: What Happens When You Reach Out

Let me leave you with this. Trying to prove that you don't need help is the very thing that's keeping you from getting better. Being a better husband is all about being open, willing, and brave enough to say, I want to grow and I can't do it alone.

When men finally reach out, when they finally allow someone to walk beside them, everything begins to change, not just for them, but for their marriage too.

So here's what I want you to ask yourself. Where have I been trying to climb out of the pit alone? Where have I convinced myself I should be able to figure this out? And what could change if I finally reached out? Maybe it's a conversation with your wife. Maybe it's booking a coaching session. Maybe it's calling that friend you trust.

Whatever it is, make the move. Stop decorating the pit. Start building your way out with support.

As soon as you finish this episode, head to better husband academy.com. If it's before May, 2025, get on the wait list. If it's after come join us in the academy. We're ready for you. You can click on the link in the show notes or go directly to better husband academy.com.

So if this episode really resonated with you, please let me know. You can email me at [email protected]. I'd love to hear your story or answer any questions you have and if you're ready to go deeper, I open up private coaching spots throughout the year, and this kind of work is exactly what we'll be doing inside Better Husband Academy.

Thank you for being here. Thanks for showing up. I'll see you next time.