Be the Piece That Moves: How to Lead When Your Marriage Is on the Edge

In Jurassic Park, there's this one scene that's burned into my brain, and maybe it's because I was 10 years old when it came out, and it was the most awesome thing I'd ever seen.

It's the first T-Rex attack. The power's out. The kids are stuck in the car. And Dr. Ian Malcolm played by Jeff Goldblum watches as this giant dinosaur emerges from the trees. Now here's what they say about the tx. It can't see you if you don't move. So one guy, this lawyer, he panics, he bolts out of the car and hides in a bathroom.

Dr. Allen Grant, the paleontologist, he stays completely still banking on the science. But Dr. Malcolm, he moves, he grabs a flare, he steps outta the car, and he draws the T-Rex away from the kids, straight towards the guy who ran. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your wife is a tyrannosaurus Rex, but in your marriage you have the same three options.

You can run and hide. You can freeze and wait, or you can move. And if you wanna rebuild connection in your marriage, even when she's checked out or distant, you have to be the piece that moves first.

Why Waiting Feels Safe—But Costs You Everything

In this episode, we're going to break down what moving actually means in your marriage and why it's not the same thing as fixing.

You'll learn why passivity kills connection and how most men lose their marriage. Not with one big mistake, but with years of doing nothing. We'll talk about why waiting feels safer and how the keep the peace strategy usually leads to more disconnection. I'll show you what exactly it looks like to make real relational moves, how to lead with care even if you don't know exactly what to say, and I'll teach you one of the most powerful relational skills I use with men I coach, leading with generosity.

Instead of waiting it for it to be fair or the right time, you'll walk away with simple concrete action steps to shift the dynamic in your relationship this week. Even if you're the only one willing to go first, stick around. You don't wanna miss this one. I.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

When She Said It Might Be Over… And He Finally Moved

A man I work with came to me after one of the hardest conversations he'd ever had in his marriage. His wife had finally said out loud what she'd been caring for a long time, that things weren't working, that she didn't feel close anymore, that she was thinking maybe seriously about leaving.

They had that one big conversation. It got emotional and then it ended. When he shared this with me on our very first coaching call, I asked him something simple based on how you've shown up in the past. What do you think she expects you to do now? And it hit him. She expected him to do nothing. To stay still, to wait to go quiet because that's what he always did.

He's a good guy, but he spent years playing it safe, avoiding conflict, waiting for her to bring things up, hoping that if he didn't make it worse, it would somehow get better. But this time was different. He realized that if he wanted his marriage to survive, he had to do something he hadn't done before.

Move. First, he had to be the one to reinitiate the conversation, to ask better questions, to stay grounded, not defensive, to really listen, to lead them back together and with care, he had to be the piece that moved. When we checked in weeks later, he had done it. He stepped in instead of stepping back, and while it didn't magically fix everything overnight, something did change.

The relationship shifted. His wife saw that he wasn't waiting this time, he was the one who brought them back into the conversation. Even though it was a hard one, he didn't avoid it, hoping it would go away. What changed was that he did the opposite of what he'd always done and committed to doing it again and again.

And from that moment forward, they had a new path to walk. One, he was willing to lead. Now the real work begins for him and maybe for you too.

The Cost of Passivity in Marriage

You see, most men don't lose their marriage because of one dramatic moment. They lose it because they stop showing up. They have a habit of waiting, a pattern of doing nothing until she finally says, I can't do this anymore.

And what tips are over the edge. The countless times you freeze when things get tense or wait for her to bring something up that you already know but you ignore. In marriage, waiting is not a neutral act. It communicates something loud. It says, I'll only show up when I have to. I. And your wife, she feels that every single day she feels the weight of carrying the emotional labor, the pressure of being the one who notices what's off.

The one who asks for connection, the one who brings up the hard stuff while you hope it passes. And maybe she's done that for years. Until one day she doesn't want to anymore, because eventually she'll get tired of being the only one who cares out loud. That's how most marriages die. Not in a blow up, but in the slow silence of two people waiting for the other to move first.

What You’re Calling Patience Is Actually Avoidance

Now, let's be honest, most men don't think they're being passive. They think they're being careful. They think things like, I'm just trying not to make it worse, or She's tired. I'll wait for a better time. Or if it really mattered, she'll bring it up again. Or it's probably not as big as a deal as it feels like right now.

this is the internal dialogue of a man who's avoiding risk, but calling it wisdom. And I get it. I've lived it. A lot of the men I work with have too, because passivity doesn't start as laziness. It starts as fear. Fear of doing it wrong, fear of being misunderstood, fear of her reaction, or worse, her silence.

Fear that if you dig into it, you won't know what to do next. And maybe somewhere deep down there's a fear that you've already let things go too far so you freeze and that freeze gets dressed up as patience. You tell yourself, I'm giving her space, but what you're actually doing is protecting yourself from discomfort.

Here's what that looks like in real life. Maybe you sense something is off, but you say nothing. Maybe you feel distant from her, but you don't ask why. Maybe you want to connect, but you wait for her to initiate. Or maybe you feel her pulling away, but instead of stepping in, you pull back to. And maybe you've convinced yourself this is kindness, that you're keeping the peace.

But let me be clear about something. Passivity is not peacekeeping. It's avoidance. And what you avoid doesn't disappear. It deepens. The disconnection grows, the resentment builds. And the longer you wait, the more you teacher that you're only present when it's convenient or when she's doing the emotional heavy lifting.

And here's the kicker. She experiences your passivity as indifference. As checked out as he doesn't care enough to try and that's the cost of waiting. It feels safer in the moment, but it's actually giving up on her and your marriage.

What “Moving First” Really Looks Like in Marriage

So what does it actually mean to move? Well, it doesn't mean having to say the right thing.

It doesn't mean solving the whole problem in one night, and it sure as hell doesn't mean reacting out of panic. Just to feel like you're doing something to move means you don't wait for her to bring you back together. You do it. Even when it's uncomfortable or you're not sure how it'll turn out or when everything in you wants to convince yourself that it's not the right time to move means you lean in when things feel distant.

You don't just wait for the tension to pass. You name it. You say, Hey, it's been feeling a little off between us. Can we check in? And you don't have a plan to fix it, but you have a desire to connect and bring yourselves back together. It means you ask the hard questions in order to understand each other things, like what's felt tough for you lately or is there anything I've been doing or not doing that's made it harder to feel close to me?

That's what movement looks like. It's subtle, it's steady. It's you making the first move towards honesty and openness. To move also means you stay present and open. When she shares something painful, you don't flinch, you don't defend, you don't change the subject. You hold the space, you acknowledge it. You say, thank you for telling me.

You ask, is there more? You mean it. When you say, I want to understand you better. That's how you lead your marriage back together. That's how you show up when it would be easier to disappear. And that's what I call relational leadership.

The Winning Strategy That Breaks the Standoff

Next, let me lay out one of the five winning strategies that will help strengthen your marriage and the skills that you need in order to move and lead your relationship back together.

In relational life therapy, one of the core winning strategies is this, respond with generosity.

If you wanna learn more about the five winning strategies, check out episode 20, how to Build a Championship Marriage. I walked through all five in detail, but today I wanna focus on this one because generosity is what breaks the standoff. It's how you shift the dynamic when you're stuck, waiting for her to be different or softer, more open, more affectionate.

Generosity means you stop asking, what do I get? And you start asking, what does this relationship need for me right now? Let me be clear. This doesn't mean being a doormat. It doesn't mean tolerating disrespect or abandoning your own needs. It means you stop playing the game of al Go when she goes, you don't wait for it to feel fair.

You don't hold back until she changes her tone. You don't sit there stewing in silence until she notices your effort. You move first, not because it's your turn, but because it's what the marriage needs right now. That might mean expressing appreciation, even if she hasn't done the same. It might mean initiating connection, even if she feels guarded.

It might mean bringing tenderness to a moment that feels tense, and here's the truth, sometimes you'll do all of that and she won't meet you there right away. Sometimes you'll offer presents and she'll still be shut down, or you'll take ownership and she'll still be upset, or you'll lead with generosity and it won't feel reciprocated.

But hear me on this. That's not failure. That's just you changing the pattern and that's you reorienting the relationship away from reactivity and into repair. This is a long game work. The moment you stop keeping scores, the moment your marriage has a chance to grow. Because when you lead with generosity, you communicate something powerful that you don't have to earn my presence.

It's here because I choose to be. So, no, it's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

Action Steps for This Week: Move First

Here's what I want you to do this week, not next month, not when things feel easier this week. First, identify one area in your marriage where you've been waiting. Be honest. Where have you hit pause and told yourself?

Maybe it'll work itself out. It could be a recurring point of tension, a conversation you've been avoiding, or just the quiet distance you've learned to live with. Number two, ask yourself honestly, if nothing changes, where is this heading? Play it out. What's the cost of continuing to wait? What does your silence teach her?

What does it do to you? Number three, decide to move. Choose one small way to move toward her, not to fix, not to force, but to invite. It might be as simple as, Hey, I've been thinking about us and I don't want us to say stuck in what's going on right now? Can we talk? Or, I've been avoiding something and I know we need to talk about it.

or even we've seemed really distant from each other lately. I miss you. I want to come back together. And number four, lead with generosity. Don't wait for the right moment or for her to soften first. Don't come in with blame or expectations. Show up with presence, with curiosity, with care, with generosity.

And then stay in it.

As you prepare to take these actions, here are some reflection questions to ask yourself. Where in my marriage have I been waiting? Hoping she'll go first so I don't have to. What discomfort or fear has been holding me back from initiating? And if I led with generosity this week, what might shift?

Freeze, Flee, or Lead... It's Your Move

So to wrap this up in marriage, you've got three options. Run, freeze, or move. You can run like the lawyer in Jurassic Park, sprinting outta the car and hoping you can hide from the problem. You can freeze like Dr. Grant, the paleontologist holding perfectly, still waiting for the danger to pass. Or you can do what Dr.

Ian Malcolm did. You can move. You can grab the flare step outta the car and make the conscious decision to lead. Not because it's easy, but because someone has to. And if you want to be a better husband, that can be you. That's what relational leadership looks like. If you want connection again, if you want to change the story of your marriage, you have to be the piece that moves. You need to take the first step towards her. And And yeah, maybe your hands are shaking, maybe you feel nervous about it.

Maybe it's messy. But that one move, that one moment of courage can change the entire trajectory of what happens next. Because when you move first, everything changes. And if you remember the end of Jurassic Park, the T-Rex doesn't kill everybody, although he did eat half of that lawyer. But the T-Rex shows up, takes down the real threat and gives everyone a second chance.

So what you're scared of might not be your enemy, but waiting too long to act, that will cost you.

And if you know this is the work you need to be doing, learning how to lead, how to communicate with presence, how to build real connection, then Better Husband Academy is where we do exactly that.

It's my self-paced course and group coaching program For men who want real transformation in their marriage, go to better husband academy.com to get started or click the link in the show notes. You'll find everything you need to take the next step. I'd love to walk this with you and watch your marriage come back together.

Thanks for being here. I'm Angelo Santiago. Let me know what you thought about this episode, and especially my Jurassic Park analogy, and I'll see you next time on Better Husband.

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