You Stopped Dating Your Wife—and It Shows

She Still Wants to Be Chosen

If you're like me or like so many of the men that I work with, there was a season when planning something together with your wife came easy.

You'd think about her during the day, send a quick text about a restaurant you'd found, or pick a spot that meant something to both of you. You'd put in the effort, not because you had to, but because you wanted to, because it mattered. But somewhere along the way, that part started to fade. Life got heavier, work got busier, and the energy that once went into creating fun and connection got replaced by responsibility and survival.

At first, you don't even notice it slipping. You tell yourself it's just a busy season, but then one day even the idea of planning something for the two of you feels exhausting. You've gotta coordinate schedules, find a sitter, make a reservation, pick something she'll enjoy, and if it doesn't land, it can feel like all that effort was wasted.

I've been there too. I've gone through the seasons where we had a weekly date night and felt that spark between us. And then the season where months slipped by without one. And every time I could feel the difference, the laughter faded, the playfulness disappeared. We still loved each other, but something between us went quiet.

That's what happens when you stop pursuing her. When you stop creating shared moments on purpose, your marriage slowly drifts from being a place of warmth and ease into a partnership of logistics. You stop being lovers and start feeling more like coworkers managing life side by side instead of living it together.

I've talked to a lot of men who only realized this once it was too late. When their wife finally said, you don't pursue me anymore, and it hit them like a punch to the chest because deep down, they knew she was right. If you're listening to this right now, I want you to hear me clearly. Your wife still wants to be chosen, not just loved in theory, but pursued in practice.

And I know it's not easy. It takes effort, it takes planning, it takes getting it wrong sometimes, but what you create when you do this intentionally, when you make time to date your wife again, isn't just a fun night out. It's a statement that says that you still matter to me. I still love you and I still want us.

Today we're gonna talk about why pursuing your wife matters, even when life feels full, even when you're tired, even when it feels like one more thing on your to-do list. We'll unpack why so many men struggle to keep this part of their marriage alive. How to bring play and joy back without pressure, and how this one simple act, choosing to plan, to initiate, to lead with love can completely change the feel of your home.

Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

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The Seasons of Pursuit

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now, I'll be honest with you, there have been times in my marriage when I've been great at planning date nights and intentional time together, and times where I've completely dropped the ball.

I remember one stretch earlier this year when my wife and I had weekly date nights dialed in. Thursday nights were ours. I'd find a new place, plan something fun, or even just carve out time at home after our son went to bed. There was something about having it on the calendar knowing that no matter how busy the week got, we had time.

It gave us both something to look forward to, and then life got busier, work picked up. Parenting pulled most of my energy. I started telling myself, we'll plan something next week, but next week turned into next month, and before I knew it, we hadn't had a real night together in a long time. What's crazy is how subtle that drift can be.

Nothing in our marriage felt like it was going wrong, but something felt off. The laughter just wasn't showing up as much. We were handling life side by side, but not really sharing it. And that's what I hear from a lot of men too. They're not trying to ignore their wives, they're not uninterested, they're just tired, overloaded. Already having a thousand decisions a day, and the thought of planning another thing, even something good feels like work.

There's also another layer that doesn't get talked about much. The pressure. A lot of men have planned something before and felt like it didn't go well, that maybe it wasn't worth it. She didn't seem that into it, or the night went sideways or it felt awkward, and after that it's hard not to think what's the point.

But here's what I've learned, and it took me a long time to understand this. Those moments aren't proof that you're bad at it. They're proof that you care enough to try and the trying matters. Your wife doesn't need perfect date nights. She needs pursuit. She needs to feel your effort. To see that you're still willing to create something for the two of you, not out of obligation, but out of desire.

And when you do that, when you bring back those small moments of play, laughter and curiosity, the energy between you opens. You stop just managing life together and you start remembering what if feels like to enjoy each other again. That's what this episode is about. We're gonna talk about why men so often stop pursuing their wives, why it's one of the most important things you can do for your marriage and how to make it simple and sustainable.

Not one more task, but a rhythm that keeps your sense of closeness alive.

Why Men Stop Pursuing (and Why It Hurts More Than You Think)

When I talk with men, whether it's in coaching, inside Better Husband Academy or just over coffee, there's a theme that shows up again and again. They want to pursue their wives. They know it's what she wants, and it's important for their marriage, but they feel completely drained by the idea of it, and I get it.

Life for most men isn't simple anymore. You've got work that demands your full attention, Kids that need you present, A house that needs upkeep, and a mind that rarely shuts off. You're spinning plates all day long, and when you finally get a few hours to yourself, the last thing you feel like doing is more planning.

So you tell yourself, I'll make it happen soon. You think about that restaurant she mentioned, or that movie she wanted to see, and the thought turns into pressure and the pressure turns into avoidance. Before you know it, months have passed since the last time you created something for the two of you.

You're still together, still handling life, still showing up, but you've quietly stopped pursuing. And here's the part most men won't admit. It's not just about busyness, it's also sometimes about fear. You've probably had those moments where you've planned something, you took the initiative and it didn't go how you hoped.

Maybe she didn't seem that excited or maybe she criticized the choice. Maybe it turned into an argument halfway through and in that moment, something inside of you said, why bother? That sting, that quiet sense of rejection, even if she didn't mean it that way, sits deep. It's easier to pour your focus into work or projects where the outcomes are predictable.

You do the task, you get the reward. You can measure progress. But relational effort doesn't give you that kind of instant feedback. Sometimes it feels like you're pouring into a well with no bottom, and that's where a lot of men tend to give up or put it on the bottom of their priority list. They stop putting in the effort because they don't want to feel that disappointment again.

It's easier to convince yourself this is just how marriage works, that it's normal for things to cool off over time. It's easier to focus on being a provider, a good father, a solid man, and tell yourself that should be enough. But underneath that logic is something softer and harder to admit.

You miss feeling close. You miss the spark that used to come naturally. You miss feeling the spark between you, the joy, the love. That's what pursuit does. It keeps that sense of closeness alive. When that disappears, the relationship shifts into autopilot. You handle logistics, you check boxes, you go through the motions, but the emotional life of the marriage starts to flatten out.

And here's the hard truth. You can have a marriage that looks fine from the outside, but feels empty on the inside, all because you stopped doing the small things that kept intimacy alive. So if any of this sounds familiar, if you found yourself thinking she should know, I love her. I shouldn't have to prove it.

I want you to slow down and hear this. It's not about proving, it's about tending. Love that isn't tended, fades, not in one big moment, but in a thousand small ones where we stop showing up with intention. And pursuing your wife, planning for joy, creating experiences that pull you closer isn't about checking another box.

It's about leading with love. It's leadership that invites warmth and connection, and that's the kind of leadership your marriage actually needs.

In the next part of this episode, we're gonna talk about why this effort matters more than you think and how it's not just for her, it's also for you because when you bring back the practice of pursuit, you don't just reconnect with your wife, you reconnect with yourself.

Why Pursuit Still Matters

When you stop pursuing your wife, it's easy to tell yourself it's not a big deal. You're home, you're faithful, you help out, you provide. You're doing what a good man does, and all of that matters. But pursuit speaks a different language. It tells her that you're not just my partner, you're the woman I choose again and again.

Most men underestimate how deeply that message lands because what pursuit communicates isn't just affection. It's value. It's saying that you're worth my time, my effort, and my creativity. That's what made the beginning of your relationship feel alive. You were both signaling that you were choosing each other.

Every gesture, every plan, every late night drive or small surprise was another way of saying that you are important to me. But over time, life starts to drown that out. Bills routines, and the constant background noise of responsibility take over. And before you know it, closeness begins to fade. Not because you stopped loving each other, but because you stopped feeding the love.

I've shared this analogy before and it fits perfectly here. Think about your marriage like a fire at the beginning. You put all this work to get it started. You gather the wood, you strike the match, you shield the flame from the wind until it finally catches. And when it does, it's beautiful, it's warm and you can feel it.

But here's what men forget. If you stop tending to that fire, it doesn't go out all at once. It dies slowly. The heat fades a little at a time, and before you know it, you're standing in front of ashes wondering what happened. You can't just start a fire once and expect it to keep burning forever. You have to feed it, add new wood, stir it, protect it, care for it.

Your marriage works the same way. You can't live off the warmth of what you built years ago. If you don't keep feeding it with time, attention, and shared moments of joy, it cools down. That's what pursuit really is. It's keeping the fire alive, not through constant effort or pressure, but through small, steady acts of care that keep the warmth between you burning strong.

Because that's what every marriage needs, those moments where you laugh together or you play. Where you forget the to-do list and remember what it feels like to simply enjoy each other again.

When that disappears, the marriage starts to feel transactional. You talk logistics, you discuss bills, you update each other on schedules, but the heart of the relationship, that spark that makes you look forward to seeing each other, starts to dim.

And when that spark is gone long enough, both people start to question what's missing. I've had men tell me, I don't understand. I'm doing everything right. I'm responsible. I'm loyal. I'm steady. Why isn't she happy? And when we dig deeper, it's almost always the same thing. The marriage has become functional but not alive.

Reliable but not romantic. And what's missing isn't effort. It's energy. The energy of pursuit, and that energy doesn't just make her feel loved. It changes you. When you lead with love, with effort, with curiosity, you feel more alive too. You remember that side of yourself that used to dream to plan and surprise. You tap back into your own vitality.

So if you've been telling yourself it's not worth the effort or that it shouldn't take this much work, I want you to see it differently. Pursuing your wife isn't about making up for something that's wrong. It's about protecting what's right. It's how you keep the fire burning. It's how you keep that sense of closeness alive.

It's how you make sure your marriage doesn't just survive, that it thrives, and that's why this matters. In this next part of the episode, we're gonna talk about how to do this without pressure. How to bring play and intimacy back in a way that feels natural, not forced, because you don't have to be perfect at this.

You just have to show up for it.

How to Pursue Without Pressure

If you're like most men I work with, the moment you hear date your wife again, something inside you tenses up. You start thinking about how much time it'll take, how to make it work, how not to mess it up, and before you've even started, you're already carrying the weight of getting it right.

But here's the thing. Pursuit isn't supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be playful. The goal isn't to impress her, it's to reconnect with her. And those are two very different things. When you're trying to impress you focus on performance, trying to predict what you'll like and make it flawless. When you're trying to reconnect, you focus on presence, bringing your full self into the moment, and creating space for joy, laughter, and curiosity.

That's what pursuit actually looks like. Presence, not pressure. So if it's been a while, start small. You don't need to plan a weekend getaway or recreate your first date, just go for a walk after dinner or try that taco place you've both talked about. Sit outside, share a drink, and talk about something other than logistics.

Sometimes the best date nights aren't the fancy ones. They're the ones where you both exhale and remember what it feels like to simply enjoy each other. But here's the key. You still have to plan them. That's where your leadership comes in. And relational leadership doesn't mean control.

It's not dictating what happens or expecting her to just go along with it. Leadership in marriage means creating opportunities for connection and inviting her into them. It might sound like, Hey, I made a reservation for Friday night, just us. Or I was thinking we could grab coffee Saturday morning and walk by the lake. You in?

Simple, clear, and thoughtful. You're not asking for permission. You're offering an invitation, and that invitation says, I'm thinking about us. I'm making space for us. I want you. That's something most women deeply want to feel chosen, desired, and prioritized. And sometimes that starts with curiosity.

Ask her what she's been missing lately. What kind of experiences make her feel most alive? What would she love to do more often. You don't have to know the answer. You just have to care enough to ask. Here's the part that stretches most men. Sometimes what she wants won't be what you would choose. Maybe it's a play or a concert or a type of restaurant that isn't your favorite, and that's where generosity comes in.

You don't do it because you love every minute of it. You do it because it matters to her. And when you do it with a good heart, not out of duty, but out of love, she feels your generosity, she feels your care. And before long, that spark starts to return because generosity is contagious. And let me be clear, that doesn't mean you ignore what you want.

Healthy pursuit balances both. Her joy and yours. Maybe one week you do something she loves, and the next time you bring her into something you enjoy. When pursuit becomes a steady rhythm, a real part of your marriage, the pressure drops and you stop asking, did I do it right? And you start asking, did we connect? Did we laugh? Did we feel close? That's the point.

So if this feels like one more thing to manage, remember this pursuit isn't about adding to your list. It's about remembering why the list exists in the first place. And when you lead that way with love, curiosity, and generosity, your marriage begins to feel more grounded, more connected, more alive.

The Winning Strategy of Pursuit

Now let's bring this even closer to home. When I talk about relational leadership, I'm talking about leadership rooted in care and intention if you've been following this podcast for a while, you've heard me talk about winning strategies, relational moves that build connection instead of tension.

Two of my favorites from Terry Real's relational life therapy work are cherishing and generosity. Pursuit is both. To cherish something means to actively appreciate it, to see its value and treat it with care. Generosity means giving freely of yourself not to earn points or avoid conflict, but to bring goodness into the relationship.

That's the heart of pursuing your wife, valuing what you have, and showing it through time, creativity, and consistent attention that keeps it alive.

That's what real leadership in marriage looks like. As men, we often underestimate the impact of our initiative. When you take the lead, whether it's a dinner, a walk, or a Saturday morning without distraction, it sends a thoughtful message, a message that says you care about being close, that you're present, and that you're invested in keeping what you have alive.

And the beauty of that is when she feels that from you, she often mirrors it back. Your generosity invites hers. Your energy creates energy. But if you wait for her to go first, if you sit back until she plans something or expresses enthusiasm before you act, the relationship loses momentum.

Because pursuit isn't passive, it's proactive. Most women don't want to feel like they have to ask for connection. They want to feel chosen. They wanna see that you care enough to create it. And here's something important. Generosity doesn't make you weaker. It doesn't make you submissive, it makes you stronger. Because it's not compliance, it's a choice.

You're choosing to lead with love. You're choosing to bring warmth, play, and creativity into your marriage. You're choosing to put effort where it matters most. And when you do that consistently, when you bring that same focus and care into your marriage, the way you relate to each other starts to feel easier and more natural.

The home feels different. The tone between you softens and the friendship deepens. You stop maintaining the marriage and you start feeding it. That's the kind of relational leadership your marriage actually needs because generosity opens doors that control will never open . It's what makes connection feel safe. It's what makes desire mutual and it's what turns we should go on a date into I can't wait to spend time with you. That's what pursuit restores, a sense of closeness and movement between you. You're not chasing her to earn love. You're expressing the love that's already there, reminding both of you why you chose each other in the first place.

So when you think about dating your wife again, don't see it as a chore. See it as a practice, a rhythm you return to again and again. The men who keep showing up, who keep pursuing with generosity and cherishing what they have, they don't just keep their marriage alive, they keep it vibrant. And that's what we're aiming for.

Action Steps: Lead with Intention and Generosity

Alright, so let's make this real. If you're listening and thinking, yeah, I need to do this, here's where to start. This week is about taking one step forward that shows your wife and yourself that you're serious about leading with love.

One. Put it on the calendar. This week, choose a night within the next two weeks or so and plan something for the two of you to do together. The sooner the better. Don't wait until you feel ready or until things calm down. Life won't hand you the time. Make it. Pick a day, block it off and commit. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to happen.

Two. Lead with curiosity. Ask her what she's been missing lately. What kind of moments makes her feel most connected, most alive? Listen, without defending or overthinking. You're rediscovering what lights her up.

Three, be generous and intentional in the planning. If what she wants isn't your first choice, that's okay. Practice generosity. Do it anyway and do it with a good heart and include something for you as well. This isn't about disappearing, it's about creating something that brings both of you, joy.

Hers and yours and the joy between you. Then take a breath. You led. You planned. You followed through. Now pay attention to what happens next.

Four. Notice the ripple in the days that follow. Watch what changes. Does the home feel lighter? Do the conversations and laughter come easier? Let that remind you, effort creates warmth. The more you invest, the more life returns to the marriage.

And five. Ask and appreciate. A day or two later, check in with her. Ask her what she loved most and what she'd like to repeat and what can make it even better. Next time, listen, really listen without taking it personally. Her feedback isn't criticism, it's a gift.

It means she's invested , engaged, and she cares.

This is how you start leading with intention. It's about steady acts of generosity that keeps the fire burning. It's about being the husband who shows up and keeps showing up, keeps creating, keeps choosing her. 'cause when you do that consistently, your marriage feels it.

Reflection Questions

Now before you move on with your day, slow down and sit with these questions.

First. When was the last time you truly pursued your wife? Not just went out, but planned with the aim of making her feel cared for, seen and chosen?

Second, what story do you tell yourself about why it's hard to plan? Is it busyness? Fear of getting it wrong, or that quiet belief that she already knows I love her. I shouldn't have to prove it.

Third, how would things feel different if you treated pursuit as an act of generosity, a chance to lead with love instead of pressure or burden?

And finally, fourth, what would it mean for your wife to feel chosen again, to feel your attention and care? Not because she asked, but because you offered.

Take a minute and write a few thoughts down. You'll be surprised at what surfaces when you put it on paper. Awareness is the first step towards change.

Closing Takeaway: Lead Again with Intention

What I hope you take away from this episode isn't guilt, it's permission. Permission to bring life back into something that's gone quiet. Permission to lead again by creating moments that remind both of you who you are together. Because connection doesn't happen by accident. It's built one and intentional moment at a time.

Every time you plan something, every time you choose to show up, instead of waiting for her to, every time you bring a little more fun play or lightness into your marriage, you're tending the fire that keeps it warm. And if you've drifted a bit, if you've lost that rhythm of pursuit, that's okay. Every marriage does at some point.

What matters is deciding to start again. Plan something small, make space for each other. Lead with generosity. Do it not because you have to, but because you get to. When you bring that kind of steady, curious, generous presence home, your wife feels it, and the marriage that felt tired or heavy starts to breathe again.

You don't have to wait for things to get bad. You can choose to move toward her now.

If this episode hit home for you, I'd love to hear about it. Tell me what stood out or what you're going to try next. Send me an email at [email protected] or head over to my website, angelosantiago.com and use the message form there.

If you're listening on Spotify, you can drop a comment under this episode, and if you're listening on Apple Podcast, you can leave a written review.

I read every message I get and I try to respond to as many as I can. Your stories, your challenges, your wins, they matter to me because that's what this podcast is about. Men doing the work together. Thank you for being a part of this community. I'm Angelo Santiago. This is Better husband. I'll see you on the next one.