How to Get More of What You Want in Your Marriage

Introduction: How To Get More of What You Want in Your Marriage

Are you tired of feeling like your needs or your wants in your marriage are always going unmet? you find yourself complaining about what you're not getting more than actually connecting with your partner?

Well, today we're going to change that and actually talk about how to get more of what you want in your marriage, but not by complaining about it, by actually asking for it with skill and intention.

Guys, there is definitely a way of asking for what you need and learning how to do that will make you a better husband and will help you fall in love with your marriage once again.

So let's get going.

Understanding the 4 Steps Of Making a Request

Welcome to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago and I'm here every single week to help you answer the question, how can I be a better husband?

A lot of the times in couples therapy or shows about how to have a strong marriage, it talks a lot about giving to your partner what they need. And that is really important. But there's also this very important piece about getting what you need. getting what you want, right? Like a healthy marriage and a healthy relationship isn't about sacrificing.

It's about being generous and being able to give something to another, but also getting what you need met as well.

In today's episode, I'm going to break it down into four parts that are all equally important for us as men to understand about that process. Because it's not as simple as just like, Hey, I want more of this and I want more of this and repeating yourself over and over and over again. Maybe you've tried that before.

I know I have in my marriage and honestly, it doesn't work. There is a skill to communicating what it is that you want and need, and your partner will receive it in a much better way if you do it with this skill.

But before we get to the actual task of making the request, of asking for the thing, there's a couple things we need to go over.

So buckle up, and let me help you, and let's become better husbands together. Before we go too far, I do want to credit Terry Real and the work that he's created in relational life therapy, which is, uh, the training that I have undergone that I use a lot in my own marriage, as well as those couples and men that I work with.

And if you want to learn more, you can also check out his book, The New Rules of Marriage, which is absolutely amazing. This is an incredible book, an absolutely incredible book for anyone, for any individual or couple who wants to learn more about this and actually get some actionable steps that you can take in your marriage.

Debunking a Big Marriage Myth

So in this first part, I want to talk about debunking the myth that Marriages should be easy, that good relationships shouldn't take hard work, that it should just be organic and we should just kind of understand what each person needs and be able to give that to them.

Many of us grew up with this idea because we didn't necessarily see if our parents had a good healthy model of a relationship. We didn't see the behind the closed doors work that they went to. We didn't see the big struggles and challenges that they went through it. Or maybe we did and we saw when things got messy and there was no repair.

And so we just kind of like, well, you just don't do anything about it. It's either really good and you don't have to work hard for it. Or marriages are really hard and there's nothing you can do about it. Both of those are incorrect.

If you are in a marriage that feels like it's falling apart, there are things you can do about it. It's not like, well, I guess we're not meant to be together. Sure, that is a possibility. I'm not here to say that every single marriage and relationship is savable. However, if you fell in love with this person and there's something there about them that you're meant for each other, but things aren't going well, You can turn this ship around.

You can make active changes in your marriage to make things better.

And if your marriage is in a really good place right now, congratulations, like, celebrate that, enjoy that, and know that you shouldn't, like, put it on cruise control and just coast and imagine that this is how it's gonna be forever. That's a possibility, but if you keep putting in the skills and learning a little bit more, you can take your marriage to that next level, and then the next, and then the next, to a point where you look around and you're like, This is a miracle.

This is amazing. This feels so good and it feels good to be good at it.

So back to the idea that this shouldn't be hard work. Like, let's just get honest with ourselves in everything that we have in our life. whether we're successful in a particular career, or physically we're proud of, you know, how fast we can run, or how much we can lift, or the friendships that we made, or The places we've traveled to, like all of that took work.

None of it came easy or naturally, unless you just are super lucky. Like that happens. And if that happened for you, like, awesome. But for most of us, we have put in effort in doing all the things that we're proud of, that we appreciate, that we enjoy, that we wake up every morning being like, I'm so glad that this, this part of my life is the way it is.

And I acknowledge all the hard work I put into it, all the dedication, all the devotion, the commitment, and I know you want that for your marriage because you are here with me on Better Husband and you have that intention, which is a great start.

Now, the difference in those examples that I gave to your marriage is that all of those things are kind of like for you. You are doing them for yourself. You have the ability to wake up at a certain time and go to the gym, or you have the ability to sit down and read, and you know when you're doing well and when you're not.

In relationship, you are doing it with another. You have somebody else that is a part of this equation, so you cannot do it by yourself. And your partner is not a mind reader. So if you have an ima you imagine, Oh man, my marriage would be so much better if X, Y, and Z. There's no way your partner would know that.

That you, you believe that.

You have to be willing to tell them. And ask them for whatever it is that you need to help you get your marriage to that place.

There's so many men that I talk to that I ask, you know, when I ask them like, how's life? You know, good. Everything's good. And then how's your marriage? It's like, well, you know, it's like, just go to work and make sure the kids are happy. And my wife's happy. And we got the roof over our house. And so, you know, just kind of grinding it out every single day.

And that breaks my heart when I hear that. I understand where they're coming from. I understand the sense of duty that, that some men have. The sense of providership. The sense of like, this is my job. Is to just make sure that the kids are good, and my wife is good, and that's it. And the reality is like, wait a second, what about you?

What about, what about your wants? What about the intimacy in your marriage? What about like waking up next to the person that you love and actually appreciating that day and going to bed with them? Like the gratitude that can come with that, like those are all super important parts of your marriage.

So if you want to go from that place of, well, this is just the way life is to, wow, I can't believe how good my life is right now. I'm so grateful for it. You have to be able to put in the work.

And here is the next part that we need to talk about.

Acknowledging Your Wants and Needs

You have to acknowledge and accept the fact that you do have wants, that you do have needs.

Why is it that so many men shy away from this idea that, yeah, like, I have needs? Maybe it comes from, like, fear of saying them out loud and not getting them, and then feeling kind of empty. Maybe it comes from pride. You know, I don't need anything. I'm good. Like, I'm a simple guy. Like, life is just basic. It doesn't have to be more than, you know, the minimum.

What I want you to know is that owning the fact that you do have wants and needs is going to only help your marriage.

As men, we have been brought up sometimes in a way where we've been conditioned to believe that having needs is selfish. Believe that if I want something, it's, like, egotistical. It's that, like, it's all about me, and just, let's get real about this. Yes, there are extremes, but I imagine that if you're listening to this, you do not fall into that category because you are willing to accept, one, that there's another person in your life that you care for and that you want to do something for them.

If you were a narcissist and you were just like, it's all about me, you would not be watching or listening to this show. But hey, if you are a narcissist and you're listening or watching here, like welcome aboard, come on the ride. It's nice. Just relax. Open yourself up. I'm glad you're here.

So back to what I was talking about, this idea that it's selfish to have wants or needs.

What that usually turns into is you becoming a passive participant of your life. Yeah. Just accepting the way things are and not being willing to do anything about it. And what that looks like in your marriage is you just sitting back and not being present for your partner. Not being alive in the life that you are creating together.

And what that does for your partner is build resentment. Is Make them feel alone. Make them feel like they have to make all the decisions because when they ask you like, Hey, what do you, where do you want to go for dinner? Or where do you want to go this weekend? Or, Hey, what do you think we should do about this with the kids?

You're like, nah, whatever. Or your response is you can decide I'm fine with it. And part of you may be thinking like, well, I'm just trying to make it easy for them. What you're actually doing is making it harder for them. They're coming to you because they want to know what your thoughts are, what your wants are for your partnership, what your needs are for your life together.

So the moment you accept the fact and actually look inward to decide like, Oh, that's a good question. Like, what do I actually want? What do I actually need to make myself feel happy, feel fulfilled, feel joyful, feel loved? You have the right to those things in your marriage.

So take a moment today, or even pause this right now, and write down a couple things. Like, what are your wants in your marriage? How do you want to feel? What do you want to experience? Everything from like, what makes you happy and enjoy your time together?

How much time do you need for yourself? What does it look like to create a family or a life together?

Also consider what are the things that your partner does for you or with you that make you feel really appreciated, really respected, really cared for? And what are the things that you want to do for them? that you know makes them feel loved and cared for and, and appreciated.

And realize that your wants and needs are 100 percent definitely going to be different than your partner's wants and needs. So as you explore your own, realize that your partner has theirs too.

But don't give up what you need or what you want to always give them what they want or what they need. It is a mutual experience in creating this relationship.

A Common Mistake and What to Do Instead

Now let's get to the third part before we get to actually asking for these things that you want and need. You have to be willing to accept the fact that your wants and your needs may not be met.

Just because you ask for something doesn't mean you'll get it.

But, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't ask for it at all.

There's a bigger conversation to be had here about being generous. Like if your partner asks you for something and it may not be something that you necessarily want to do, but you care for them, you love them, you understand what a benefit this would be for them for you to actually do this thing, then you're going to be generous with your time, with your energy.

And that's a good thing. And hopefully your partner is willing to do that for you as well.

But that's not to say that it's a guarantee, nor should it be a guarantee. There will be times in every marriage where one partner will ask for something and the other partner is unwilling to do that thing, basically because of their morals or their other commitments, or they just don't think it's a good idea.

And that's not just a, no, I'm out of here. It's a, no, let's have a conversation about it.

But a pro tip on something like this, if your partner asks you for three things and one of those things you're not willing to do, lead with the things you are willing to do. Don't just say like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. No, I'm not going to do that, but I will do those other two things. That doesn't sound as good as like, hey, I'm totally willing to give you this and this, but that third one, not so much. It prioritizes the things that you are willing to do. And that last thing, if they want to have a conversation about it, the thing you're not willing to do, or they're not willing to do for you, then that's a good time to sit down and get honest with each other.

And in that getting honest with each other, you have to be willing to accept the disappointment that you may not get that thing. But you may learn a little bit more about the why. And maybe that thing that you asked for just needs to be modified a little bit to make it acceptable for both of you.

What I don't want you to do is to take in that no as a disappointment and a distancing from your connection.

That no is an opportunity for understanding and actually for connection, for coming together and talking about something that may be difficult.

You cannot control your partner's response ever. You cannot control your partner, period, full stop.

And if you're willing to accept that, that they may say no, that they may say no. I'm here to tell you that there are ways that you can speak to your partner with skill and intention to ask for what you want that will actually empower them to want to give you that thing.

I'm not talking about tricking them or making it seem like it's something it's not. It's about coming to them with an open heart for them to really understand why this thing is important for you and not only what it's going to do for you, but what it's going to do for the marriage. And in that understanding of giving to each other you're showing up in a way that say hey I'm here for you, too Like what is it that you want and you need and how can I give that to you because I want to That's the marriage I want to have.

What to Actually Say

So let's get to the most important part. It's not just about what you say, but how you say it.

And if you're talking to your partner in a way that's focusing on what you haven't gotten or how things have gone wrong in the past, then you're making a big mistake here.

Complaining about what you are not getting is setting yourself up for total failure if it comes to getting what you want.

The goal here is for you to use positive language, future focused language, things that are talking about not what's happened in the past, but what you see as possible in the future for you to get what you want, for you to give what they want, for the marriage to become what it can be, and for you guys to move in that direction together.

Something like as simple as cleaning up around the house, right? If I came to my wife and I said, Gosh, the house is always so messy. You always leave everything just everywhere. And I really wish our house would be nicer. Woof. That's a bad start. Instead, I want to talk about the future.

If I came to my wife and said, Hey babe, I really want to live in a house that feels really clean and organized. It makes me feel more calm. It makes me less anxious. I'm able to really give more to you and our son when I'm feeling that way.

And it would mean a lot to me to have your help in making sure that happens. As a favor to me, would you be willing to just pick up your dirty clothes that are on the floor of the closet and just put them in the laundry hamper?

See, what I'm doing here is not only creating a vision of the life that I want to have, but also what it gives me and how that reciprocates to her and the marriage, as well as asking for a very specific actionable step that like, Hey, this is the thing that I'm asking for. Would you put the clothes in the laundry hamper as a favor to me?

And the beauty in those words is like, I know you love me. I know you care about me and my anxiety and my stress levels and how I show up as a father and as a husband. You would be giving me a gift by doing this thing that I'm asking. And again, she has the right to say no. She can say no. I mean, I, listen, I'm busy all the time.

I, I just have to change quickly from in between work calls and I don't have time to do that. And in my mind, I might say, well, that's ridiculous. Like how long does that actually take? But I have to be willing to accept that. She says no. And so this may be the time to have a tougher conversation about this if she is steadfast no on something that I feel like is a reasonable request. And the key is to do that once again with an open heart not from a like I can't believe you're not willing to do That like do you not care about me?

I do all these other things on the house and you never do that dot dot dot like then you're setting yourself up to Have a conflict that's not here to be a confrontation of growing closer together But really a pushing each other apart

So again, get rid of the idea of focusing on the past and on the negative words and focus on the future and the positive ways of asking for the thing that you want.

Try This Practical Exercise

Here's a simple practice you can do today.

Grab a piece of paper and I want you to write down a recent situation in your marriage where something like this came up, where you wanted something that you weren't getting and write down how you actually went about asking for it. Like, do you remember the words that you actually said? Were you complaining or were you actually like saying exactly what you needed and why you needed it?

Write it down as best you can. Think of a time that like it didn't work. And now rewrite that in a way that I'm encouraging you to do in a positive way of requesting, of asking for it, of making your partner understand why this is so important to you, empowering them to want to do this for you because of the love that you're trying to create in your marriage and what it would do for you.

Ask and be willing to take no for an answer.

I'm going to have a lot more tools and exercises for you to use that in case maybe this one doesn't work, what to do next in the future. So make sure to stay connected.

As a Favor to Me, Would You...

Before I give the recap of the four parts of getting more of what you want in your marriage, make sure to hit that subscribe or follow button if you feel like you've gotten any value from this episode.

And if you're feeling extra generous here, I'm going to ask for what I want as a favor to me Please leave a rating or a comment wherever it is that you're listening or watching because that helps me expand my audience It helps me reach out more men help more marriages and do this work that I think is incredibly important in the world today.

Recap of 4 The Steps to Getting More of What You Want

So here's to recap part one Get rid of the idea that marriage should be easy and that it shouldn't take hard work to get what you want. Number two, own your needs and wants and be willing to express them. Part three, be unattached to the outcome. Be willing to take no for an answer and accept the fact that you might not get the thing that you want.

And part four, ask with a future focus positive languaging. Thanks for being here. I'm Angelo Santiago. This is Better Husband, and I'll see you on the next one.