Introduction: Navigating Wants and Needs in Marriage

Are you tired of feeling like your needs in marriage are always going unmet? Do you find yourself complaining about what you're not getting more than actually connecting with your partner? It's time to change that. Today, we’re focusing on getting more of what you want in your marriage, not by complaining, but by asking for it with skill and intention. There is a way of asking for what you need, and mastering this skill can make you a better husband and reignite the love in your marriage.

Understanding the 4 Steps to Making a Request

In marriage advice, we often hear about giving to your partner what they need, which is vital. However, there's also an essential piece about receiving what you need. A healthy marriage isn't just about sacrifice, it's about both partners getting what they need.

In this post, I'll break it down into four important steps that you need to understand. It’s not enough to repeatedly demand what you want -- maybe you've learned this the hard way. There’s a skill to communicating your desires so that your partner can receive more openly.

Before I tell you how to do it, there are a few things we need to address.

Debunking a Big Marriage Myth

Many believe marriages should be effortless and organic. Yet, this misconception stems from a lack of exposure to the hard work involved in successful relationships. All successful relationships require effort. If your marriage feels challenging, remember there are actionable steps you can take to improve it. If your relationship is flourishing, great! But don’t settle—continue to nurture it.

Success in marriage, like any other part of life, involves effort, dedication, and consistency. 

Acknowledging Your Wants and Needs

Accepting that you have wants and needs is the next crucial step. Many men shy away from acknowledging this, often due to fear, pride or other reasons. Recognizing and owning your needs is beneficial to your marriage. It’s not selfish to have wants and needs, it’s a part of being human and maintaining a balanced relationship.

Failing to recognize your needs can lead to passive participation in your marriage, which only breeds resentment and isolation from your partner. Actively engage with your partner and communicate your desires. Remember, your wants and needs will differ from your partner’s, and that’s okay. It’s about finding mutual fulfillment.

A Common Mistake and What to Do Instead

Asking for what you want doesn’t guarantee getting it, but that’s no reason not to ask. Communicate your desires openly, understanding that your partner might not always agree. It’s crucial to be open to negotiations and modifications. 

If your partner disagrees with a request, use that as an opportunity to to have a constructive discussion. Allow their "no" to be an invitation for you both to understand each other better.

Focus on Positive Communication

When asking for what you want, focus on positive, future-oriented language. Complaining about past unmet needs is counterproductive. Instead, illustrate how your request benefits both you and your marriage. Present clear, specific actions they can take. This positive approach, compared to complaining, actually encourages your partner to actually want to give it to you.

Try This Practical Exercise

Reflect on a recent situation where you didn’t get what you wanted. How did you express your need? Did you complain, or did you clearly communicate your desires and reasons? Be fully honest and if you can't remember how it went down, ask your partner. Afterwards, rewrite this scenario using the positive approach outlined here and think about what you could say next time and how you would say it.

Recap of the 4 Steps to Getting More of What You Want

1. Let go of the idea that marriage should be easy—it requires work.
2. Own your wants and needs and be willing to express them.
3. Be open to hearing “no” and accepting it with grace.
4. Ask with future-focused, positive language.

Thank you for joining me on this journey or marriage on the Better Husband Blog. I look forward to continuing this discussion with you next time.

If you have any questions, comments or situations you want me to cover in the future, email me at [email protected].