From Better Husband to Better Human: Practicing Full Respect Living Everywhere

From Better Husband to Better Human

What if I told you that the work you're doing to become a better husband doesn't stop at home?

The same tools you're learning to use with your wife can also transform how you show up everywhere else in your life. You can practice every skill we talk about here, listening, repair, ownership only at home, but if you stop there, you're missing the point. The deeper invitation isn't just to be a better husband, it's to be a better human being.

Because the way you speak to a stranger, the way you drive, the way you handle stress at work, that's the same nervous system that walks through your door every single day. And here's the good news, the more you practice out there, the easier it gets in here in your home. In your marriage, in the moments that matter most.

Today we're gonna talk about a relational life therapy concept called Full Respect Living. It's a simple idea, but one of the hardest standards to actually live out. No one is less than you and no one is more than you. Think about what that means.

No grandstanding, no collapsing, no superiority, no shame, just two humans standing equal in dignity. And here's why this matters. If you can hold that posture, not just at home, but everywhere you'll find the fights at home start to soften, the tensions in your body begin to ease, and you show up with the same steady presence no matter who's in front of you.

That's how you stop being reactive and start becoming the kind of man people trust, respect, and actually want to be around and your marriage. It gets the upgrade for free. If you've ever lost your cooling traffic or felt yourself shrink to avoid conflict, you already know this is some of the hardest work there is.

The way you treat the guy at the gym, the coworker who interrupts you or the stranger at the checkout line, it's all practice for the way you show up at home. And when you learn to stand equal, not better than, not, worse than you change the atmosphere everywhere you go, you bring more calm to conflict, more strength to your boundaries, more compassion to the people you love.

That's what we're unpacking today. In this episode, you'll learn what full respect living really means and why it's harder than it sounds. How to spot the two reflexes that sabotage connection. A simple way to catch yourself in the moment and come back to center and how to set.

Boundaries without blame protecting yourself and the relationship at the same time, because when you practice full respect, living everywhere, you stop working just on your marriage and you start becoming a different kind of man altogether. So let's get started.

The Gym Story: Two Machines, Two Outcomes

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

I wanna start off with a story, and I want you to stick with me because on the surface it won't sound like a story about marriage, but trust me, there's a connection.

So I like going to the gym. It's one of the few places I can push myself into discomfort on purpose. It's where I let go of a lot of stress, clear my head, and keep myself disciplined. And on this particular day, it was leg day.

My gym doesn't have many leg machines, so on busy mornings you have to navigate the crowd. First stop was the hamstring curl. The machine's empty, but there's a towel and a water bottle nearby on the floor. I look around, no one. I ask a guy walking past if he's on it, nope. I wait a beat. I sit down, I set the pin, and just as I'm about to start, a guy walks up and I ask him, Hey, are you using this as I pull my headphones off?

If you are, we can work in together. He shrugs and says, yeah, let's do it. So we trade sets. We talk between rounds, names are exchanged a little. I've seen you around. It's, it's easy. It's human. We both get our work done and leave better than we arrived. 30 minutes later. Quad extensions, same exact setup. The machine is empty.

This time there's a phone on the ground. I do the same checklist. I look around, I ask someone nearby. I wait. I sit down. I set the pin, and then a woman walks towards me. And I look at her and I ask, Hey, are you using this? And without eye contact, she dismissively says, not anymore. She grabs her phone and walks off.

Her tone is stiff, her shoulder's tight, and there's no room for a conversation. In that moment, I could have gone one up, like, what's your problem? Or one down. Hey, I'm so sorry. Please take it. I, I feel awful. Uh, what can I do to fix this? Instead, I took a breath. I let it land. I don't know her day. I don't know what she's carrying, but I do know who I want to be.

I'm not above her. I'm not beneath her. I'm equal. I'm human. And that's when it clicked again. This is exactly what happens at home One day, the same conversation ends with laughter on the couch another day. The exact same ingredients ends in silence. Sometimes it's her day. Sometimes it's mine. What's always mine is how I choose to stand and that's full respect living.

What Full Respect Living Really Means

Full respect living is a posture you carry into every single room you walk into. It's the choice to stand on level ground with the people around you, not above them, not beneath them equal. That means you don't inflate yourself. You don't correct just to prove a point. You don't lecture like you're the smartest one in the room or roll your eyes or punish someone with your tone. That's the one up move. Stepping over people to feel in control.

But you also don't collapse. You don't appease, overexplain or disappear just to keep the peace. That's the one down move. Shrinking back to avoid tension or conflict. Full respect, living is neither. It's standing equal, clear, respectful, and real.

The Slide: Going One-Up or One-Down

The best way I can describe it is like the floor under your feet. When you go one up the floor tilts forward and you stomp heavy and loud. When you go one down the floor tilts back and you start sliding, scrambling to hold on. But when you practice full respect, living the floor is fixed flat under you.

You're steady even when the moment isn't. And here's the thing, it doesn't just live in theory. You can hear it in how you speak. At work, it might sound like I see it differently. Let me lay out why. Not obviously you're wrong and not forget it. Nevermind. Just steady. With your kid, it might sound like, I hear that you're upset.

We still need to clean up the blocks. I'll help you start not shaming. Not caving in just holding dignity with a clear boundary with your parents. Maybe it's, I love you, I'm not available for advice right now. That's equal footing, not resentful, not submissive, and with your wife, it might be as simple as I wanna understand you.

Can you say more and then I'll share my side. That's two adults eye to eye. This is the muscle of full respect, living, holding your own dignity and theirs at the same time. Because when stress hits, most of us don't stay in the middle. We slide. Some of us go up, some of us go down. The one up slide is grandiosity.

You feel it in your body first. Your jaw tightens, your words get clipped. Maybe sarcasm slips out. Maybe you mutter, here we go again. Or you shift into moralizing like I would never, or you always. It's a posture of superiority. You stand taller by pushing someone else lower.

The one down slide is collapse. Your chest drops, your eyes fall. You say things like, I'm fine, whatever. Even though you're not fine, and it's not whatever. You fire off quick, apologies you don't mean just to end the tension, or you go silent and you keep score in your head and pull back into resentment. Both are ways of dodging vulnerability.

One says, I'm better than you. The other says I'm worse than you, but neither one is equal. Neither one is respectful.

That's why you need what I call a trip wire, a little internal signal that tells you I'm sliding. For me, it's a clenched jaw, shallow breathing and, and eye roll, which my wife is quick to notice.

For you, it might be a sigh that comes out sharper than you intended. A faster voice, a shoulder shrug, whatever it is. That's your cue to interrupt the slide . And here's how you do it. A simple three step reset. One, acknowledge it quietly. Say to yourself, I'm going one up, or I'm going one down two.

Breathe low in through your nose, out, slowly through your mouth. Drop your shoulders. Feel your weight in your feet. And three, choose center. Ask, what does respect look like right now for both of us? When you do that, you've just stolen the keys back from your reflex. You're driving the moment instead of letting the moment drive you.

The Traffic Test

Here's the classic example that Terry Real founder of Relational Life Therapy often gives. You're in traffic and someone cuts you off and maybe slams on their brakes. If you tend to go one up, you tailgate to punish, you wanna pull up next to them, roll down your window and scream at them. You want them to know that.

They crossed the line, and if you go one down, you do the opposite. You stew in silence, you swallow it, but you carry the anger with you. You let it sit in your body all day, and by the time you get home, you're short with your wife or distracted with your kids, all because of something that happened with a stranger you'll never see again.

But if you center, the move looks different. You drop your hand from the horn, you take a breath, you let it go. Self-respect intact. Respect for another human intact and the rest of your day protected. And here's the thing, maybe that driver did deserve to be called out. Maybe what they did was disrespectful, even dangerous.

But it doesn't need to come from you in that moment at the cost of your groundedness. You don't have to take on the job of correcting every offense in the world. You get to choose yourself instead. You get to uphold your own dignity without being pulled into the spiral of one up grandiosity and that's full respect living.

The Two Kids Example

And here's another example Terry uses that I love because it hit close to home for anyone who's a parent, imagine you have two kids. One is easy, they listen. They're kind, they're successful, they do well in school. The other one, they're a handful. They always push back, always in trouble, always needing extra attention.

And if I asked you, which one do you love more? You'd laugh at the question. You'd say both. Of course. Full respect living works the same way. You don't put one child on a pedestal and write the other one off. You hold them both with equal dignity and love, and that's the same posture you're called to hold in your marriage and in your daily life.

No one above. No one beneath.

Why You Need to Practice Everywhere

Now I get it. I've heard from so many guys who say, Angelo out there in the world. I'm mostly fine. With strangers. I'm calm, I'm grounded, I'm respectful.

I don't let things get to me. I've learned how to manage myself in traffic or at work or in conversations with people I don't even know, but then they tell me at home.

It's different with my wife I lose. It with my kids I collapse. With the people closest to me all the skills I thought I had seemed to disappear. And here's what I wanna say, home is the hardest arena. That's where the stakes are the highest. That's where your old patterns live. That's where you care the most, and where the wounds get poked the deepest.

So if you only ever try to practice new relational skills in the heat of a kitchen argument, you're setting yourself up for failure. You need the reps outside of the home. Places where the emotional weight isn't as heavy, where the cost of messing up isn't as high. Start at work the next time someone interrupts you in a meeting, instead of snapping or shrinking, you can hold center and say, I want to hear what you have to say.

And I also wanna finish this thought. That's not grandiose. It's not collapsing. It's steady. Or when you disagree with a decision, you don't roll your eyes or go silent. You say, I see a risk we might be missing. Can I outline it in two points? It's clear, it's respectful, it's adult, and when you mess something up, you don't dodge or defend.

You say, that one's on me. Here's how I'll prevent a repeat. That's ownership without shame.

Practice with strangers. Use the barista's name when they hand you your coffee. Let one car merge in front of you on purpose. Offer your spot in line to someone who looks like they're stressed out or in a rush and could use the help. None of those moments will change your life, but every single one of them is a rep. If you practice full respect living when the stakes are low, you'll know how to do it when they're high.

Practice with your kids. When they melt down, name the feeling without making it a drama. Looks like you're frustrated. Do you want me to help you or do you want to try it first? You're respecting their dignity while still leading. Or when it's a boundary time, you don't collapse and give in and you don't go one up and scold. You hold the line. You can have a snack after dinner. We can pick which one you want together. Firm and caring at the same time. And I get it. I'm a dad. This is hard. And they will fight back and you get to practice again and again. You'll mess up at times and you'll get it right other times. That's what it takes.

Also, practice with your friends. Instead of waiting for your turn to talk to, say something that's on your mind. Ask one more question. If he's sharing about work stress, you can say What part of that feels heaviest for you right now? That deepens the conversation.

And when he shares a story, resist the urge to one up with your own version. Just stay with his. That's respect in action. Every one of these small moves, at work with strangers, with your kids, with your friends. It's a rep. They build the exact same muscle you need at 6:30 PM in your kitchen. When everyone's tired, the kids are bouncing off the walls and your wife makes a comment that lands wrong.

If you've been practicing all week in the little arenas, you'll have the strength to hold steady in the big one.

Setting Boundaries with Full Respect

Now let's talk about boundaries, because this is where a lot of men get tripped up. When I say full respect living, I don't mean being nice all the time. I don't mean saying yes to keep the peace or swallowing your needs so no one gets upset.

That's not respect, that's avoidance. Full respect living means you can set a boundary in a way that protects you and still respects the other person. You don't have to shame them. You don't have to blame them. You don't have to vanish yourself. You can be clear. Clean and steady. Here's a simple structure you can use for almost any boundary you need to set First, name the value, lead with what you care about.

I want us to talk about this in a way where we both feel respected, that frames the boundary as relational, not adversarial. Number two, name the limit. This is the line you won't cross. I'm not okay with being yelled at or I can't keep talking if we're interrupting each other.

Short, clear, and specific. And number three, offer a path. This is how you protect connection instead of shutting it down. Let's take 10 minutes and come back when we're both calmer. Or I want to keep talking. Let's take a time out and try again after dinner. That's it. Three lines, short, honest, that's respect for both people.

Now, boundaries don't only show up when things get heated. They also show up in every day, how you handle time, energy, and the simple logistics of life together. And this is where a lot of men either collapse and say yes to everything, or go one up and shut it down harshly. Full respect living gives you a middle path.

You can protect yourself without disrespecting her, and you can protect the relationship without abandoning yourself. Let me give you a couple examples. First, protecting rest and your time can sound like this. I want our weekends to feel restful so we can actually enjoy them together.

If we had another event this Sunday, it's gonna feel like overload for me. I can commit to Saturdays, but I need Sunday open so we have downtime. Can we look at another weekend for that? Or Here's the second example. Protecting your personal space can sound like this. I wanna be present with you tonight, not half distracted.

If I jump straight into this conversation, the second I walk in the door, I won't have the energy to do it well. Can you gimme 20 minutes to shower and decompress? Then I'll sit down with you and give you my full attention. If you hear the flow, you start with what you value. You name the limit clearly, and then you offer a path that keeps the door open that's not cold, and it's not passive.

It's relational. And the more you practice boundaries this way, the safer both of you will feel because she knows you'll protect your own self-respect and you'll protect hers too. That's what boundaries are supposed to do. They don't wall people out. They create conditions where connection can actually happen.

Full Respect Living Across Faiths and Traditions

Now, I don't want you to think this idea of full respect living is just a modern psychology trick or some new relational hack. The truth is, this principle has been with us for thousands of years. Whatever your background, whatever tradition you come from, the heartbeat is the same. In Christianity, Jesus said, love one another as I have loved you. And that wasn't just sentiment. It was a call to treat each other with the same deep respect and care he modeled himself. Equal dignity. No one above and no one beneath.

In Judaism, the teacher Hillel, put it simply, what is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor. Again, same posture. Do not step one up to dominate. Don't push someone. One down to diminish. Hold the line of respect both ways.

In Buddhism, the central call is compassion and non harm. To see every person as connected to you. Not less than, not more than, but part of the same human family.

Different traditions, different languages, but the same invitation to live with respect for yourself and respect for others at the same time. That's why this work matters. It's not just about saving your marriage. It's about becoming a kind of human who carries himself in a way that's bigger than himself.

A man who lives out of a deeper truth that's been guiding human beings for centuries. No one above. No one beneath.

Action Steps for This Week

If you're ready to put this into action, here are some steps you can take this week. Number one, install your trip wire. Pick one body cue that tells you you're sliding. Your jaw, your breath, your tone. When it shows up pause, say quietly to yourself. Center, breathe low, then choose a respectful sentence.

Number two, do one rep out there every single day. Use the world as your training ground. Say the barista's name. Let one car merge. Hold a door. One small intentional act of human respect.

Number three, do one rep at home every night before bed, ask your wife, is there anything you need from me tonight? Then really listen. Catch the headline and reflect it back.

Number four, rewind once. The first time you hear yourself go sharp or notice yourself collapse. Stop Call for a take two. Try it again. Do it cleaner the second time.

And number five, do a two minute nightly audit. Just ask yourself these three questions, where did I stand equal today? Where did I slide? And what do I need to try tomorrow?

Reflection Questions

Here's some reflection questions that can help you get clear about this in your mind.

Either write it down in a journal or just contemplate the answers for yourself.

Number one, where do I most often go one up And with whom? What story is underneath that? And why do I believe I need to be better than.

Number two? Where do I most often go one down? What fear drives me to shrink back or avoid? And what does it cost me when I do.

Number three, how would my marriage feel different if I practice full respect living not just at home, but everywhere in my life?

And number four, what's one boundary I need to set this week that protects both me and the relationship?

The Final Word on Full Respect Living

Here's what I want you to take away from this episode. Being a better husband isn't just about what happens at home. It's about how you carry yourself everywhere. That's what full respect living calls you into. No one above you. No one beneath you. Steady. Human. Equal. And the more you practice that posture on the world, the more natural it becomes when it matters most right there in your marriage.

If you're ready to take the next step into this work, I wanna invite you to my free three Secrets of Becoming a Better Husband Workshop. In it, I break down the three shift every man needs to make if he wants to stop spinning in his wheels and start actually moving his marriage forward. You'll learn why you've been successful in so many areas of life, but keep struggling at home. The core skillset no one ever taught you, and the real reason communication keeps breaking down. It's practical, it's straightforward, and it's designed to give you a clear roadmap. You can start using right away. Go to better husband secrets.com to check it out, or click the link in the show notes.

Finally, I just wanna say thanks for listening to Better Husband and being on this journey with me. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.