Overcoming Defensiveness: Improving Communication in Marriage

Introduction: Why Defensiveness Destroys Marriages

Has your wife ever come to you and ask for you to do something differently and you end up getting really defensive, feeling criticized, or even attacked? Let me start off by saying that you are not alone in this situation. It is so common in relationships for requests for change to be received as a criticism and for walls to come up instead of being able to listen to that request with openness and acceptance and actually give your partner what they want.

In today's episode, we're going to look at this specific situation. I'm hopefully going to be able to provide you some tools that you can use in your marriage to be able to listen to those requests with openness, with an understanding of what is really being asked for and that it's not about you being wrong or you not being enough or you coming up with this story that whatever I do, it's never good enough.

because that's not the case. That story is only creating more distance in your marriage and the opportunity here is to create more closeness for you to be able to give your partner what they want and also teach you about how you can also ask for what you want and what you need in a way that it's received and it's not received as criticism so that together.

you and your partner can build a marriage that feels supportive where you're actually getting your needs met and you're helping your partner get their needs met as well.

There are studies out there that shows that defensiveness is the number one barrier into communication that leads to breakups and divorce and separations in marriages. And so this is a really important episode. This is why this is the topic I'm talking about in the first episode of Better Husband. So thank you for being here.

You don't want to miss this. Let's get going.​

Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships

Welcome to Better Husband, the show that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? My name is Angelo Santiago, and today we're talking about defensiveness. We're talking about feeling criticized or attacked whenever there's a request for some sort of change or something to be done differently, and maybe it's not the way that we want to do it.

Maybe we feel that the way that we do it is just fine. So why is our partner asking for something else? Does that mean that I'm wrong? Does it mean that the way that I'm doing it is wrong? What I'm here to tell you is that it doesn't mean that at all. It just means that your partner has different needs and some of those needs, if you're able to meet them, is going to help you be a better husband.

The Impact of Defensiveness on Marriages

In talking to some women, I've just heard the common theme that whenever they ask for something or they make a request of their husband, their husband shuts down or gets defensive or feels like they're being attacked. And when that happens, they don't really know what to do.

And the reality is that there's studies that actually show that men have a harder time receiving feedback.

In 2020, there's a study called The Role of Gender in Reactions to Criticism where the study actually highlighted how men do respond more defensively to criticism than women do.

And this isn't really the guy's fault. To be honest with you, there are so many reasons why this happens from early childhood into the cultural societal expectation of men. We are supposed to be problem solvers. We're supposed to be fixers. We're supposed to be able to get it done. And so when we hear the response that, oh, the way that we did it isn't good enough or the way that we did it isn't working or that, you know what, I'd actually like this to change a little bit.

It attacks our internal self worth. Now, I'm not saying that's right. It shouldn't. You know, we as humans have the same value as anybody else, whether we're able to get something right or not.

But society and culture in our upbringing as men has really taught us this distorted view of self worth, of self esteem that is based on our ability to provide, to solve problems,

it has taught us that our value is based on our performance. And so when our performance appears to be suffering because somebody doesn't like it, then it's an feels like an internal attack.

And this leads to feelings within us guys of inadequacy or frustration or anger even.

The fear in men of not being good enough, especially when it comes to something so important as being a husband, is overwhelming.

And so sometimes in order to protect ourselves we do that which doesn't make any sense and we put up walls We actually get defensive We sometimes even attack back or try to be right about the way that we're doing it and then it just leads to confrontation it leads to Disagreement it leads to pushing each other away

And what does that do in your marriage? Well, it makes your partner feel not heard, not understood. It makes them shrink down.

Your defensiveness as a husband can create this cycle of withdrawal from your partner. It makes them feel like they're walking on eggshells around you, that they can't say something or give you feedback because of the way you'll respond or react.

The Gottman Institute, which is the number one place you should check out if you want to learn more about research based relationship advice. They have this list of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationship. And one of those, one of the biggest ones, is defensiveness.

They've shown that these four horsemen, including defensiveness, can predict the success of a marriage and which ones are going to thrive and which ones are headed for divorce. If you can put down those walls or prevent yourself from going on the attack when you're receiving feedback or criticism or a request, you're actually setting your marriage up for success.

Strategies to Overcome Defensiveness

So what can you do when your partner comes to you and they have a request for you? Maybe it comes out really smoothly. Maybe they say something simply as like, Hey, would you mind doing this? Or instead of doing this thing that way, would it be okay if you did that? Like, that's a very gentle way to start that conversation, but sometimes it does come in as a complaint, something like, well, why do you always do it this way?

Or, I don't like it when you do that. Right? These. come a little harsher, they sting a little more. And when it comes that way, you may feel a response, right? Whether you feel like it's like a whoosh of energy that comes over you, or maybe you see red or bright white, or you just can't get your thoughts together and all you want to do is react to it.

That is your first sign that you're on the path to bad communication. So I know you've heard it before and there's nothing new here, but let me just re emphasize it again. You have to be able to take a breath and remind yourself that the person across from you who's talking to you is somebody that you love, somebody that you care about, somebody that you've made the decision to spend the rest of your life with.

And so it's to your and their benefit for you to slow down and Take a deep breath, whatever that reactive component of yourself that wants to fight back or get defensive or wall off. Tell that part of yourself to take a break. That you've got this. That you are now this adult, this man who can face this message that's coming at you.

And sometimes that's easier said than done. And so maybe, that takes you going for a walk or stepping outside or being like, Hey, I hear you. Can I just have a moment please? And clear your mind, try and figure out what the heck is going on. Why you feel so attacked by whatever the request is so that you don't blow up at your partner or run away.

Make sure that if you do decide to go for a walk or take a break that you let your partner know that you're coming back. This isn't you running away from the situation. You're going to talk about what the request was.

And then the second strategies you can use is whether you do go for a walk and you come back or if you're able to stay in the position and actually listen to your partner is practice active listening. Let them know what you're actually hearing because maybe what you're hearing is not actually what they're saying.

And if all you hear is the complaint, you don't hear the request.

Actually use the words, Hey, what I'm hearing you say is this. Is that right?

This hopefully leads to a conversation of understanding, where your partner is actually getting across what they want from you. That can be this step by step process that makes it easier for you.

One of the tricks of having an amazing marriage is having the ability to give your partner what they ask for. And yes, the requests have to be within reason, right? If it's something absolutely that you can't provide, or it goes against your morals, like, a conversation has to be had there. It's not about sacrificing yourself and doing absolutely everything your partner wants.

There is a level of boundaries, but that has to come with communications, not putting up walls.

And if all you hear from your partner is the complaint, can you ask yourself, What is my partner really asking for?

You know, if she comes to you and says like, I feel like I'm doing everything around the house and you're not doing anything, that can feel, of course, like an attack. But if you can pull your way through the message that's being sent across, what she's really asking for is for help and for support. And can you give that to her?

And yes, at some point the conversation has to be had for her to understand how to actually ask for that help and support without the attack, without the complaint. And this goes for you too. If there's something that you want in your marriage, complaining about what you're not getting is the worst way to get what you want.

The best way? Be grateful for that, which you are getting, and if there's a need for more, ask for it.

Practical Exercise for Better Communication

I want to give you a practical exercise that you can actually do with your partner today, and it's only going to take you five minutes. First, I want you to invite your partner into this practice and see if they're interested and see if they have any questions about why you want to do it.

Tell them you really want to practice on your communication, that you know that in the past you've gotten really defensive over certain things that they've asked for, and you don't want that to be the way you relate anymore. Hopefully that invites them into this opportunity to try something new.

So you're going to set a five minute timer and you're going to invite your partner to share a recent frustration or a challenge that they've been going through.

And your job is just to listen, to just practice openly and thoughtfully listening to what they're saying without having to justify, without having to fix, without having to challenge, without having to suggest that they should try something different or the reason why it didn't work was because this or blah, blah, blah, whatever your brain might be telling you.

Can you actually be fully present and engaged to what your partner is saying? And in the story or in the frustration, can you see what their requests may be if they don't say it outright? It might be true that your partner has gotten shut down so many times, possibly by you or in other relationships, that they struggle to ask for what they want.

And so when they finally do ask for it, it takes a lot of courage for them to do that. Are you able to see that? And are you able to invite them into this place where they feel safe enough to ask?

So at the end of the five minutes, what I want you to do is first take a moment and appreciate everything that your partner has shared with you. And then your job is going to be to reflect back what you heard. Now, I don't want you to do this in Word for word, like you got to memorize it like a script, every little point that your partner said.

It's okay if you don't get it all right, but what are the biggest parts of the story, of the frustration, of the requests that they've made that you can actually let them know? Starting off simply by saying, thanks for sharing that, here's what I heard you say.

And then very, very importantly, at the end, I just want you to ask a simple question. Did I get that right? Or did I miss anything? Is there anything you want to add?

And I'm going to say it again. You don't have to do this perfectly. You're going to forget certain things. You're going to use different words that maybe your partner didn't use and they may want to correct you here and there. Allow that to be a part of the experience.

Even if you do this badly, you're already doing way more than people who aren't doing this in their relationship. You are doing way more for your marriage just by trying.

And in trying this once, I'm going to push you a little further and encourage you to try this every single week.

If you're trying to get gains in the gym, or if you're trying to do better at work, or if you're trying to learn something new as you're studying, you're going to be doing it over and often, all the time, in order to improve. Why do you think it would be any different learning relational skills and being a better husband?

These things take practice, and I guarantee you that you'll get better as time goes on, and your marriage will improve.

By practicing this active listening exercise, you as a husband can learn how to not get defensive. You can learn how to actually listen to your partner's concerns or request for help or even their complaints and be able to dig through the complaint to see what's the actual need here. Remember, defensiveness is one of those four horsemen from the Gottman Institute.

It can destroy your marriage. So if you're not willing to do something about it, then why are you even married in the first place?

And again, I'm not here, first of all, to criticize you for being defensive. I was there too, and it still creeps up even in my marriage. I'm not perfect. The way we were brought up as young boys taught us to put a huge amount of value on our performance, on how we did things, on how good we were, on where we stacked up to others.

And so anytime that somebody came in saying that we did something wrong or the way we're doing it is not good enough, it hurt.

If you want to be a better husband, open communication is key in your marriage and learning how to not get defensive is super important.

I want you to remember to practice taking a pause, taking a breath, taking a time out or a break if you feel like the next thing that's going to come out of your mouth is not going to help the situation. And if you are going to go take a time out, go for a walk, tell your partner that you're coming back and you're going to talk about this.

You just need a moment to take a deep breath. Once you've centered yourself, practice active listening, practice getting curious, practice reflecting back and telling your partner, Hey, what I heard you say was this. What I heard your request was, was this. Is that what you want? And then listen to what they say.

And then if it's yes, that's what their request is. Be willing to give that to them if it's within reason. And if it's not, be willing to have a calm, open discussion about why you're having a hard time being able to give that to them.

And try to understand why they need it so much.

I really want to encourage you to try that five minute listening exercise with your partner It is the first step that's going to get you to where you want and get your marriage To where you want it to be if you want to be a better husband Start putting in the practice to be the husband, you know, you can be.

Conclusion and Encouragement

I just want to close with saying thank you for being here, for listening and watching, for being willing to look at how you can become a better husband. That's such a huge part of the journey, your willingness to try.

If you feel like you've gotten any value from this video, please hit that follow or subscribe button and join me here every week for more topics and conversations on how to be a better husband.

If you have any questions or comments or situations in your marriage that you want me to discuss on this show, you can check out the text or email links in the show notes below. I'd love to hear from you and help you on your journey.

I'm Angelo Santiago. for being a part of this community and I'll see you on the next one.

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